"This Is Not"

by the Benjamin Gate

I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy

oh oh
This is not what I need to be
oh oh
This is not what you mean to me

I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery

I tried to be so perfect

sorry.

it's not enough;
it will never be enough.

it's too much;
always too much.

not right;
never right.

wrong, so wrong;
always wrong.

never ever good enough;
never ever strong enough.

Everything i want is wrong.
my heart, mind, and soul can't reach an agreement.
The Id always wins;
damn you, Freud, and your ridiculous psychobabble.
damn you, primitive body, and your animalistic, self-destructive desires.
It's all so shoddy, dark, and empty;
why do i so long for its hollow gratification?

it makes absolutely no
________ sense.

Evacua/Vaca - tion

So i've been in St. Louis for almost a week... had to evacuate New Orleans b/c of Gustav. Yeah, good times. Lemme just fill you in on how that whole deal went down...
Michael (friend from UNO) and I left NOLA friday afternoon. We made it about 2 hours away, to Macomb, Mississippi where i got a flat tire. Had to pull over to the side of the highway and freak out a bit b/c i've never gotten a flat tire before... Michael changed to my spare (which was just about as flat as the regular tire) and we drove into town. Macomb, MS = bumpkinville USA. I am SO glad it was still daylight when we had to get the flat, b/c this small little town looked like a horror flick waiting to happen. We pull into Tire City, where they sell new and used tires. Thank God. I was able to replace both rear tires for 77 bucks. That's pretty awesome. They were used tires, but good. Ok, so we get the tires replaced (it's only like 400 degrees outside, btw), and then drive down the street to fill up the tank. Within the block we drove the tire went flat again. wtf. so we drive BACK to the tire place, and they found a tiny itty bitty pin hole... so they patched it and all is well. (aside from me freaking out, nervous as hell that something else is going to go wrong.)
sooooo we drive. drive drive drive drive. lots of driving. The nice thing is, we drove with the windows down and saved a ton of gas by not using the AC. In fact, we only stopped one other time on the way to STL. hollerrrr. We got into town at 1:30 am... thankfully, in a few collective pieces.
Saturday was fun... Michael and I walked to downtown Kirkwood to go to the winery, alendale microbrewery, farmers market, kaldi's... just walked around. it was great. until we started walking home and michael was getting on my LAST nerve. Now, people who know me well know that i generally don't display my aggravation directly toward people. I guess it's because i was really stressed by having to evacuate, still not sure what Gustav was going to do to New Orleans, and overwhelmed by what happened the day before... a combination of everything... Michael just kept bugging me, and i flipped the EFF out on Kirkwood Road. By the time we got home I closed myself up in my room for a few hours to cool off. But, unfortunately, i just kept being snippy at him all weekend. I tried not to-- really--he was just so irritating. but i digress...
During my visit here in St. Louis i saw my girls that I hung out with my first year of college (Maggie, my old roommate; Molly, and Melissa) It was awesome. Then i saw some friends who were in town from Atlanta, and THEN i got to drive to Lawrence to see my bff Lucy... on the way i got to drive through Columbia and see Kaitlin-- my friend from the New York trip this summer. AHHHH! It was so incredible. seeing all these people i LOVE. YAAAAY!
...and now Gustav is mauling St. Louis. It's been uber-rainy and windy all day. and chilly. good times, really. it's kinda enjoyable. (i've been wanting a cool, rainy fall day for a while-- and we all know fall doesn't start in New Orleans for at least a few more months.) I went to see both of my sisters at school today...took coffee to Lizz and then drove over to Sami's school to have lunch. it was fun. Then michael and I went to the Loop. YAY! I got a few CD's at Vintage Vinyl (Jamiroquai-- Traveling Without Moving, and the Duhks-- fast paced world), browsed at Rag-O-Rama, and got an ash tray for my friend at the Phoenix (it has a picture of Jesus and says "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke." i thought it was hilarious.) Then we got a cup of coffee and drove around so i could show him where I used to work and go to school and stuff... good times.

So yeah. it's been fun. we're supposed to drive back tomorrow, but i'm thinking about calling my boss and seeing if i can drive back later in the weekend since Michael can't get back into his apartment until Sunday evening. Because honestly-- i do NOT want him living in the same house as me anymore. lol. mean but true. we could never be married. i'd kill him. he's such a good friend though... i keep apologizing to him for being a bitch, and he's like "don't worry about it. i'm annoying. i understand." and he doesn't hold it against me. what a good guy.

can't wait to move in with my friends. especially after seeing Lucy's place in Lawrence... it's gotten me even more excited about decorating my room and living with people my age. Bill (the boys' dad) said he thinks he found someone to replace me and i should be able to move out by mid-september. that's soon. yay!!
so i've found myself saying "baller" a lot. and i think it's hilarious. i crack myself up. i'll be like 'that is so baller.' and then giggle in my head. enjoying life is fun.

YAY!

I had a truly amazing day today... PRAISE. THE. LORD. i've been stuck in a rut, in case you haven't noticed. life has been so blah and frustrating... but today was so good.
I took the kids to their family's boat-house on the bayou so they could play with their younger cousin and i could relax with their aunt and older cousin. It was so great. just hangin' out, watching Law & Order, lettin' the day go by.
Then i took them home to get ready for their grandma to take them to mass... after they left i got ready to go to Pivot. (for those who don't know, Pivot is a young adult group that meets one sunday a month for, essentially, a church service. they also have small groups that meet during the week and random events, etc...)
I cannot express just how incredibly elated i was to be able to go. I could feel my spirit revived the moment i pulled into the parking lot. As soon as i walked in i saw people i haven't seen since May-- and it was great. There were tons of hugs (YAAAAAY!), excited conversations, and i got to meet new people. The Lord totally blessed me today. I have been craving-- aching--DYING for a sense of community, for physical affection, to have people to interact with... it was so great. SO GREAT. I honestly cannot even express into words just how i feel right now-- the happiest i've been in weeks.
My friends were all really excited about my job-change, too. They are SO looking forward to me being at Pivot more and being able to get involved with small groups and go on trips and stuff. I was so excited i even signed up to go canoing at the end of August.

update on the job front: nothing yet. lol. but, two job-opps came my way today... Brandi told me that her mom is friends with her manager at Curves, and would put a word in for me. They are looking for someone to work a few evening shifts. It wouldn't pay the bills, but it would definitely supplement my income. then my other friend, Bekah, told me that the restaurant she works at, Olive Branch, is opening a new location in mid-city at the end of the month. She, too, is good friends with her manager, and gave me her number to call about a job. SO... i'm hoping between the two of these, maybe something will happen-- a ball will start rolling.

on the unfortunate side... the family hasn't found anyone to replace me yet. It's ok, i told them September, so they still have time... i just hope they find someone soon so we can start transitioning the boys.
Speaking of the boys... i'm so worried about how they are going to take this. They still don't know. But i know that they are going to feel so... freaked out. totally upset. and i know i can't do anything but pray about it. I just keep praying that God will smooth it over- make them calm about it- help them to realize that they are not losing me... because i'll definitely be around, just not every day 24/7. On top of everything, the 1-year anniversary of their mother's death is this friday. Again, another situation that i don't even know how to deal with. They haven't said anything about it... but i know they know. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. lots. lots lots.

my "novel" revelation ... *rolls eyes*

so i'm madly obsessed with the Twilight series. i tried to avoid it-- actively avoided reading the novels like the plague, and wouldn't even allow myself to swoon over Robert Pattinson (the amazingly beautiful guy who is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming movie). alas, however, my friend told me to suck it up and at least read the first book. so i did. and i've been hooked since. i just started the third book, Eclipse, and it is almost disturbing to me how genuinely engrossed i am in this series.
it's not just "oh, this is a great book, i can't wait to see what happens." it's more like "i want to be in this book. i want this to be my life. i love edward." i know, i know, you're rolling your eyes, because EVERYBODY and their MOTHER is gabbing on and on about how they are in love with Edward Cullen. But tonight (while i was bordering having an anxiety attack for no known reason,) i realized WHY i love Edward Cullen, and why i am so strongly consumed by these books:

1. i am deprived of physical affection. (and anyone who knows me any kind of well knows that I NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION.) And in the Twilight books, Bella is always receiving affection. Even in the second book, when Edward is gone (sorry, spoiler), Jacob gives her affection in a platonic way.
2. i want-- SO BADLY-- for someone to love me the way that Edward loves Bella. I mean... he doesn't just LOVE her, his whole life centers around her well being. Yes, he hurts her-- it's impossible to have a love relationship without some emotional pain-- but he is always there to keep her safe, to hold her, and love her. hello, what woman DOESN'T want that?? lol

right. so i sound like every other girl in the world...and incredibly cheesy and worthy of many eye-rolls and laughs, i'm sure, but it's true.

Life's a Beach...with my mom & sisters in Biloxi.

oh, right...

this morning i was at the chiropractor's office, laying on the massage table, reading Battlefield of the Mind. i stumbled across a page i had folded over while i was in New York, and started to read it again. and once again, God slammed me on my ass and told me to get my priorities straight.

____________________________________________________________________

Trust God, Not Human Reason

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion. I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, "Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused." I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.

The human mind likes logic and order and reason. It likes to deal with what it understands. Therefore, we have a tendency to put things into neat little bins in the compartments of our mind, thinking, "This must be the way it is because it fits so nicely here." We can find something our minds are comfortable with and still be totally wrong.

...I don't know about you, but I want God to reveal things to me in such a way that i KNOW in my spirit that what has been revealed to my mind is correct. I don't want to reason, to figure and to be logical, rotating my mind around and around an issue until I am worn out and confused. I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.

...I realize now that I felt more secure if I had things figured out. I did not want any loose ends in my life. I wanted to be in control--and when I did not understand things, I felt out of control--frightened. But I was lacking something. I had no peace of mind and was physically worn out. . . Reasoning is not the normal condition in which God wants our mind to reside.
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close book. put it down.
"shit. i forgot. i always forget. i'm sorry."