Violet Hill, by Coldplay

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze
Down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Bury me in honor
When I'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

...i can't stop listening to this song.
i love it so much.
actually, their whole new CD, Viva la Vida, is REALLY good.
it's just so beautiful.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning for no particular reason.
i really wanted it to be a cold, foggy day...
maybe it's because i've been watching a British sit-com.

well, crap...

i've done it this time... a few nights ago i threw my lower back out-- to the point that i couldn't even get up. my mom had to help me roll out of bed and crawl to the living room so i could be in a more convenient part of the house. She and my sisters left for Arizona tuesday morning, so the boys and their family have been gracious in helping me through this. i've been to the chiropractor twice now and had therapy-- and now i'm at least able to get up and move around on my own. But i'm still in a lot of pain. Honestly, i think it's God's way of telling me to slow down and take some time to just BE... that and i went from walking miles a day (in New York) to not walking at all-- and apparently that's not so good for me, lol. so yeah... OW. on the plus side, one of the boys' aunts gave me some muscle relaxers. PTL.

on another note... this kids are driving me f-ing crazy. i haven't even been their primary caretaker the last week, and i still can't even tolerate them. ok, so that's a lie... Mitchell (the younger one) doesn't bother me at all... but Will is driving me up the wall. he doesn't listen, he is completely inconsiderate of everyone around him, selfish, and is constantly trying to control everything-- including his younger brother. I don't want to have this job anymore... but even if i quit it's going to be like 3 months before i get out. God's going to have to change my heart more than ever.

On the upside, being down and out with less than regular mobility has allowed me to think through the whole New York trip... and i've finally been able to grab onto a few concrete ideas in the sea of everything i experienced... I learned that God has the ability to meet all of my emotional needs just as much as my physical needs. I've seen him provide in abundance when it comes to money, a job, a place to live, etc... but this summer he showed me that he can meet my emotional needs too-- like having guy friends, having close girl friends, and being able to supply my every day life with enough holy spirit to get me through. The truth is, i learned that i need Him everyday-- which is a DUH things, but project really helped bring that to light. Every day i would pray in the morning that i would not only remember my need for Him, but that I would be filled with the holy spirit... and i really felt a difference in my life. When i was getting frustrated with people or situations, or just needing a cigarette, i would pray that god would fill that need, fill that frustration with the holy spirit-- and change my heart in a way that only He can... and it was awesome to see him transform my heart and attitude within a matter of minutes. GAH! he's so awesome.

On a spiritual level, i find myself already creeping back into my apathy. I think part of it is i'm back in the "same old" location, so i just fell back into old patterns, but i really want to be more active in my relationship with God. It was awesome to be so consistent with my quiet times -- even though they were never "scheduled," i always spent time in the word everyday, and i loved that. I'm hoping that once i get myself back in a groove here, prayer and readingi'll pick that back up. No, i'm not hoping-- it IS going to happen. I would really love to start being more conscious about engaging in spiritual conversation. For me it's always been "taboo," but project tought me that with enough effort, it can become less of a "touchy" subject... i think i'm more comfortable now than ever before with using soularium, and it's my hope that i'll more actively use it on campus...or anywhere, really.
i'm really looking forward to Stephen being down here too... with his help, and one of our staffers down here, i'm hoping to get some kind of arts ministry rolling... something like project, but long term. There's a girl on staff here that is by no means an artist (she even says so herself,) but she's very supportive of art ministries, and would probably love to help with logistical sides of the ministry, which is awesome.

...right. well. i need to try to get up and walk around a little bit so my back doesn't get super-stiff again. more to come.

transition is getting... better?

i still find my mind wandering back to new york... everything reminds me of everyone i miss. and i find myself physically wandering around, not sure where i'm supposed to be. i guess i'll get over this eventually. but right now, disoriented is the best word to explain my state of being.

so, everyone on project knows this, but the few others who read my blog don't yet... i want to quit my job. after spending 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people in my age group, i realized i'm totally lacking that in my daily life-- which isn't good. I realize it even more now, coming home from project, that i don't really have a lot of friends here. The few i have are amazing-- don't get me wrong-- but i just really want to have a community of people here that i can hang out with and get to know and love. more than just 4 or 5. and i realized that one of the biggest inhibitors of this peer-community situation is my job. spending 2 weeks straight with a 7 and 11 year old is not conducive to my 21 year old soul. i need to be 21. not a 42 year old mom with 2 kids. i'm not there yet-- i'm sick of playing that role.
but then Mother Logic (literally, my mother) fights back with:
*you're not going to find a job that pays this well (true-- but i'm not even making a fair wage for what i'm doing for this job)
*you're not paying for rent or your own groceries right now-- don't you REALIZE how much that costs? (no, really?)
*you need to reevaluate your role to this family, and think about why God put you here. (...because i hadn't even considered that...?)

...i mean, really, does my mom think i'm retarded and i haven't thought of those things?? i'm not completely naive. my question, though, is-- how do other college students manage to work, go to school, have a healthy social life, and still pay their rent and utilities? i'm pretty sure it's possible... anyway. i don't know what to do about this right now. and thinking about it just stresses me out. so. yeah. prayer-- lots of it.

anyway... thought i'd share the two major art pieces i worked on while i was in New York (there were 5 total, but these were the two "assignments"). the whole theme of the exhibit was "reHumanize"... essentially, we were focusing on what it means to be human, what God intended humanity to look like, how we've become dehumanized and how to fix it, etc...

#1: "Looking for Love" mirror, acrylic paint, plaster cast

this is my first piece in response to the theme. I wanted to zoom in on the aspect of physical touch-- i think it is a vital piece of being human, and is an important love language. however, society has warped it in such a way that negative touch is over used, and positive touch is lacking. this piece is intended to draw in the viewer, but as they lean over to look down at this girl who is reaching up, they are forced to look at themselves... however, it is an obstructed view of themselves, because from certain angles the viewer will see the girl blocking their reflection. in short 1. We are the same as those we look down upon, and 2. we're all longing for connection.


#2: "Undone," a collaboration piece by myself and Brian Dang. Acrylic on unstretched canvas. (9'x5')
Obviously, i live in New Orleans, and Brian has done a lot of volunteer relief work. We both agreed that the rebuilding of New Orleans has been a great example of rehumanizing-- not only the citizens of New Orleans, but the millions of volunteers who have helped, as well as people all over the nation and the world watching it happen. We tried to capture the drastic difference between the physical destruction of the storm and the emotional (and physical) renewal that has taken place since Katrina. We left it somewhat gestural and "unfinished," however, to reiterate the fact that the restoration of New Orleans is still a work in progress.

so yeah... those were the two pieces i had in the show. i only kept the hand part of the first piece, and the mural is rolled up in a box in the living room waiting to find a home somewhere in a New Orleans gallery, hopefully... eventually.

...eventually.

this is what i'm calling "P.P.S.D." -- Post Project Stress Disorder.

well, project is over and i feel... lost.
i mean, i just spent 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people who i've come to love, spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with them... it just doesn't feel right. i feel so lonely. it's nice to have down time to sleep and just do nothing, but...
i'm not only an emotional wreck, but i physically feel awful. I started a full-body cleansing program yesterday because i think the funk of the city, lack of sleep, excess stress, and emotional exhaustion has just put my body through the wringer.
it feels like someone removed my brain, shook it up, and put it in backwards... then completely sucked the life out of my heart. so basically it feels like someone just broke up with me... but instead of just one person it's like 40 people.
i know it'll get better-- after a couple more days of excessive sleeping and mentally debriefing... but... right now i really hate it.
even worse, the people i felt were going to be the most supportive of my job-changing decisions haven't voiced anything more than doubt. so i've decided not to have any deep, important conversations for a few days.
i can't think any more right now... more to come later.