art makes me

...

2009-07-25T19:25:00.002-05:00

my cousin Jeremy is dying.

any time now i could get a phone call... it may be cliche, but it really is like waiting for the axe to fall. i'm anxious and sad and hate that there's nothing i can do to make a difference. i can't even imagine what my aunt and uncle and his twin Jason are going through... not to mention his wife and kids.

i wish i could be there with the family. i want to be with all of them. i want to say goodbye to him. i want to tell him that i wish we would've talked more. i want to tell him that i love him...

i hate this. i hate feeling like there's never enough time... but it's true. there's never ever enough time with the people we love. i need to stop thinking that people will always be there... start loving people as fully as i can.

i know that death isn't the end... but i'm so scared of losing people i love. i am absolutely terrified.

Thoughts from the hallways.

2009-07-22T14:39:00.002-05:00

I recently added a bumpersticker on facebook (yes, i'm "one of those") that says "i know when one door closes another always opens... but man, these hallways are a bitch!" I remember when i first saw it i immediately connected with it-- that's absolutely where my life is right now: a hallway.

I am currently "taking a break" from college... i have yet to determine a length of time to associate with "break," but that is beside the point. Since my newfound freedom from collegiate responsibility in January, i've discovered that there really is life outside of gpa's, final exams, and student numbers; for a perpetual student, it really was hard to grasp.

The past five months have definitely been a time of self-discovery, and even more of a reality check. For the first few months I enjoyed working a few days a week, lounging around the house, and creating artwork at my leisure, while my roommate was off taking hurried notes, struggling to listen to lectures, and cramming for tests. However, i quickly grew restless. I wasn't bored-- don't get me wrong, I can watch reruns of Law and Order SVU for weeks at a time with ease. No, this wasn't boredom... it was a feeling of uselessness: i felt empty, purposeless, and worthless. (Needless to say, it was a very "-less" time).

When i looked at myself i began to see labels: drop-out, failure, lazy, waste of talent. Then i started comparing myself to others-- which is always a mistake. All of my friends had packed schedules-- work, classes, church, volunteering, social events... always busy. I told myself that my life was obviously not good enough because my day planner was full of doodles and the occasional "Work 1-close," instead of being packed full of obligations. As someone who has always lead a busy life, i put value and purpose in "doing."

So, i started praying that God would lead me-- to tell me what i'm supposed to be doing. Constantly praying "God, what's next? What now? Should i do this? How about this??" And i've been so incredibly frustrated i cannot even express it in words.

Until last night.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, and she reminded me that "God talks when we least expect it." Well, DUH. I mean, i've learned by now that God is all about the unexpected... but something about the way in which she said it, or maybe the placement in the conversation made it stick with me. Immediately after our phone conversation i felt more at peace than i have in months.

Today after work i busied myself with nonsensical tasks around the house: putting away found treasures from a thrift store (nothing better than second hand junk), cleaning the ceiling fan in the kitchen (horrifyingly disgusting), laundry (the true-life never ending story)...and i stopped to look at myself in the mirror.

"my cup runneth over." (Psalm 23.5) i teared up. it hit me: maybe-- just MAYBE-- i'm not supposed to be DOING anything.

"be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46.10) it's so redundant in Christian sermons that it's nearly cliche... but it is absolute truth, and cannot be ignored.

"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress...in whom i trust." (Psalm 91.2) sometimes when you're taking refuge it's best to lie low and let someone else keep a lookout.

i am just completely in awe. i suddenly feel full of purpose... no, i'm not burning the candle at both ends or have involvement in everything under the sun, but i realize that DOING is not what life is all about. Sometimes God calls us to slow our roll; In these quiet hallways it's easier to hear the slightest whisper, and to take note of the small things that are less visible otherwise. In the words of Erwin McManus: "If Jesus' encounter with the unnamed adulterous woman tells us anything, it reveals the unexpected truth that the safest place for a sinful person to go is to God. [...] God wanted her. God was her place to belong, and this reality became the beginning of new things." (Soul Cravings, entry #13)

Instead of bitching about the hallways, I'm going to start thanking God for giving me a hall-pass, and continue to pray that i enjoy life in Him.

Force Like This

2009-07-06T10:59:00.002-05:00

by Out of Eden

Ever since I saw you smile, and talk to you on the phone,
I feel like I could sprint for miles, and new lands I could roam.
Could this be God sending you my way.
If the same faith we're believing, I want this feeling to stay
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

Chorus
Cause I've never known a force like this.
That could bring these two hearts together.
It's amazing and I hope we don't miss,
the mark, 'Cause I'd like to be with you forever.

It seems like you could be the one, the one right for me in time.
I need direction from God above, I need to know that I'm in line.
Cause at love I'm new, and I'm falling for you.
And I don't want to get hurt by the things that you might do.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone could tell me if this love is for real.

Bridge
You bring me joy and put a smile on my face.
When I'm alone with you all my sadness is erased.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

"Let Go and Let God"

2009-07-06T03:56:00.008-05:00

it's burning it's burning on fire she cries

for love and affection that passed and has died
the hurt and pain you could see in her eyes
it engulfs her soul, and tortures her mind
in a fight for her life i stretch out my hand
for the pain i know she no longer can stand
"let go and let God" i say out of fear
for the girl that cries dark, lonely tears
now the fire departs, compelled to subside
left no record of joyful thoughts behind
you can't tell with a look, a peek or a glance
but that fire now burns and still burns in her eyes.
By Reuben Foster

(photo taken at NYCAMS 2008)

this love

2009-06-29T01:02:00.000-05:00

this love i have for you is different than before.

it seems now i'm walking around

content living life for you

knowing that you're watching me love

loving me back even more.

the smile on my face

and the smile in my heart

can't begin to express my love

this love is more than i can fully understand,

its hard even to recieve

because i know i don't deserve it

i know i never earned it

i know i'll never be good enough

but all that matters to you is that

i'm yours.

it's so much more than just the feelings

it's knowing you have found me

you're in my heart and all around me

and my soul can't get enough

it's fiendish and screaming for you

this love is all i need

this love is how i breathe

it is every part of me

without i don't make sense

this love is who i am.

So... i'm writing a book.

2009-06-16T22:08:00.003-05:00

Yes, you read correctly. I am writing a book. Apparently i don't have to have a degree in anything to feel called to write... thanks for believin' in me (and scaring the shit out of me), God.
Anyway, the book is titled "For the Artists' Wayward Soul." I haven't really developed anything that appears to be a book yet... just a lot of notes and journaled thoughts and such. But i thought i would post some of those random snip-its. I've definitely started looking up applicable scripture, but have yet to intertwine it.

So... here we go...

***
I browse row after row of books, wanting so badly to find exactly what I need. To find a book that says something about an Artists' soul. But it's never there.
The shelves are packed with plenty of books for mothers, single women, sports fanatics, teens... all directing the readers to their soul needs and purpose. There's even a small collection of books pertaining to the use of art as worship-- reiterating over and over that we as artists have been given "the gift of creativity," and only sometimes acknowledging the fact that it's not merely a "gift," but a dominant trait inherited 100% from God. And I absolutely cannot forget to mention the elite, radical few books that genuinely challenge the Christian artist to expand far beyond the small world of coined "Christian" art
It's not that I don't appreciate those authors' insights and time spent to further inspire fellow Christians… but I think it’s time for more. Time for complete honesty, vulnerability, and raw reality.

…

ARTISTS ARE PASSIONATE. Have you ever noticed that people are attracted to artists? Not just he college guys in hoodies and Birkenstocks with their guitars, strumming out the same three chords to woo the ladies… but the artists. The musician that composes music because there are no words to rightfully express his feelings. The painter who drops out of college to have more time for her art because it’s the only thing that really makes sense. The dancer who cries after hours of practicing, not out of pain, but from the overload of emotions she has just endured.
ARTISTS ARE PASSIONATE. It’s a blessing and a curse… while it is passion that drives us-- fuels our creativity, floods the brain with emotion, opinion, and ideas-- it is also the source of our spiritual downfall. As passionate people, we open the door for sin to come meandering.
The very definition of “passion” has a very widespread meaning. We use this singular word to describe intense and compelling feelings such as hate and love. Then there’s “passion” in the erotic sense: propensity toward sexual love, lust, and restless desire. But then Webster’s lists “passion” in a theological context as a general reference to the sufferings of Christ leading up to and on the cross. It almost seems as if somewhere along the way, they (whoever “they” are) could have made up a new word to separate the erotic “passion” from the Jesus -suffering “passion.” I mean, really. Those two topics should never cross paths. …or should they?
Think about the emotion that drives lust-- that fiery, intense desire toward another person. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s hard to express. It’s like someone has taken over your brain, and all you can think about is that person. But not just that person-- you and that person. It’s almost like a complete loss of mental control. The brain and the heart just take that fiery desire and run, leaving your moral being in the dust muttering something about how you shouldn’t and that… whatever. You stopped listening anyway.
So. Right. Think about that emotion-- that gripping, mind-altering, uncontainable, thriving THRILL.
And then think about the sufferings of Christ. I know, it’s probably insanely uncomfortable…but really. The two actually belong together. Not just because thinking of Jesus, bloody and dying on the cross, will halt your lustful self in its tracks, but because the same enthralling emotion is there in that suffering. Christ took a world full of sin to that cross. He not only felt the incessant temptation we feel in moments of erotic passion, but the painful, heart breaking endings to succumbing to lust. There were a hell of a lot of intense, overwhelming, and powerful emotions that followed him to that cross.

PASSION is Christ’s suffering.
PASSION is zeal, for whatever it is God has put in your heart.
PASSION is the propensity for LOVE.

…and artists are absolutely FULL of it.
***

That's all the comprehensible content i have at the moment... the rest are still only scribbled thoughts splattered across a half-dozen pages in an unlined journal.
But i'm SO excited about it. I really feel God with me when i'm writing... when i re-read some of my notes it almost feels like i'm reading the idea for the first time, instead of re-reading an idea of my own. It's so thrilling and encouraging to feel God working through me.

Please pray for me, though. I've already started to feel the effects of doing something for God... the unavoidable spiritual warfare. I've had moments of inexplicable, overwhelming fear and anxiety... and, of course, the endless temptation to fall into old habits. It's interesting writing about the Artists' Wayward Soul... but a little dangerous at the same time.

because sometimes songs say it best...

2009-06-16T03:25:00.002-05:00

i can almost see it
that dream i'm dreaming
but there's a voice inside my head
sayin' you'll never reach it
every step i'm taking
every move i make feels
lost with no direction
my faith is shakin' but i
i gotta keep trying
gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

the struggles i'm facing
the chances i'm taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no i'm not breaking
i may not now it but these are the moments
that i'm going to remember most, yeah
just gotta keep going
and i gotta be strong
just keep pushing on, 'cause...

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

twenty-somethingness

2009-03-29T21:05:00.002-05:00

i feel like a moody pre-teen.
one minute everything is great... the next i feel like my world is about to end...or wish it was about to end...

apparently i'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently this is the time of life when people go all cuckoo-existential trying to figure out who they are and where they belong in the world.
apparently 22-25 is a "pivotal time" when really big things happen.
apparently being a 20-something is like being in that awkward middle school stage all over again.

right so let's just cover the basics here...
i'm living paycheck to paycheck.
i have no idea what i want to do with my life...now OR whenever i finally graduate.
i'm an emotional train wreck... or maybe rollercoaster... or maybe a glass elevator...
i'm completely indecisive. about anything.
my life is boring... but overwhelming at the same time.
at least once a day i feel like crying and saying "i want my mommy."

but thank god for friends.
the miracles are in the details.

amy winehouse speaks my mind...

2009-03-23T00:34:00.001-05:00

" We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not f*ck myself in the head with stupid men.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own."

HOW. FREAKIN. SWEET.

2009-01-21T13:37:00.002-06:00

ok ok ok ... so. this is so cool.
kayla and i were looking for a house on craigslist... we found the CUTEST green four-plex for rent. 3 br, 1 bath, washer and dryer, kitchen with a stove, fridge, and a little fireplace, and a little yard. . . 800 dollars a month. SO. if we end up with a 3rd roommate, it's only 266 a month for each of us!! omg AWESOME! then we found out... it's in the 9th ward. we were like oh crap. well... that won't work. but THEN, my friend, Stephen, came in to work and... long story short, he not only knows the guy who's renting the house, he knows everyone who lives in the rest of the four-plex! He said pretty much that whole block goes to church where he interns, at St. Roch's Community Church, and that God is really moving in that neighborhood. AHHHHHH! i freaked out. HOW awesome is that??
the story is actually way more entertaining if you hear me tell it... because i get really excited and i start flailing my arms and going nuts... but you get the gist. super cool.

so me and kayla and margy (probable 3rd roommie) are meeting ben (renter) at the AWESOME green house on friday to give him our applications and see the place. . . yaaaaay!

it never stops...

2009-01-15T15:09:00.002-06:00

i have returned to a season of insecurity.
i'm taking this semester off from school, against my better judgement. something inside tells me that ultimately, it's probably not the best idea... but after talking it through with my mother, i've realized that it is what is best for me right now. i'm mentally, emotionally, and financially drained. i need some rest. although i will (hopefully) be working full time, it's a different application of my energies.
part of me even wonders if i'm just not meant to get a degree... maybe i'm one of those people who will never finish school, but will be happy and be able to get by... the truth is, i'm an artist. i don't need a degree to make me what i already am. Everybody keeps asking me, condescendingly, "you don't want to work at Starbucks your whole life, do you?" and i'm like well... i dunno. what if i do? what if i want to make your coffee and paint for the rest of my life? is that a crime? i enjoy the simpler things in life...and i wish my life, in general, were simpler.
which brings me to my housing situation... my lease is up next month, and my roommates are disbursing. so i either need to find people to take their places, or i need to find a place to live. As i'm looking for a place to live, i keep thinking... i need to downsize. i need to get rid of my excessive material possession that keeps me from being able to just pick up and move. Yes, i want to have what i need... my easel included...but i also don't want to have excess. it's time to throw stuff away. keeping things for sentimental purposes is almost unnecessary... i have those memories embedded in my heart, i don't need to hold onto a ticket stub or a scrap of paper to remember. With my newfound free time, i'm going to explore the world of simplicity.
simplicity, and the Lord. i've not fully left him...just tried to hide from him in my circumstantial happiness. but when those circumstances start to change, i remember the most important aspect of my life that never changes. God has always provided for me. financially, emotionally, spiritually... i'm a wanderer. it's not that i don't know what's right for me... i just have a hard time staying on track. i need to realign every now and then.

anyhow. so, once again, i'm in a place where nothing is secure or certain...but once again God has given me a peace about it. I'm not worried. Even if it comes down to the wire and i still haven't found a place to live, i know enough people that love me and will house me until an opportunity opens up.

how i almost burnt my grandparents' house down

2008-12-17T23:00:00.002-06:00

yes, you read right... and let me just say ahead of time, it's really NOT my fault. Last night when i took my jewelry off i hung my spoon necklace and big hoop earrings from the nightlight in the bathroom. i do it all the time at my friends' house, and it's no big deal so i didn't think anything of it. i went to bed. i slept AMAZING. i woke up, went in the bathroom and was like "god what's that smell... smells like something BURNED in here..." i look at the wall, it's like CHARRED right around the outlet and my necklace and earrings are GONE. i'm freaking out. my grandma informed me that when she went in the bathroom earlier and switched the light on, the nightlight and outlet started sparking and then there were big flames. she screamed for my grandpa. and i was asleep the whole time.
needless to say my earrings and necklace are no more... at least the spoon charm on my necklace was salvaged-- i only lost the chain. but geeze. what an eventful first day of vaca, huh?

but seriously... did that sound like it was my fault?? i mean, i was asleep the whole time!

so i suck at blogging...

2008-12-16T10:30:00.002-06:00

Between the hellish fall semester (which is FINALLY over, thank GOD), work, and my developing social life, it's been hard to find time to blog.

i mean, seriously ya'll, i didn't know being 21 was so fun! don't get me wrong-- the fact that i barely made rent this month was stressful. but it's better than the stress of playing Mom to two kids. I do not regret anything.

so right... i LOVE my job. Let me go ahead and risk sounding like a nerd and let you know that 90% of the time work is like a part of my social life. We're all pretty much like one big dysfunctional family. seriously. i love it. i love my coworkers...some more than others, but hey...what's a dysfunctional family without playing favorites?? lol
not to mention i spend a lot of my time off at work too... i mean, who can turn down free coffee and good company?

So yeah.
job = good. (job+more hours= even better...lol)
friends = awesome.
semester over = BEST THING EVER. hahaha...

ok. well. i'm out to arizona for christmas. sorry to you STL ppl who were hoping i'd be there for the holidays... i might head up that way before classes start in january if i can afford it.

this semester sucks.

2008-11-17T17:29:00.001-06:00

I. HATE. SCHOOL.

seriously

2008-11-09T21:36:00.001-06:00

...what the hell is wrong with me?

nevermind. i already know the answer.

i just don't want to talk about it.

more than once upon a time

2008-11-02T17:46:00.003-06:00

sometimes it's good.
sometimes it's so bad.

sometimes i'm just trying to get through the day...
sometimes i wish i could just die and leave it all behind.

sometimes i feel too alive.
sometimes i feel slightly dead inside.

sometimes i do stupid shit and then wonder why it backfires.
sometimes i don't do anything and wonder why nothing happens.

sometimes i just want to be 5 years old again...
but most days i wish i was old, married, and retired already.

but more than sometimes i just want to be held. loved. taken care of.
more than sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life, and who i really am.

let's cut to the chase:

2008-10-03T00:00:00.002-05:00

I'M NOT A NANNY ANYMORE!! WOOHOO! PRAISE THE LORD!
i mean... i will miss the job and the children terribly...

truth is, i do kinda miss the kids. and i miss having a job that i already know the ins-and-outs of. but in all honesty, i am completely glad to be moving on.

i spent my first official night at my new place last saturday...so it's almost been a week. and i love it. my bed will be much more comfortable once i pick up my mattress tomorrow (right now i'm sleeping on a 4" slab of foam... not so nice). and my room is small...but it's mine. i bought the bed (loft bed with a desk underneath), i bought the mattress, and i will eventually buy a dresser to put all of my clothes in. (next paycheck??) i love living with Brandy, Kristy, and Sarah (and Dot and Fifi, of course), and I love being responsible for only me, myself, and i.
then i started my new job at Starbucks (by Lakeside Mall) this past wednesday!! It's awesome. I really like my manager, and i really like most of the employees i've met so far. My first day i met Ansley, who is training too. . . she's a Christian!! She goes to the Baptist Seminary here. We crammed as much talking as we could into our 10 minute break, when i found out she's involved with BCM on Tulane's campus, she's done a few semester mission trips, and her getting the job at SBUX was a total "God thing." Which, of course, got me all excited... i was like "ME TOO! OH MY GOSH I AM SO EXCITED!!" Then she tells me Kayla, whom i still haven't met, goes to the seminary too! PTL i am working with Christians... it's so exciting!! I just keep praying that God will continue to encourage me... i got kind of upset tonight because the training isn't really going the way i'd like it to... i don't really feel like i'm learning anything. I'd like to either be really rigorously trained or just thrown into the mix to figure it out, but standing around is just annoying and boring. Plus there's a girl that works there that i kinda know from UNO...and she's sort of intimidating. she has a very outgoing personality, and she just kind of dominates when she's there... but it's whatever. i need to just get over it. (oh, side note: the guy that delivers the milk is hot as HELL. seriously. it should be illegal for the milkman to be that stinkin' beautiful.)

anyway so yeah... that's my life in a nutshell right now. of course there's the little things... school is crazy-stressful. i have a test coming up in World History and i'm pretty sure i haven't learned a darn thing in that class... i couldn't even begin to tell you what one of the lectures were about, b/c they never stay on topic. i gotta bust a painting out in about a week (do-able). my psych class seems more like a biology class (UGH). Human Sexuality is a required class for anyone wanting to progress in psych classes... which is fine with me. but for right now it's basically like a sex-ed class: anatomy, diseases, procedures, birth control, blah blah blahhhh... i hate it so much. my friend Casie and i spend the entire lecture coloring and doing crossword puzzles. my english class is good... i love that i can totally b.s. my way through english classes. it's pretty much awesome. but shh! don' tell nobodies!

oh! ok, so i didn't buy a parking decal this semester b/c it's almost pointless... you pay 90 bucks, stick it permanently on your car, and spend 20 minutes looking for a parking place every morning, and you end up about a mile or two away from where you need to be. so, really, you might as well park off campus for free, right? Well, someone told me that you could park on the street that runs in front of the UC w/o a parking decal... well, they were WRONG. i definitely got a $50 ticket today. GRRRRRR. just one more thing i have to spend money on. great. fantastic. thank you, UNO! no, no, thank you, really, because i haven't given you enough of my non-existent money already...

aaaaaand on that extremely sarcastic and bitter note, i will bid you all adieu as i head up (yes, 5 feet up, to be exact) to bed.

what does it mean to abide?

2008-09-18T02:37:00.004-05:00

((John 15: 1-11))

a·bide [uh-bahyd] a·bode or a·bid·ed, a·bid·ing.
–verb (used without object) ((it's an action))

1.	to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.

2.	to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.

3.	to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; to last.

–verb (used with object)

4.	to put up with; tolerate; stand: I can't abide dishonesty!

5.	to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting: to abide a vigorous onslaught.

6.	to wait for; await: to abide the coming of the Lord.

7.	to accept without opposition or question: to abide the verdict of the judges.

8.	to pay the price or penalty of; suffer for.

—Verb phrase

abide by,

a.	to act in accord with.

b.	to submit to; agree to: to abide by the court's decision.

c.	to remain steadfast or faithful to; keep: If you make a promise, abide by it.

"This Is Not"

2008-09-16T23:58:00.003-05:00

by the Benjamin Gate

I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy

oh oh
This is not what I need to be
oh oh
This is not what you mean to me

I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery

I tried to be so perfect

sorry.

2008-09-10T00:24:00.002-05:00

it's not enough;
it will never be enough.

it's too much;
always too much.

not right;
never right.

wrong, so wrong;
always wrong.

never ever good enough;
never ever strong enough.

Everything i want is wrong.
my heart, mind, and soul can't reach an agreement.
The Id always wins;
damn you, Freud, and your ridiculous psychobabble.
damn you, primitive body, and your animalistic, self-destructive desires.
It's all so shoddy, dark, and empty;
why do i so long for its hollow gratification?

it makes absolutely no
________ sense.

Evacua/Vaca - tion

2008-09-04T18:25:00.002-05:00

So i've been in St. Louis for almost a week... had to evacuate New Orleans b/c of Gustav. Yeah, good times. Lemme just fill you in on how that whole deal went down...
Michael (friend from UNO) and I left NOLA friday afternoon. We made it about 2 hours away, to Macomb, Mississippi where i got a flat tire. Had to pull over to the side of the highway and freak out a bit b/c i've never gotten a flat tire before... Michael changed to my spare (which was just about as flat as the regular tire) and we drove into town. Macomb, MS = bumpkinville USA. I am SO glad it was still daylight when we had to get the flat, b/c this small little town looked like a horror flick waiting to happen. We pull into Tire City, where they sell new and used tires. Thank God. I was able to replace both rear tires for 77 bucks. That's pretty awesome. They were used tires, but good. Ok, so we get the tires replaced (it's only like 400 degrees outside, btw), and then drive down the street to fill up the tank. Within the block we drove the tire went flat again. wtf. so we drive BACK to the tire place, and they found a tiny itty bitty pin hole... so they patched it and all is well. (aside from me freaking out, nervous as hell that something else is going to go wrong.)
sooooo we drive. drive drive drive drive. lots of driving. The nice thing is, we drove with the windows down and saved a ton of gas by not using the AC. In fact, we only stopped one other time on the way to STL. hollerrrr. We got into town at 1:30 am... thankfully, in a few collective pieces.
Saturday was fun... Michael and I walked to downtown Kirkwood to go to the winery, alendale microbrewery, farmers market, kaldi's... just walked around. it was great. until we started walking home and michael was getting on my LAST nerve. Now, people who know me well know that i generally don't display my aggravation directly toward people. I guess it's because i was really stressed by having to evacuate, still not sure what Gustav was going to do to New Orleans, and overwhelmed by what happened the day before... a combination of everything... Michael just kept bugging me, and i flipped the EFF out on Kirkwood Road. By the time we got home I closed myself up in my room for a few hours to cool off. But, unfortunately, i just kept being snippy at him all weekend. I tried not to-- really--he was just so irritating. but i digress...
During my visit here in St. Louis i saw my girls that I hung out with my first year of college (Maggie, my old roommate; Molly, and Melissa) It was awesome. Then i saw some friends who were in town from Atlanta, and THEN i got to drive to Lawrence to see my bff Lucy... on the way i got to drive through Columbia and see Kaitlin-- my friend from the New York trip this summer. AHHHH! It was so incredible. seeing all these people i LOVE. YAAAAY!
...and now Gustav is mauling St. Louis. It's been uber-rainy and windy all day. and chilly. good times, really. it's kinda enjoyable. (i've been wanting a cool, rainy fall day for a while-- and we all know fall doesn't start in New Orleans for at least a few more months.) I went to see both of my sisters at school today...took coffee to Lizz and then drove over to Sami's school to have lunch. it was fun. Then michael and I went to the Loop. YAY! I got a few CD's at Vintage Vinyl (Jamiroquai-- Traveling Without Moving, and the Duhks-- fast paced world), browsed at Rag-O-Rama, and got an ash tray for my friend at the Phoenix (it has a picture of Jesus and says "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke." i thought it was hilarious.) Then we got a cup of coffee and drove around so i could show him where I used to work and go to school and stuff... good times.

So yeah. it's been fun. we're supposed to drive back tomorrow, but i'm thinking about calling my boss and seeing if i can drive back later in the weekend since Michael can't get back into his apartment until Sunday evening. Because honestly-- i do NOT want him living in the same house as me anymore. lol. mean but true. we could never be married. i'd kill him. he's such a good friend though... i keep apologizing to him for being a bitch, and he's like "don't worry about it. i'm annoying. i understand." and he doesn't hold it against me. what a good guy.

can't wait to move in with my friends. especially after seeing Lucy's place in Lawrence... it's gotten me even more excited about decorating my room and living with people my age. Bill (the boys' dad) said he thinks he found someone to replace me and i should be able to move out by mid-september. that's soon. yay!!
so i've found myself saying "baller" a lot. and i think it's hilarious. i crack myself up. i'll be like 'that is so baller.' and then giggle in my head. enjoying life is fun.

YAY!

2008-08-17T23:03:00.002-05:00

I had a truly amazing day today... PRAISE. THE. LORD. i've been stuck in a rut, in case you haven't noticed. life has been so blah and frustrating... but today was so good.
I took the kids to their family's boat-house on the bayou so they could play with their younger cousin and i could relax with their aunt and older cousin. It was so great. just hangin' out, watching Law & Order, lettin' the day go by.
Then i took them home to get ready for their grandma to take them to mass... after they left i got ready to go to Pivot. (for those who don't know, Pivot is a young adult group that meets one sunday a month for, essentially, a church service. they also have small groups that meet during the week and random events, etc...)
I cannot express just how incredibly elated i was to be able to go. I could feel my spirit revived the moment i pulled into the parking lot. As soon as i walked in i saw people i haven't seen since May-- and it was great. There were tons of hugs (YAAAAAY!), excited conversations, and i got to meet new people. The Lord totally blessed me today. I have been craving-- aching--DYING for a sense of community, for physical affection, to have people to interact with... it was so great. SO GREAT. I honestly cannot even express into words just how i feel right now-- the happiest i've been in weeks.
My friends were all really excited about my job-change, too. They are SO looking forward to me being at Pivot more and being able to get involved with small groups and go on trips and stuff. I was so excited i even signed up to go canoing at the end of August.

update on the job front: nothing yet. lol. but, two job-opps came my way today... Brandi told me that her mom is friends with her manager at Curves, and would put a word in for me. They are looking for someone to work a few evening shifts. It wouldn't pay the bills, but it would definitely supplement my income. then my other friend, Bekah, told me that the restaurant she works at, Olive Branch, is opening a new location in mid-city at the end of the month. She, too, is good friends with her manager, and gave me her number to call about a job. SO... i'm hoping between the two of these, maybe something will happen-- a ball will start rolling.

on the unfortunate side... the family hasn't found anyone to replace me yet. It's ok, i told them September, so they still have time... i just hope they find someone soon so we can start transitioning the boys.
Speaking of the boys... i'm so worried about how they are going to take this. They still don't know. But i know that they are going to feel so... freaked out. totally upset. and i know i can't do anything but pray about it. I just keep praying that God will smooth it over- make them calm about it- help them to realize that they are not losing me... because i'll definitely be around, just not every day 24/7. On top of everything, the 1-year anniversary of their mother's death is this friday. Again, another situation that i don't even know how to deal with. They haven't said anything about it... but i know they know. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. lots. lots lots.

my "novel" revelation ... rolls eyes

2008-08-12T23:21:00.005-05:00

so i'm madly obsessed with the Twilight series. i tried to avoid it-- actively avoided reading the novels like the plague, and wouldn't even allow myself to swoon over Robert Pattinson (the amazingly beautiful guy who is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming movie). alas, however, my friend told me to suck it up and at least read the first book. so i did. and i've been hooked since. i just started the third book, Eclipse, and it is almost disturbing to me how genuinely engrossed i am in this series.
it's not just "oh, this is a great book, i can't wait to see what happens." it's more like "i want to be in this book. i want this to be my life. i love edward." i know, i know, you're rolling your eyes, because EVERYBODY and their MOTHER is gabbing on and on about how they are in love with Edward Cullen. But tonight (while i was bordering having an anxiety attack for no known reason,) i realized WHY i love Edward Cullen, and why i am so strongly consumed by these books:

1. i am deprived of physical affection. (and anyone who knows me any kind of well knows that I NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION.) And in the Twilight books, Bella is always receiving affection. Even in the second book, when Edward is gone (sorry, spoiler), Jacob gives her affection in a platonic way.
2. i want-- SO BADLY-- for someone to love me the way that Edward loves Bella. I mean... he doesn't just LOVE her, his whole life centers around her well being. Yes, he hurts her-- it's impossible to have a love relationship without some emotional pain-- but he is always there to keep her safe, to hold her, and love her. hello, what woman DOESN'T want that?? lol

right. so i sound like every other girl in the world...and incredibly cheesy and worthy of many eye-rolls and laughs, i'm sure, but it's true.

Life's a Beach...with my mom & sisters in Biloxi.

2008-08-11T01:40:00.003-05:00

oh, right...

2008-08-06T13:16:00.003-05:00

this morning i was at the chiropractor's office, laying on the massage table, reading Battlefield of the Mind. i stumbled across a page i had folded over while i was in New York, and started to read it again. and once again, God slammed me on my ass and told me to get my priorities straight.

____________________________________________________________________

Trust God, Not Human Reason

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion. I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, "Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused." I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.

The human mind likes logic and order and reason. It likes to deal with what it understands. Therefore, we have a tendency to put things into neat little bins in the compartments of our mind, thinking, "This must be the way it is because it fits so nicely here." We can find something our minds are comfortable with and still be totally wrong.

...I don't know about you, but I want God to reveal things to me in such a way that i KNOW in my spirit that what has been revealed to my mind is correct. I don't want to reason, to figure and to be logical, rotating my mind around and around an issue until I am worn out and confused. I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.

...I realize now that I felt more secure if I had things figured out. I did not want any loose ends in my life. I wanted to be in control--and when I did not understand things, I felt out of control--frightened. But I was lacking something. I had no peace of mind and was physically worn out. . . Reasoning is not the normal condition in which God wants our mind to reside.
____________________________________________________________________

close book. put it down.
"shit. i forgot. i always forget. i'm sorry."

i am a wreck.

2008-08-05T23:08:00.002-05:00

i miss people.
i'm stressed about these big life-changes. i know i shouldn't be, i know i need to trust the Lord...but the truth is, there are seasons of stress in life-- and i'm in one right now.
i'm worried about money. again, i know that God will take care of it...but that doesn't make the worry go away.
i'm sad that my family had to put my dog, Phoebe, to sleep. i knew it was coming-- she's been sick for quite a while-- but that doesn't make it any better. i didn't even get to say goodbye.
i feel deprived of affection. i have friends here that i've seen regularly since i've been back to reality are not touchy-feely-let's-hug-and-snuggle type people. physical touch is my number one love language...and nobody around me speaks it.
everything is up in the air... i just wish there was something i could hold onto.
i can't seem to find time to do anything...but i feel like i'm never doing anything.
i'm hardly ever truly alone...but i feel lonely. but, ironically, i just want some time alone.
time with God. i feel dehydrated and disoriented.
and sometimes i feel like i'd rather be dead.
sad but true.

i'm moving! ...again!

2008-08-04T00:59:00.008-05:00

Sorry i've been slow on updating on my job situation...my family just left town this morning and i haven't really had any free time until now.

First of all, I was praying a few weeks ago... ya know, asking God to reveal his will to me about my job situation, etc... and "Jeremiah 7:2" kept popping into my head, so i figured i'd look it up. i was expecting to read a verse that said something about "go! you have my blessing!" or whatever... instead, i read a call to worship. oh yeah... worship. my bad, God. i forgot.
so i spent about a half-hour in prayer, just worshiping and thanking God for all that he is, and right as i'm about to wrap it up, my phone rings. Carin (my best friend in St Louis) called me to catch up, and by the end was encouraging me to take a leap of faith-- if God's will is for me to move out and find a new job, he will honor and affirm my act of faith.
So, i talked to my boss (last week)...told him that i was looking for a new job, and explained that i felt i was missing out on community and relationships with people my age, and i wanted to be more involved on my campus-- and that just wasn't possible while working for him. I also told him that i was very appreciative of the experience and that i love my job... i just need something more compatible with college life. He was COMPLETELY understanding about the whole situation; he told me he knew it would only be a temporary thing, and that he agreed that i need to follow what i feel is right in my heart. PTL! I told him i would stay until September, so hopefully he'll find someone to replace me by then.
With that out of the way, i went to dinner that night with one of my friends, Brandy, that i hadn't seen since april or may. i caught her up to speed, including me quitting my job--in complete faith that God would provide a new place to live and a job. Then Brandy told me her and her sister were looking for a 3rd roommate in their apartment...they have an extra bedroom, and the rent would be easier on everyone if there was a 3rd person. She told me to pray about it...but i was like "uh, i'm pretty sure this is a total God thing."
I'm so excited about moving in with them. it's only about 450-500 a month (including utilities), which will be hard, but at least i'll be living a "normal" college life. So now i'm trying to find a job... if all else fails, i'm almost positive i can work at Antoine's in the French Quarter. The family i nanny for owns and runs it, and one of my friends, Casie (the boys' cousin), said she was almost positive they would hire me as a hostess. It only pays 9.50/hr, but it could work. For now i'm applying just about everywhere, though.
...the only down side: i have to down-size to a twin bed. maybe full, but that's pushing it. it's a pretty small bedroom. but... i made a twin work my first year of college, i think i can manage. just gotta get my memory-foam mattress topper from home. and hopefully i'll find a good mattress somewhat inexpensive somewhere. and some bed-side tables. and lamps. and a rug. and sheets. it'll be an investment...but i'm so excited.

umm. yeah. i went to the beach last week...but i haven't uploaded my pictures yet. they'll be up soon :)

Violet Hill, by Coldplay

2008-07-26T10:46:00.002-05:00

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze
Down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Bury me in honor
When I'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

...i can't stop listening to this song.
i love it so much.
actually, their whole new CD, Viva la Vida, is REALLY good.
it's just so beautiful.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning for no particular reason.
i really wanted it to be a cold, foggy day...
maybe it's because i've been watching a British sit-com.

well, crap...

2008-07-24T14:14:00.006-05:00

i've done it this time... a few nights ago i threw my lower back out-- to the point that i couldn't even get up. my mom had to help me roll out of bed and crawl to the living room so i could be in a more convenient part of the house. She and my sisters left for Arizona tuesday morning, so the boys and their family have been gracious in helping me through this. i've been to the chiropractor twice now and had therapy-- and now i'm at least able to get up and move around on my own. But i'm still in a lot of pain. Honestly, i think it's God's way of telling me to slow down and take some time to just BE... that and i went from walking miles a day (in New York) to not walking at all-- and apparently that's not so good for me, lol. so yeah... OW. on the plus side, one of the boys' aunts gave me some muscle relaxers. PTL.

on another note... this kids are driving me f-ing crazy. i haven't even been their primary caretaker the last week, and i still can't even tolerate them. ok, so that's a lie... Mitchell (the younger one) doesn't bother me at all... but Will is driving me up the wall. he doesn't listen, he is completely inconsiderate of everyone around him, selfish, and is constantly trying to control everything-- including his younger brother. I don't want to have this job anymore... but even if i quit it's going to be like 3 months before i get out. God's going to have to change my heart more than ever.

On the upside, being down and out with less than regular mobility has allowed me to think through the whole New York trip... and i've finally been able to grab onto a few concrete ideas in the sea of everything i experienced... I learned that God has the ability to meet all of my emotional needs just as much as my physical needs. I've seen him provide in abundance when it comes to money, a job, a place to live, etc... but this summer he showed me that he can meet my emotional needs too-- like having guy friends, having close girl friends, and being able to supply my every day life with enough holy spirit to get me through. The truth is, i learned that i need Him everyday-- which is a DUH things, but project really helped bring that to light. Every day i would pray in the morning that i would not only remember my need for Him, but that I would be filled with the holy spirit... and i really felt a difference in my life. When i was getting frustrated with people or situations, or just needing a cigarette, i would pray that god would fill that need, fill that frustration with the holy spirit-- and change my heart in a way that only He can... and it was awesome to see him transform my heart and attitude within a matter of minutes. GAH! he's so awesome.

On a spiritual level, i find myself already creeping back into my apathy. I think part of it is i'm back in the "same old" location, so i just fell back into old patterns, but i really want to be more active in my relationship with God. It was awesome to be so consistent with my quiet times -- even though they were never "scheduled," i always spent time in the word everyday, and i loved that. I'm hoping that once i get myself back in a groove here, prayer and readingi'll pick that back up. No, i'm not hoping-- it IS going to happen. I would really love to start being more conscious about engaging in spiritual conversation. For me it's always been "taboo," but project tought me that with enough effort, it can become less of a "touchy" subject... i think i'm more comfortable now than ever before with using soularium, and it's my hope that i'll more actively use it on campus...or anywhere, really.
i'm really looking forward to Stephen being down here too... with his help, and one of our staffers down here, i'm hoping to get some kind of arts ministry rolling... something like project, but long term. There's a girl on staff here that is by no means an artist (she even says so herself,) but she's very supportive of art ministries, and would probably love to help with logistical sides of the ministry, which is awesome.

...right. well. i need to try to get up and walk around a little bit so my back doesn't get super-stiff again. more to come.

transition is getting... better?

2008-07-20T03:34:00.004-05:00

i still find my mind wandering back to new york... everything reminds me of everyone i miss. and i find myself physically wandering around, not sure where i'm supposed to be. i guess i'll get over this eventually. but right now, disoriented is the best word to explain my state of being.

so, everyone on project knows this, but the few others who read my blog don't yet... i want to quit my job. after spending 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people in my age group, i realized i'm totally lacking that in my daily life-- which isn't good. I realize it even more now, coming home from project, that i don't really have a lot of friends here. The few i have are amazing-- don't get me wrong-- but i just really want to have a community of people here that i can hang out with and get to know and love. more than just 4 or 5. and i realized that one of the biggest inhibitors of this peer-community situation is my job. spending 2 weeks straight with a 7 and 11 year old is not conducive to my 21 year old soul. i need to be 21. not a 42 year old mom with 2 kids. i'm not there yet-- i'm sick of playing that role.
but then Mother Logic (literally, my mother) fights back with:
*you're not going to find a job that pays this well (true-- but i'm not even making a fair wage for what i'm doing for this job)
*you're not paying for rent or your own groceries right now-- don't you REALIZE how much that costs? (no, really?)
*you need to reevaluate your role to this family, and think about why God put you here. (...because i hadn't even considered that...?)

...i mean, really, does my mom think i'm retarded and i haven't thought of those things?? i'm not completely naive. my question, though, is-- how do other college students manage to work, go to school, have a healthy social life, and still pay their rent and utilities? i'm pretty sure it's possible... anyway. i don't know what to do about this right now. and thinking about it just stresses me out. so. yeah. prayer-- lots of it.

anyway... thought i'd share the two major art pieces i worked on while i was in New York (there were 5 total, but these were the two "assignments"). the whole theme of the exhibit was "reHumanize"... essentially, we were focusing on what it means to be human, what God intended humanity to look like, how we've become dehumanized and how to fix it, etc...

#1: "Looking for Love" mirror, acrylic paint, plaster cast

this is my first piece in response to the theme. I wanted to zoom in on the aspect of physical touch-- i think it is a vital piece of being human, and is an important love language. however, society has warped it in such a way that negative touch is over used, and positive touch is lacking. this piece is intended to draw in the viewer, but as they lean over to look down at this girl who is reaching up, they are forced to look at themselves... however, it is an obstructed view of themselves, because from certain angles the viewer will see the girl blocking their reflection. in short 1. We are the same as those we look down upon, and 2. we're all longing for connection.

#2: "Undone," a collaboration piece by myself and Brian Dang. Acrylic on unstretched canvas. (9'x5')
Obviously, i live in New Orleans, and Brian has done a lot of volunteer relief work. We both agreed that the rebuilding of New Orleans has been a great example of rehumanizing-- not only the citizens of New Orleans, but the millions of volunteers who have helped, as well as people all over the nation and the world watching it happen. We tried to capture the drastic difference between the physical destruction of the storm and the emotional (and physical) renewal that has taken place since Katrina. We left it somewhat gestural and "unfinished," however, to reiterate the fact that the restoration of New Orleans is still a work in progress.

so yeah... those were the two pieces i had in the show. i only kept the hand part of the first piece, and the mural is rolled up in a box in the living room waiting to find a home somewhere in a New Orleans gallery, hopefully... eventually.

...eventually.

this is what i'm calling "P.P.S.D." -- Post Project Stress Disorder.

2008-07-17T13:25:00.000-05:00

well, project is over and i feel... lost.
i mean, i just spent 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people who i've come to love, spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with them... it just doesn't feel right. i feel so lonely. it's nice to have down time to sleep and just do nothing, but...
i'm not only an emotional wreck, but i physically feel awful. I started a full-body cleansing program yesterday because i think the funk of the city, lack of sleep, excess stress, and emotional exhaustion has just put my body through the wringer.
it feels like someone removed my brain, shook it up, and put it in backwards... then completely sucked the life out of my heart. so basically it feels like someone just broke up with me... but instead of just one person it's like 40 people.
i know it'll get better-- after a couple more days of excessive sleeping and mentally debriefing... but... right now i really hate it.
even worse, the people i felt were going to be the most supportive of my job-changing decisions haven't voiced anything more than doubt. so i've decided not to have any deep, important conversations for a few days.
i can't think any more right now... more to come later.

i have failed you,

2008-05-01T23:04:00.003-05:00

and i'm sorry.

i have hurt you
yet again.

i can't fix these
broken pieces,

but with you
i know we can.

this secret, though
is tempting,

i want to hide,
far...dark...away.

that primitive beast
inside my mind

wants nothing but
to play.

it lurks amid the water,
its sharp edges press in hard,

cuts through thickness,
seals out weakness,

in hopes it will
leave a scar.

i want not to
feel allured

into this damp
and devilish place.

do something Lord,
i'm crying out,

just let me see
your face.

p'sha.

2008-04-27T01:56:00.001-05:00

i never have time to blog.

nobody reads it anyway.

but yeah... drivin home may 31st, i'll be home the whole first week of may...
boys are comin' with me :)

should be an interesting drive, but i can't wait to be in STL. i'm sure i'll get over it within the first few days, but this Louisiana Lady needs some St Louis Lovin'.

an artist's confessional

2008-04-07T16:47:00.003-05:00

i don't even know what to say.
i don't even LIKE you-- there's no question in my mind that i hate you.
But there's nothing i can do about it--
i have to see you everyday, live every moment of my life with you scowling down at me--
sometimes peering up at me--
either way you can never manage to leave me alone for more than a fraction of a moment.
i find myself warring with you, shoving you away,
painting over your appalling grotesque features of pain and agony;
smothering pigments shape your face,
thick, liquid-life mixing and blending and layering
with breath of its own
creating a new being.
i find myself seeping into the pores of the canvas,
a part of me moving through the flowing tones and shades;
the brush shuttering with electricity and individual personality within my grasp.

time paints a portrait.
an image.
a living representation of interpretation that portrays this haunting--
the receiver of my hatred, the source of my apathy--

my self portrait, leaning deviously yet innocently on the easel--
still, but moving.
alive, but so very dead.

i'm a mess

2008-03-31T22:09:00.003-05:00

but it's ok.
i'm detached and despondent,
but tomorrow is a new day.
it's hard to see past this wall of pain,
but i know something better is on its way

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need

looking for something i'll never find,
a futile search
within my stubborn mind.
remind me again of who i am,
where i'm going,
and what's left behind.

i fear my failure will only get worse--
this is a play that i've yet to rehearse;
i stutter and stammer and butcher my lines
this tired, broken speech instead of beautiful verse...

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need.

my first critique

2008-03-29T01:31:00.005-05:00

although i am frequently critiqued by fellow art students and professors, tonight was the first critique i've received from an unbiased third party . . .ok, so not totally unbiased-- it was written by a friend-- but it's still incredibly eloquent and insightful.

Self Portrait, September 2007; charcoal on paper

I absolutely love [this] piece. It has so much in common with the Mona Lisa. Bisect the image straight down the center and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The audience’s right side, the face’s left side, is slightly arched. Its eye is looking directly at the viewer, holding them in place with a stare that seems to follow. It’s a beauty carved out of absolutes.

To the untrained eye, its merely shading under the eye, but upon careful inspection, and in contrast to the face’s other half, its scar. Probably not intentional, but look at it again. The face’s left side (feminine in classical art) has the softer shading, denoting a delicate nature, but the scar shows the pain of being considered a “softer creature.” The scar/shadow cuts across the cheek and meets the jaw line, where on the left side is more pronounced. Follow the jaw, into the right side of the face, the audience’s left, and you see the harsher shading overall, though a softer jaw line. Its not just lighting reflected here. It’s the conflict between the oppositional forces of the passive Yin and the ever creating Yang.

The “male” side of the face, our left, has darker shading, probably in an effort to show a sort of “covering up” of that aspect of the woman’s face. This isn’t merely a portrait, it’s a microcosm. The right eye doesn’t focus in on the viewer like its counterpart does. It drifts, as if shy, as if it wants so badly to be ignored.

The hair is wild, but has characteristics of straw. It drifts only slightly, and holds in place despite its disheveled nature. It’s a reference to the careless beauty that the woman possesses. She doesn’t dress herself up to impress you, but even with messy hair, she’s a vision.

The lips follow the trend of slanting, with the advantage going to the feminine side. That half of the face knows something we don’t. Woman’s intuition, perhaps? Maybe just a secret, just a small one, but one strong enough to break your heart. The mouth makes no effort to purse, nor smile. It just waits, not to be kissed, not to be admired, not to be addressed, but to assert. It has something to say, and its waiting for you to shut up and listen. This isn’t merely a girl’s face, it’s the face of every woman in American society for the last 50 years. Shut up and listen to her.

~ K. Sartor 3/29/08

untitled

2008-03-10T23:07:00.005-05:00

i think it's the adrenaline rush
that accompanies the pain
that makes me do this to myself
over and over again.

it's not about the broken heart
the wounded soul
the broken skin;
it's about an opportunity just to
feel again.

because when it hurts it isn't numb
and that, at least, is
good.

blech.

2008-03-05T16:35:00.003-06:00

so i've had a really sore throat for a few days... i went to the dr. yesterday, they did a strep-test, and it came back negative. good... i guess. instead, i have a bad sinus infection. apparently it's been percolating since that cold got on the way home from STL a few weeks ago. SO... they gave me a shot and a prescription for antibiotics. great, that's exciting-- we all know how well i get along with antibiotics, lol.
so i was hoping to feel better this morning... no such luck. i woke up with a vicious sinus headache-- i thought my eyes were going to pop out and it felt like there was cement in my sinuses, and let's not even get into my issue with light sensitivity today. *rolls eyes* my headache got a little better after i took some mucinex and advil, but it came back... and i hate it. it's so hard to tolerate children when all you want to do is blow your own head off.

...the coffee diet?

2008-02-29T15:36:00.003-06:00

so i was out of pants yesterday... i needed to do laundry really bad. i was down to sweat pants or pants i haven't been able to fit into since the beginning of the summer. well, i was feeling adventurous, so i tried the pants that probably weren't going to fit, except...
THEY DID! i was really shocked.
so then i thought... i'm gonna weigh myself, just for the heck of it...
I LOST 5 LBS -- THIS WEEK. that's INSANE.
the funny part of it is, i'm not really doing anything to lose weight... i mean, i've been eating less and drinking a LOT of coffee (iced, with a splash of milk, no sugar), but still...

anyway. i'm excited. i hope i keep losing 5 lbs a week, that'd be nice :)

yeah, and here's the best part...

2008-02-25T16:27:00.002-06:00

it's february and i'm wearing tank tops, flip flops, and we had to turn the AC on. It's like summer, no joke.

don't be too jealous, though-- we've got a cold front moving in...
the high is only going to be about 65 for the next few days :)

Playground by Sia

2008-02-24T00:24:00.001-06:00

Come with me to a place of fantasy
I’ll take you on a sea-saw
Come with me to a place that’s by the sea
I’ll take you on a board walk
Take my hand I’ll take you to the sand
You and me will build a castle
Ready set go I’ll race you to the wall
I will win I am the fastest

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

I’ll be sure to write you from the war
Put your guns away it’s tea time
Water bombs and tea towel tired mums
Looking for a little me time
Close your eyes and count to thirty five
You may never ever find me
Close my eyes and then I realize
You are never far behind me

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime
I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

Let’s have fun, let’s play out under the sun
Will you take me by the hand
Let’s see how far we can run, yeah
Let’s play chase let’s put make up on our face
You can catch me if you can
We can make a secret place

from Manfred by Lord Byron

2008-02-20T20:48:00.002-06:00

" MANFRED
The lamp must be replenish'd, but even then
It will not burn so long as I must watch.
My slumbers-- if I slumber-- are not sleep,
But a continuance of enduring thought,
Which then I can resist not: in my heart
There is a vigil, and these eyes but close
To look within; and yet I live, and bear
The aspect and the form of breathing men.
But grief should be the instructor of the wise;
Sorrow is knowledge: they who know the most     10
Must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth,
The Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life.
Philosophy and science, and the springs
Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world,
I have essay'd, and in my mind there is
A power to make these subject to itself--
But they avail not: I have done men good,
And I have met with good even among men--
But this avail'd not: I have had my foes,
And none have baffled, many fallen before me--     20
But this avail'd not: Good, or evil, life,
Powers, passions, all I see in other beings,
Have been to me as rain unto the sands,
Since that all-nameless hour. I have no dread,
And feel the curse to have no natural fear
Nor fluttering throb, that beats with hopes or wishes
Or lurking love of something on the earth. "

[i find myself seeping through the cracks of 18th C. /early 19th C.
British literature...

maybe it's because that, along with Art history, are currently my
only literary intake,
but i cannot help but linger upon my keen desire for Gothic literature.
Not the depressing,
suicidal screams for help as most people associate with the word "Gothic,"
but rather it's
actual meaning, and it's actual influence on art, both visual and written.
Not a scream, but a whisper--
A Dark corner in a vibrant landscape of sublimity--
a battle of God, spirituality, and self.]

[I am in everything I read. I am in every piece of artwork I view,
thus, the wonderful result of being blessed with a creative soul. ]

my two cents...

2008-02-11T00:22:00.000-06:00

thanks to Andy i have something to appease my boredom and inability sleep...

Two names you go by… Desiree and Miss Desi :)

Two things you are wearing right now… yoga pants and a tshirt with my initials on it.

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship… trust and respect sound pretty good to me!

Two of your favorite things to do… paint and be outside in the sun

Two things you want very badly at the moment… to be done with gen-ed classes and to hug my mamma.

Two pets you have or have had… Louie and Fleck / Phoebe and Peanut

Two things that you did last night… ate at Juan's Flying Burrito and watched the Italian Job

Two people you think will fill this out... nobody.

Two things you ate today… leftover Juan's for breakfast and eggs for dinner :)

Two people you last talked to… Nick and Casie

Two things you’re doing tomorrow… Finishing a painting and CRU prayer meeting

Two longest car rides… Detroit and West Palm Beach

Two favorite holidays… Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two favorite beverages… Coffee and water

Two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to… Jesus and Marilyn Monroe... we'd all three have coffee together, for sure.

"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

2008-02-06T23:35:00.000-06:00

..."Let the Good Times Roll"...

(me and casie)

so, i was selfishly upset because i wanted to go to a ton of parades the last few weeks, but couldn't because i had the boys. well, monday night the boys' grandpa watched them and i went with Merri Kay and Jane to Krewe of Proteus and Orpheus uptown on St. Charles and it was AMAZING. First of all, it's an awesome community event-- seeing a ton of people out doing the same thing you are, waiting to see the same parades... it's hard to explain, but there's such a sense of unity. It's pretty easy to just strike up a conversation with complete strangers here in New Orleans anyway, but at parades it's even easier. We were camped out in front of Jane's friends' house, so we not only had access to a clean bathroom, but free food and drinks! We had some red beans and rice, grabbed a couple beers, and stood for 3 hours with our arms in the air screaming for beads. I ended up with a BUNCH. it was so so so so fun! Not to mention the floats are BEAUTIFUL. I was going to take pictures, but i was too excited to stop and pick up my camera.
THEN on Mardi Gras day the boys and i went over to their aunt and uncle's house, which is blocks away from the main parade route in Metairie (more "family-friendly" parades). It was a blast. Their cousin, Casie, Aunt Arlene, and I all got new orleans' famous daiquiris, and just had a great time with the family. The parades went from noon until about 5. . . it was crazy but SO fun. I caught a lot of beads (including some really cool ones), a stuffed animal, a garter, a foam "captain morgan" hat, and a purple, green and gold feather boa. It was such an amazing experience!!! I cannot wait until next year. I mean, i've always read and heard that Mardi Gras is an awesome time to live in New Orleans, but i didn't realize just how much until i was a part of it.
Needless to say, though, it was rough getting to class this morning. Mardi Gras recovery is the worst part... and the fact that UNO is the ONLY school down here that actually had classes today. I showed up for my first class... but i totally didn't make it to my second one. I went home to eat lunch during my break and ended up falling asleep. Oh well. it's the first class i've skipped since i've been at UNO, i don't think it'll kill me.

on a different note, i'm ready for my two weeks off. Bill is supposed to be home tomorrow (please, God), and i am absolutely beyond ready. i feel like i've been working for more than two weeks... i guess it's because the boys have been acting out more. And Mitchell's been sick. and Will's been deaf... excuse me, i believe a better term would be "selective hearing." *rolls eyes*
count it all joy. count it all joy. count it all joy...

i'll be back in st. louis in 8 days! ya'll better warm it up for me... i can't handle any more of that cold nonsense.

i. need. a. break. NOW.

2008-02-01T18:38:00.000-06:00

I AM SO FRUSTRATED I CANNOT EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

Today started off ok... i got to go back to bed after i took the boys to school and slept for a couple hours before heading to class. I even finished my computer science lab super early and headed over to the UC for lunch with my friend Jessica. It was all really great until after lunch... i headed to the grocery store close to campus to get a bunch of stuff we needed at the house. Halfway thru my shopping, Bill calls me, and asks me if i can go get Will. Apparently Will had an early release day today, but did not inform me, and instead called his dad and told him I wasn't there to pick him up. Wow, that looks really good, huh? I just told him, I was sorry, that Will didn't tell me, etc... so i guess that went over fine.
But the boys have been pretty disobedient all day, the dog is annoying me, i can't go to a parade tonight with my friends because i don't have anyone to watch the kids, and to top it all off, i baked chicken for dinner-- a whole chicken with cornbread stuffing (i didn't do it myself-- i bought it like that, lol). I baked it for about an hour and a half, spent time making mashed potatoes and green beans, and then... the boys don't want what i made. I AM SO MAD. I had to practically force Mitchell to eat it, and Will won't. There's nothing more frustrating than spending time on a meal for someone, only for them to tell me it's gross and they don't like it and they don't want it. I told them too bad, so sad. Eat what i made or don't eat at all, kapische?

i need to paint. i'm gonna turn on a movie for the heathen children, lock myself in the back, and exert some internalized aggression.

from past pages of my prayer journal

2008-01-22T01:34:00.000-06:00

dated 01/13/07
God, you are awesome. Even when it feels like everything is wrong and my world is dark and depressed, you reach through and give me strength--even if it's just enough to get through the day.
i'm tired.
i'm depressed.
i'm bored with life
and you know that.
Thank you in advance for the help you're sending my way-- and thank you for the hope and faith that gives me strength. i love you.

dated 01/16/07
Take my anxiety, my depression, my worries, my fears-- EVERYTHING. I can't handle them, but i know you can.
Take my talents, my desires, my dreams-- use them for your glory. Give my thoughts and words and art-- use it for what you want--fulfill my purpose.
Where do you want me to go? Guide me, God, i'm longing to hear your voice and feel your hand of guidance.

What do you want me to do? Speak to me--inspire me--motivate me to move with your will.

Provide only as you can-- take my mind away from worry about what i'll eat or wear or how i'll pay for school-- you take care of all of creation without a cent of payment and i know i am more precious to you than a flower or a bird. Console me: i do not fear because you are with me. Please strengthen and help me.
Help me to offer every part of my life as a sacrifice to you--not to work and exist for the purpose of others, but to do everything to bring you honor. I pray for the courage to follow through.
Grant me a serenity that only you provide. Amidst a storm within my daily life, you know the outcome. As your child EVERYTHING WORKS OUT as long as i trust and believe in you. Remove my worries and replace them with reassurance that you ARE there looking after me and working everything for the best.
You are incredible, God. Your power and glory are completely unfathomable-- even more so, your mercy and grace and patience. Thank you for listening and responding--for being a God that communicates.

i love you.

dated 02/08/07
Thank you, God for the good days.
Thank you for reminding me that even amid overwhelming problems, you grant a grounded, sustaining peace.
Thank you for giving me humbling moments-- and the attitude it takes to accept and learn from those moments.
Thank you for those "fate" moments when someone is in the right place at the right time.
Thank you for being the only original artist, and granting us, as your work, appreciation and inspiration to create. Thank your for giving me your fantastic trait of creativity.
Thank you for holding me when it seems like no one else will.
Thank you for renewing me each day-- Help me to live accordingly.
Thank you for your immense, everlasting, unconditional love.
Help me to show that love to others.

dated 05/06/07
(quote from the Barbarian Way by McManus, p 90)
"We civilize our children rather than guide them to the Barbarian Way. I am concerned that there are many who have grown up in church and have been effectively Christianized but have never genuinely met Christ.

Our goal must not be to populate the Christian religion, but to bring people into a genuine relationship with God."

dated 08/29/07

Psalm 63:6-8
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

1 Peter 4:12- 13, 19
"Dear friend, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

dated 09/16/07
Let your words flow from me
put the words in my mouth
and
the love in my heart
and
your utter glory in my life.

You continually humble me
with your abounding faithfulness
which i do not understand.

Hold me still in your arms,
remind me who i am
and to whom i belong.
Place your hand on my heart
and your life in my lungs.
i run free without fear of
tomorrow.

Love me, Jesus,
in the way only you can.
I am hurting--
but you are my healer
and friend in every season.

01/21/08

i have been inspired by my own encounters with the Lord.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for God-incidents,
for reminders,
for fulfilling your promises,
and most of all, your love.
I pray i continue to walk with you through your strength.

a list for my troubles, a penny for my thoughts

2008-01-15T23:27:00.000-06:00

1. my anxiety and depression is rearing its ugly head... and all i want to do is not feel like i'm bipolar. one minute i feel happy as a hippo and the next i'm stressed and just feel like crying and lying in my bed for a week. or two. or ten.

2. i'm a failure. i bought a pack of cigarettes. but it made me ill so i guess that's a good thing.

3. the boys are NOT LISTENING TO ME and it's driving me absolutely INSANE. Every time i asked Mitchell to do something today, i had to say it at least 5 times... not to mention a couple of times he just stood there, sighed, and said, "AWW COME ONNNN" in a whiny voice that makes me want to scream. Seriously now... this has GOT to stop.

4. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. I wish i could've known about a fourth of this last week when i was doing nothing but being bored out of my skull. I'm trying to just get into the swing of things, because usually once i get going i start loving the business and the adrenaline rush of being overwhelmed... but right now it just sucks. The anxiety of it is making me shut down. I don't know how on earth i'm going to get homework done this semester; i have 3 academic classes instead of just 2-- which means a lot more reading/writing homework. I'm usually helping the boys with their homework until about 5:30 or 6, then i make dinner, do dishes, make sure the kids get their baths, and try (TRY TRY TRY) to get them in bed by 9 (but that NEVER happens because they are so bad about stalling bedtime). But then by 9 i have to go around and pick up the house, take the dog out, do my own homework, do yoga (it HAS to be a permanent piece of my schedule), and take a shower. By the time all that's done it's like... 5am. lol. i don't know how this is going to work.

5. And to top it all off... i'm having like NO quiet times. My schedule is chaotic and even though quiet time is what i need the most right now, it's like the last thing on my to do list... which is probably why i feel like everything is going wrong... i'm too focused on myself and not enough on the Lord.

((God, please take this dark cloud away from my life. Keep me focused. Help me to notice the moments you give me to read your word and spend more time with you.))

"Louie Louie, oh no me gotta go, Aye-yi-yi-yi!"

2008-01-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

This is Louie.

Louie was one of Will and Mitchell's Christmas presents.
Louie is only a few months old.
Louie is small enough to fit in my purse.
Louie is absolutely adorable.

but...

Louie is not house trained.
Louie does not know when it is ok to bark and when to stop.
Louie does not even know his own name.
and nobody asked me if i was ok with Louie.

I guess that's what it all boils down to ... i mean, i LOVE animals-- anyone who knows me at all knows that i am a sucker for a cute fuzzy something. But here's my big problem: I am the caretaker for this family 50% of the time. When decisions about changes in lifestyle arise, i would like to have at least 50% of a voice in the matter, whether my opinion changes the outcome or not. It's not about me having my way, it's about being recognized for who i am in the family-- essentially, a mother figure. Since the beginning i have been accepted as family, let in on family secrets and stories and the works... but not being asked but TOLD about this change in my living and working environment is a little painful. i'm really just hurt that, in the instant when Bill made this decision, i was no longer family, but the nanny who lives here and makes sure stuff gets done. That probably wasn't the thought process at all-- but that's kind of how i feel. I mean, essentially, he's just given me another child to care for, only this one's a BABY: make sure he makes it outside to potty, clean up his messes when he doesn't, make sure he stays out of trouble... i've got to establish feeding and potty schedules, discipline him, and make sure the boys aren't reversing my disciplinary actions... Not to mention he's a HUGE distraction to Will. I mean, it's hard to get that kid focused ANYWAY-- and now all he wants to do is play with Louie...

Geeze i sound like my mother. Now i know how she felt all those times i asked for dogs and fish and hamsters and whatevers...
This is God showing his sense of humor is what it is: placing me in a motherly position for two children that are very similar to my sisters, and then giving me all these little parental trials, saying "this is for giving your mom a hard time...THIS is for thinking you knew how to be a better parent than your mother... oh, and this one is just funny."

i'm trying so hard just to enjoy it. Hopefully we'll have some kind of something worked out before Bill leaves a week from Tuesday. And i need to not think about myself... i'm probably just being selfish. *count it all joy, count it all joy, count it all joy...*

[[we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor]]

Are you tired of dreaming about your ex-boyfriend every night? Sick of waking up thinking you're pregnant--again? Wish you could just have dreams of watching yourself sleep?

...yeah, me too. Just don't watch Harry Potter before you go to bed-- that definitely doesn't help.

[[and now back to our feature presentation]]

Classes start tomorrow. Which means i should actually be asleep already, but... too bad so sad. When Bill's home he normally puts the boys to bed, but he had to run out to the boys' grandparents' house (an hour away) to pick up Will's medicine, which he accidentally left there over the weekend-- so i had to make sure the kids were showered and in bed, etc. Well, after an arduous bath/shower time, i read a devotion to the boys, prayed, and tucked them in. Then i did yoga, took a shower, and the next thing i know it was 12. baaaaaa. oh well.

i'm excited to start class tomorrow, though. i know it'll be all the preliminary meet-your-teacher-get-your-syllabus-do-stupid-paperwork-and-surveys classes for the first few days, but, i'm still excited to get back into the swing of things. i'm supposed to meet with the two other Campus Crusade leaders this week to figure out when we're gonna do weekly prayer meetings and bible studies and on-campus events this semester... not to mention i need to get to work on 2 paintings that i've commissioned myself to do (and would like to have done before i'm back in STL again in February so that they can tag along and find good little homes). It's a good thing i had a long, fun, sleep-filled break... because tomorrow is the beginning of a jam-packed-no-sleep-lots-of-work-at-home-and-at-school-all-the-time couple of months.

i gotta start reading my bible more: i'm gonna need it.
i'm out like a light.

PS. i've been thinking... i haven't been on a date since this summer. i haven't been on a date with someone other than a pervert or a stalker since way before that. i haven't really dated in 2 years and some months. and i've decided... i really want to go on a date!
... or at least have a date to emily's wedding.
something.

i'm bored and i can't sleep.

2008-01-11T00:10:00.000-06:00

we had a thunderstorm today. i love thunderstorms. i spent my afternoon lying on the couch at the Beacon finishing my current read (the Oath by Frank Peretti).

then, on my way home i had to stop at the grocery store to get some milk, so i went to the new Robert's Market (pronounced RoBEARs...silly french...) up the street; and lo and behold while i was in St. Louis they opened a brand new Goodwill, mere BLOCKS away from my house. I LOVE GOODWILL, and i have yet to find one close by since i moved here. Now i DEFINITELY know this is where God wants me: a Starbucks a few blocks in one direction and a Goodwill a few blocks the other direction. Hallelujah.

i've felt pretty good the last few days: i've started doing yoga in the evenings, eating healthier snacks, and drinking a lot more water during the day. plus i'm still goin' strong with quitting smoking. it's been hard, though... sometimes i feel like i don't even want to quit-- but i know i need to. i wish the cravings would just completely go away-- that'd make it way easier, lol.
ya know what else would make it easier?? if my face would clear up. i came to the conclusion that smoking is what was causing my acne... but i haven't smoked in a little over a week, and it's not looking any better. needless to say, that stifles my motivation a bit. not to mention now i'm just stumped, and trying to figure out why the heck my skin won't quit being ridiculous.
it's whatever.

ya know what else won't quit being ridiculous? my subconscious. ever since i've moved to NOLA i've had crazy-weird dreams. (interestingly, i didn't have any overly strange dreams while i was back in St. Louis, tho.) I keep having very vivid, detail-oriented dreams about all kinds of crazy stuff... selling alligators on the black market with Chelsea, living in a hut that was actually a college dorm, having a baby and my brother getting mad & trying to kill her, not to mention endless dreams about doing all kinds of drugs and/or getting back together with exboyfriends.
i swear, if Alex shows up in one more dream i'm going to scream... i never dreamed about him when we were dating, and we've been broken up for more than 2 years now. I don't have any feelings left for him, bad or good, and he's not even remotely a part of my life, but when i have these dreams i end up thinking about him off and on through the whole following day, and, frankly, i don't like it. When the dreams first started i thought, well, maybe i'm supposed to talk to him-- witness to him, even! But i don't have any of his newer contact information, and apparently he's blocked me on facebook (whatever that's supposed to mean...). So i nixed that idea. Then i thought, ok, so maybe i'm just supposed to pray for him... so i do. Whenever i have a dream about him i say a short prayer for him the next day. But i mean, SERIOUSLY... if God wants me to pray for him, is there any other way he could tell me? Because, honestly, dreams about us getting back together only freak me out. a lot.

well anyway... i guess i should try to sleep.
i hope my subconscious takes the night off tonight.

whoa.

2008-01-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

i think i just created the most emotional piece of artwork ever. and it looks pretty amazing if i do say so myself.
i'm going to have to let Pauly know that i put literally EVERY emotion into his painting. thanks to the thought processes and emotional ups and downs i experienced during the making, i think this painting inhabits more emotional and artistic expression than all of my previous works combined. It's amazing what happens when you release every ounce of overwhelming frustration and sadness that has built up over three weeks.

new song this sunday!

2008-01-04T09:12:00.000-06:00

Create Again
By Aaron Shust

VERSE 1:

Separated from night

You spoke and then there was light

They point to You.

Divided water from land

Bowing to Your command

They point to You.

VERSE 2:

The sun that’s blazing at noon

And every phase of the moon

They point to You.

A baby’s cry and the way

A sunset closes the day

They point to You.

BRIDGE 1:

For You’re the only One worth praising

More radiant than earth and sky

And everyday that I survey Your creation

I see why, I see why.

CHORUS:

God of everything I see,

Come create again in me

You were yesterday

You will always be

So take each breath that I breathe

And be the life that I bleed

Create again in me

VERSE 3:

(this is my favorite verse)

The storm that’s raging at sea

Little child on her knees

They point to You.

Your grace that’s poured out on me

The sacrifice on a tree

They point to You.

BRIDGE 2:

Your Word vaults across the sky

From sunrise to sunset

Melting the ice, scorching the desert

Warm our hearts to faith

Warm out hearts to faith

i don't do new years' resolutions.

2008-01-02T00:27:00.000-06:00

The fact of the matter is, everyday i am new in Christ-- just because it's a new year doesn't make a whole lot of difference. Truth be told, though, it does encourage thoughts of change, growth, and new beginnings.

that being said, i have a goal for myself: an oldie but a goody, i guess...

i have to quit smoking. i didn't want to start again anyway-- lack of self control, however, caused me to slide back down the slippery slope of nicotine addiction. Other than the obvious reasons (health risks and such), i have a few others...

1. the number one reason in the forefront of my mind: it's preventing me from having a relationship. granted, there are many other things too, but i started thinking about it: i don't want to date a smoker, so i can't expect a non-smoker to be interested in me if i'm still smoking. the particular individual i have in mind has never voiced an opinion of my habit (or of ME for that matter...), so i don't know where he stands-- but i figure it can't hurt to get rid of an unattractive attribute, right??

2. i have children. no, they're not mine, but they do idolize me and look to me for guidance. They don't know i smoke, but that's beside the point: i don't want to do anything that i wouldn't want them to do. (did that make sense?) plus, i think my sisters know i'm smoking again, and they don't need their older sister being a bad influence.

3. it's gross. 90% of the time when i'm smoking i'm disgusted with myself. But like all of my other previous addictions, it's just gotten to a point that i do it because i "need" to-- because it's just part of the routine, part of what i do.

bottom line: i'm going to quit smoking. *cringe* it's not going to be easy. it wasn't the first time. but it has to be done. i've decided i'm going to put post-its up (in my car, room, etc) with my top 3 reasons, try to start running again (that helped tremendously the last time), and hope that all of my friends will do what they can to encourage me.

i'm really torn about going back to New Orleans. I mean... it's home to me now, there's no doubt about that. but my heart is tied to a few things here in St. Louis, and i recollect these ties when i come back to visit.
not to mention, i'm less than excited about classes starting on the 14th. i'm only in 1 studio art class this semester, and those are the classes that keep me sane. let's see what's on the menu for spring... intermediate painting, art history I, english: Brit. Lit 1, and intro to computer science (blech.)
Painting: yay.
Art History: hard, but i love it.
English: tedious-- pretty sure i took the equivalent of this class in high school.
Comp Sci: i probably know enough to test out of this class... but that's not an option.
whatever. i gotta quit worrying about 2 weeks from now when i don't even know what's in store tomorrow.

tomorrow... dentist, yearly checkup with my pcp, and taking Peanut to the vet. all fun things.

love new chucks :)

uhh... merry christmas... and stuff.

2007-12-25T16:04:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day i've been able to just lay around. i was awoken at 9 to open presents... but soon after, and a few cinnamon rolls later, i decided to take a nap. for like 3 hours. it was GLORIOUS. i was all snuggled up in the blanket Carin and Michael gave me, and i just totally crashed. Now i'm wondering where the day has gone... but alas, i do not care.

although i am a bit perturbed... by a few things.
1. Certain people in our church being ridiculous to the point that i want to slap him/her and ask him/her what their problem is exactly. i cannot expand on this without getting angry... so i won't.

2. found out today that this girl i go to church with back in New Orleans is engaged. Exciting, right? yeah, except she's 2 years younger than me, engaged to a guy that's 3 years older than me... i don't know i just think it's kind of ridiculous. Not that there's a big age gap-- i could care less about that-- i just mean that someone as young as she shouldn't be getting married. I mean, she's barely into college... what the heck.

3. I can't stand my family... i mean... Sami's become a royal witch (for lack of a better word), Lizzie's loud and obnoxious (ok, so nothing changed there), and my dad is totally self centered (again, no change...) I feel so bad for my mom. Not to say that she's the perfect wife and mother and never does anything wrong, but the truth is... i don't think she's happy with her life and that makes me sad. I wish my sisters would just listen to her and obey, and my dad would quit being a jerk (again, for lack of a better word) and actually do something good for our family. But i suppose i'm being critical.

anyway. i hate to break it to my st. louis friends, but i really just want to go back to New Orleans, because it really feels more like home than St. Louis does. I mean, i totally miss some of my St. Louis friends and my family (sometimes) when i'm in New Orleans, but being in St. Louis just doesn't even feel right anymore.

right. well. i gotta go have christmas dinner. wOOt.

I miss you, Flasch-Dance

2007-12-17T00:14:00.000-06:00

(L-R, Karen Flaschar, daughter Katie , and son Daniel)

51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵²in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
⁵⁵ "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I received a text message saturday evening, just as I was walking out the door to go to the Beacon of Hope Christmas party. I opened it thinking it was Merri Kay, telling me to hurry up. Unfortunately, it was not Merri Kay. It was Drew Schmidt, a friend from high school, letting me know that Flasch (Karen Flaschar, our high school choir director and all around at-school "mom") died; apparently she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck. Needless to say i felt... i can't really explain. i don't know if i actually felt. i still haven't let myself cry. it's not real yet. i just have this... unexplainable funk. a fog that won't seem to leave, but isn't really serving any more of a purpose other than delaying the grieving process.
i know it seems i shouldn't be this distraught, this... odd feeling over a teacher that i haven't seen in a few years: but i am. The truth is, she was way more than a teacher. She encouraged me to grow in every aspect of the word... she provided the "safe haven" of her office before, during, and after school hours, whether it be to sit and talk or take a nap during study hall when i obviously had other things i was supposed to be doing... she put in more hours than any teacher i know, and always had the time and love (whether she felt like it or not) to stay to help you work on a solo/ensemble piece, or to get down that one part of a song that you were too embarrassed to ask about in class, and not forgetting, of course, her work in the school musicals.
I cannot say enough about who she is and what she did...

i don't know what to feel. rather... i know what i feel but i'm not feeling it... does that make sense?? i'm just... numb. it's all going to come crashing down on me when i get to her visitation wednesday evening. Lucy and I have been talking about it the last two days, and we both feel the same: for some strange reason we're scared- anxious- like something isn't right. Which, Flasch being dead ISN'T right. It goes against everything we've ever known. it's all just so weird.
speaking of weird... friday, the day before i knew anything about Flasch's death, i thought about emailing her. I was listening to a song from the musical "Wicked" -- the one tara and I sang at the talent show our senior year-- and i thought about all the time and help from Flasch, and i thought, i should definitely email her! tell her where i'm at, see how she's doing... and then...

it's just too much.

but i try to keep in mind that she's with Jesus; it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I guess God thought she had done enough here on earth, and he needed a new director for the heavenly choirs. Who would've thought, though, the very thing i've been talking to my kids about i would need to remind myself: God has a plan-- even though we don't always understand it, it is perfect.

as much as i'm not looking forward to the brutality of St. Louis weather, I am excited to go back for a longer, more relaxed visit... as long as i can get through this funeral. i miss my mom, i need hugs from my best friends, and i need some good snuggles from my kitter.

... and now i'm watching The Bourne Identity... because my friend Jane got me the entire Jason Bourne Collection in a super-cool box set. If anybody wants to have a marathon while i'm home, i am TOTALLY game: you better believe Jason's comin' back to St. Louis with me ;)

sense-lacking-fragmented-brain-fries

2007-12-12T23:06:00.000-06:00

i never blog. sorry for those of you who actually check (carin).

i think i would blog more if i could just draw pictures. by the end of the day, i just don't have the words left.

December Harrison Ave. Marketplace was tonight. it went really well... my volunteers have overrun my kids corner booth, and i seriously did nothing during the event. Granted i spent most of the afternoon setting up, but didn't have to stay and paint faces or make ornaments or deal with spoiled children who want their entire body painted and want to make 75 zillion ornaments. anyway. i walked around with merri kay, bought some christmas presents, and enjoyed some eats and drinks. it was actually really nice-- not nearly as stressful as past Marketplaces.

i got all A's this semester. i'm pretty stoked, i won't lie. my drawing teacher said i have a lot of talent and she really enjoys my work, my painting teacher said the same thing in addition to telling me that two of my paintings were the best in the class (and that he expected to see me and my work in advanced painting classes), myenglish teacher told me i didn't even need to take his class because i was obviously already beyond the curriculum (but UNO required me to take it), and my women's studies teacher said she really liked my writing and artwork on our last group project. I mean, i impressed everybody this semester... and to think i was worried about my grades.

well... i was going to include pictures of my artwork, but i keep clicking on the "add image" button and nothing is happening. good. great. wonderous. whatever. nobody actually cares.

what other worthless information can i pass on...
oh, let's talk about the fact that my face looks like a warzone. talk about acne... i mean, i've always had acne. but it's suddenly gone out of control. like, painfully out of control-- and i don't just mean emotionally. i keep getting these clusters of acne on my jawline and it HURTS really bad. i hate it. i want to rip my skin off. there are some mornings i don't even want to get out of bed. as much as i want to meet a guy, i don't even look because my skin is horrible and nobody wants to look at that.
i mean, i've gotten over the fact that i've gained 35 pounds since i've moved here: whatever. i'm going to start going to a pilates studio down the street when i get back from my St. Louis furlough. but i'm not going to diet, i'll tell ya that right now. dieting is for the birds. there's too much freakin' delicious food here to diet.
but my FACE! MY FACE IS DAMAGING MY SOUL. Merri Kay says she doesn't even notice it... i say hello? do you have EYES? i mean... maybe it's not as bad as i think it is... but it is bad. what can i do?? i know i should drink more water, that's one thing. but i'm taking a skin and hair vitamin, i wash my face twice a day, and i use a good skin care system. i mean... what the heck??
does smoking cause acne?
maybe i should quit smoking. again.
but i'm not up for that. again.

i thought about cutting myself the other night. for no particular reason. i thought, i should try it... just once... see what it feels like now. yeah, wow. haven't had a thought like that in years. YEARS. satan is attacking me so bad in so many ways. all of my former addictions are haunting me. satan, you're a punk! don't you know jesus lives in this heart? GET. OUT.

my love for the band Cursive has totally been revived.

i'm reading Prophet by Frank Peretti.

i have the biggest stash of chocolate i've ever had. and i keep forgetting about it.

i don't really want to stay in St. Louis for almost 3 weeks.

my mom told me somehow she might have 1700 dollars for my spring tuition, but wouldn't tell me how or where it came from. that's bothersome.

i love new orleans so much. i'm so glad God brought me here. He totally knows what He's doing... thank goodness, because i sure as heck don't.

i miss theses peoples...

2007-10-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

The Lord has blessed me fully, I cannot bid complaint
for He has given me all I need, and then more than I can say

a place to live, a bed in which to sleep,
the Spirit to guide my every step,
and friends who love and care for me.

He created us with hearts for love,
and to love like Him I strive

To praise Him with my every day

as long as I am alive.

Thank you God for your mercies grace,

for everything you've done:

for every time I trip and fall

and you're there to mend my wounds

for teaching me and guiding me

for providing for my every needs

and giving me the strength to see

who I am in You.

The Lord is good and His mercies will not fail us... they are new each day...

2007-08-24T15:08:00.001-05:00

Half of my tuition was due today. If i didn't get it in today, my classes would be dropped.

As of this time yesterday I had made as many phone calls, sent as many emails, and tried every possible thing i could in order to get that money. By 7pm last night I completely laid myself before God and said, "Look-- you brought me here. If school is not where i'm supposed to be spending my time, then so be it! I'm here because of you, Lord. Provide and guide where you see fit." After that, i had a peace... that the Lord was going to do what was right for my life-- whether that meant a financial miracle, or taking a semester off.
I woke up early this morning even though i didn't have classes, made some coffee, and sat in the office wondering what God was going to do. It was really cool because i felt completely in the middle of his will... i had no idea whether i would still be enrolled by the end of today, or if i would be calling the Beacon's executive director about needing a full-time job. Even though I was consumed by this huge unknown, in my complete and total vulnerability, i knew God was at work. It is so awesome to feel God's work... i cannot even explain it.
I got a phone call from my mom this morning, asking if anything had worked out yet. After i told her no, she informed me that someone from KRCC offered to loan me the money i need until my student loan comes in. PRAISE JESUS. Seriously all i could say was thank you... God is so good. He continually reminds me to trust him even to the last minute, that he will not fail me; He reminds me that in my insecurities and fear he is my strength.

"Job said to the Lord: I know you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:1-2

i'm scared.

2007-08-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

i have to keep reminding myself that with God on my side, no one or thing can be against me.

i have to keep reminding myself that God isn't going to say, "alright, i got you here... just chill i'll be back later."

i have to keep asking God to pull me out of this lonesome funk. I have friends here... i'm about to have more once school starts... but i'm so nervous about school.

i keep thinking maybe i shouldn't be at U.N.O. this semester... but then i remember that God wouldn't have opened the door if it wasn't supposed to be... right? i guess we'll find out when He provides (or doesn't provide) tuition...

i've never lived completely alone, and i get kinda scared at night. i can't wait for the next volunteer group to get here.

i'm so thankful that the Lord has put Brandy in my life. She says things to me that Carin would say... and that's a good thing. Even thought we just met, i feel like i can be honest with her and i know she'll call me out if necessary. She's like Carin, Pam, and Kim all put together. What a fun combo.

i went to church last night instead of this morning... most of the young adults go to the saturday night service, so Brandy and i went (since she already knows a lot of the group at Celebration, even though she doesn't go there). After the service i hooked up with Tony and Lindsay, the 20-something minister and his wife. Lindsay and I swapped stories (briefly) and she was really excited that i had decided to come back to Celebration and told me she'd be in touch b/c the girls were getting ready to have a "night in"... i think i've found a good group here. it's awesome being at a church that has a ministry group for people my age... no offense to KRCC... i guess you can't really have a 20-something ministry if there's not enough 20-somethings in the congregation. So yeah... i think i've found my church here-- which is exciting!
Exciting... right... as soon as i get out of this funk i'll be able to appreciate the excitement a little more, lol. i think i'm just PMSing. let's hope so anyway.

The best thing i've heard this week so far?? It rarely gets colder than the 40's here. SCORE.
Something else that's awesome: Pensacola, Florida is only 2.5-3 hours away from here. hmmm...

for some reason i have a strong desire to start smoking again...i'm about to have a nic-fit.
grrrr... get out of here, random cravings!

art makes me

...

Thoughts from the hallways.

Force Like This

"Let Go and Let God"

this love

So... i'm writing a book.

because sometimes songs say it best...

twenty-somethingness

amy winehouse speaks my mind...

HOW. FREAKIN. SWEET.

it never stops...

how i almost burnt my grandparents' house down

so i suck at blogging...

this semester sucks.

seriously

more than once upon a time

let's cut to the chase:

what does it mean to abide?

"This Is Not"

sorry.

Evacua/Vaca - tion

YAY!

my "novel" revelation ... *rolls eyes*

Life's a Beach...with my mom & sisters in Biloxi.

oh, right...

i am a wreck.

i'm moving! ...again!

Violet Hill, by Coldplay

well, crap...

transition is getting... better?

this is what i'm calling "P.P.S.D." -- Post Project Stress Disorder.

i have failed you,

p'sha.

an artist's confessional

i'm a mess

my first critique

untitled

blech.

...the coffee diet?

yeah, and here's the best part...

Playground by Sia

from Manfred by Lord Byron

my two cents...

"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

i. need. a. break. NOW.

from past pages of my prayer journal

a list for my troubles, a penny for my thoughts

"Louie Louie, oh no me gotta go, Aye-yi-yi-yi!"

i'm bored and i can't sleep.

whoa.

new song this sunday!

i don't do new years' resolutions.

uhh... merry christmas... and stuff.

I miss you, Flasch-Dance

sense-lacking-fragmented-brain-fries

i miss theses peoples...

The Lord is good and His mercies will not fail us... they are new each day...

i'm scared.

my "novel" revelation ... rolls eyes