i'm a mess

but it's ok.
i'm detached and despondent,
but tomorrow is a new day.
it's hard to see past this wall of pain,
but i know something better is on its way

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need

looking for something i'll never find,
a futile search
within my stubborn mind.
remind me again of who i am,
where i'm going,
and what's left behind.

i fear my failure will only get worse--
this is a play that i've yet to rehearse;
i stutter and stammer and butcher my lines
this tired, broken speech instead of beautiful verse...

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need.

my first critique

although i am frequently critiqued by fellow art students and professors, tonight was the first critique i've received from an unbiased third party . . .ok, so not totally unbiased-- it was written by a friend-- but it's still incredibly eloquent and insightful.

Self Portrait, September 2007; charcoal on paper

I absolutely love [this] piece. It has so much in common with the Mona Lisa. Bisect the image straight down the center and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The audience’s right side, the face’s left side, is slightly arched. Its eye is looking directly at the viewer, holding them in place with a stare that seems to follow. It’s a beauty carved out of absolutes.

To the untrained eye, its merely shading under the eye, but upon careful inspection, and in contrast to the face’s other half, its scar. Probably not intentional, but look at it again. The face’s left side (feminine in classical art) has the softer shading, denoting a delicate nature, but the scar shows the pain of being considered a “softer creature.” The scar/shadow cuts across the cheek and meets the jaw line, where on the left side is more pronounced. Follow the jaw, into the right side of the face, the audience’s left, and you see the harsher shading overall, though a softer jaw line. Its not just lighting reflected here. It’s the conflict between the oppositional forces of the passive Yin and the ever creating Yang.

The “male” side of the face, our left, has darker shading, probably in an effort to show a sort of “covering up” of that aspect of the woman’s face. This isn’t merely a portrait, it’s a microcosm. The right eye doesn’t focus in on the viewer like its counterpart does. It drifts, as if shy, as if it wants so badly to be ignored.

The hair is wild, but has characteristics of straw. It drifts only slightly, and holds in place despite its disheveled nature. It’s a reference to the careless beauty that the woman possesses. She doesn’t dress herself up to impress you, but even with messy hair, she’s a vision.

The lips follow the trend of slanting, with the advantage going to the feminine side. That half of the face knows something we don’t. Woman’s intuition, perhaps? Maybe just a secret, just a small one, but one strong enough to break your heart. The mouth makes no effort to purse, nor smile. It just waits, not to be kissed, not to be admired, not to be addressed, but to assert. It has something to say, and its waiting for you to shut up and listen. This isn’t merely a girl’s face, it’s the face of every woman in American society for the last 50 years. Shut up and listen to her.

~ K. Sartor 3/29/08

untitled

i think it's the adrenaline rush
that accompanies the pain
that makes me do this to myself
over and over again.

it's not about the broken heart
the wounded soul
the broken skin;
it's about an opportunity just to
feel again.

because when it hurts it isn't numb
and that, at least, is
good.

blech.

so i've had a really sore throat for a few days... i went to the dr. yesterday, they did a strep-test, and it came back negative. good... i guess. instead, i have a bad sinus infection. apparently it's been percolating since that cold got on the way home from STL a few weeks ago. SO... they gave me a shot and a prescription for antibiotics. great, that's exciting-- we all know how well i get along with antibiotics, lol.
so i was hoping to feel better this morning... no such luck. i woke up with a vicious sinus headache-- i thought my eyes were going to pop out and it felt like there was cement in my sinuses, and let's not even get into my issue with light sensitivity today. *rolls eyes* my headache got a little better after i took some mucinex and advil, but it came back... and i hate it. it's so hard to tolerate children when all you want to do is blow your own head off.