Thursday, September 18, 2008

what does it mean to abide?


((John 15: 1-11))

a·bide
[uh-bahyd] a·bode or a·bid·ed, a·bid·ing.
–verb (used without object) ((it's an action))
1.to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.
2.to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.
3.to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; to last.
–verb (used with object)
4.to put up with; tolerate; stand: I can't abide dishonesty!
5.to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting: to abide a vigorous onslaught.
6.to wait for; await: to abide the coming of the Lord.
7.to accept without opposition or question: to abide the verdict of the judges.
8.to pay the price or penalty of; suffer for.
9.abide by,
a.to act in accord with.
b.to submit to; agree to: to abide by the court's decision.
c.to remain steadfast or faithful to; keep: If you make a promise, abide by it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"This Is Not"

by the Benjamin Gate


I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy

oh oh
This is not what I need to be
oh oh
This is not what you mean to me

I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery

I tried to be so perfect

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

sorry.

it's not enough;
it will never be enough.

it's too much;
always too much.

not right;
never right.

wrong, so wrong;
always wrong.

never ever good enough;
never ever strong enough.

Everything i want is wrong.
my heart, mind, and soul can't reach an agreement.
The Id always wins;
damn you, Freud, and your ridiculous psychobabble.
damn you, primitive body, and your animalistic, self-destructive desires.
It's all so shoddy, dark, and empty;
why do i so long for its hollow gratification?

it makes absolutely no
________ sense.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Evacua/Vaca - tion

So i've been in St. Louis for almost a week... had to evacuate New Orleans b/c of Gustav. Yeah, good times. Lemme just fill you in on how that whole deal went down...
Michael (friend from UNO) and I left NOLA friday afternoon. We made it about 2 hours away, to Macomb, Mississippi where i got a flat tire. Had to pull over to the side of the highway and freak out a bit b/c i've never gotten a flat tire before... Michael changed to my spare (which was just about as flat as the regular tire) and we drove into town. Macomb, MS = bumpkinville USA. I am SO glad it was still daylight when we had to get the flat, b/c this small little town looked like a horror flick waiting to happen. We pull into Tire City, where they sell new and used tires. Thank God. I was able to replace both rear tires for 77 bucks. That's pretty awesome. They were used tires, but good. Ok, so we get the tires replaced (it's only like 400 degrees outside, btw), and then drive down the street to fill up the tank. Within the block we drove the tire went flat again. wtf. so we drive BACK to the tire place, and they found a tiny itty bitty pin hole... so they patched it and all is well. (aside from me freaking out, nervous as hell that something else is going to go wrong.)
sooooo we drive. drive drive drive drive. lots of driving. The nice thing is, we drove with the windows down and saved a ton of gas by not using the AC. In fact, we only stopped one other time on the way to STL. hollerrrr. We got into town at 1:30 am... thankfully, in a few collective pieces.
Saturday was fun... Michael and I walked to downtown Kirkwood to go to the winery, alendale microbrewery, farmers market, kaldi's... just walked around. it was great. until we started walking home and michael was getting on my LAST nerve. Now, people who know me well know that i generally don't display my aggravation directly toward people. I guess it's because i was really stressed by having to evacuate, still not sure what Gustav was going to do to New Orleans, and overwhelmed by what happened the day before... a combination of everything... Michael just kept bugging me, and i flipped the EFF out on Kirkwood Road. By the time we got home I closed myself up in my room for a few hours to cool off. But, unfortunately, i just kept being snippy at him all weekend. I tried not to-- really--he was just so irritating. but i digress...
During my visit here in St. Louis i saw my girls that I hung out with my first year of college (Maggie, my old roommate; Molly, and Melissa) It was awesome. Then i saw some friends who were in town from Atlanta, and THEN i got to drive to Lawrence to see my bff Lucy... on the way i got to drive through Columbia and see Kaitlin-- my friend from the New York trip this summer. AHHHH! It was so incredible. seeing all these people i LOVE. YAAAAY!
...and now Gustav is mauling St. Louis. It's been uber-rainy and windy all day. and chilly. good times, really. it's kinda enjoyable. (i've been wanting a cool, rainy fall day for a while-- and we all know fall doesn't start in New Orleans for at least a few more months.) I went to see both of my sisters at school today...took coffee to Lizz and then drove over to Sami's school to have lunch. it was fun. Then michael and I went to the Loop. YAY! I got a few CD's at Vintage Vinyl (Jamiroquai-- Traveling Without Moving, and the Duhks-- fast paced world), browsed at Rag-O-Rama, and got an ash tray for my friend at the Phoenix (it has a picture of Jesus and says "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke." i thought it was hilarious.) Then we got a cup of coffee and drove around so i could show him where I used to work and go to school and stuff... good times.

So yeah. it's been fun. we're supposed to drive back tomorrow, but i'm thinking about calling my boss and seeing if i can drive back later in the weekend since Michael can't get back into his apartment until Sunday evening. Because honestly-- i do NOT want him living in the same house as me anymore. lol. mean but true. we could never be married. i'd kill him. he's such a good friend though... i keep apologizing to him for being a bitch, and he's like "don't worry about it. i'm annoying. i understand." and he doesn't hold it against me. what a good guy.

can't wait to move in with my friends. especially after seeing Lucy's place in Lawrence... it's gotten me even more excited about decorating my room and living with people my age. Bill (the boys' dad) said he thinks he found someone to replace me and i should be able to move out by mid-september. that's soon. yay!!
so i've found myself saying "baller" a lot. and i think it's hilarious. i crack myself up. i'll be like 'that is so baller.' and then giggle in my head. enjoying life is fun.