I miss you, Flasch-Dance

(L-R, Karen Flaschar, daughter Katie , and son Daniel)

51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
⁵⁵ "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I received a text message saturday evening, just as I was walking out the door to go to the Beacon of Hope Christmas party. I opened it thinking it was Merri Kay, telling me to hurry up. Unfortunately, it was not Merri Kay. It was Drew Schmidt, a friend from high school, letting me know that Flasch (Karen Flaschar, our high school choir director and all around at-school "mom") died; apparently she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck. Needless to say i felt... i can't really explain. i don't know if i actually felt. i still haven't let myself cry. it's not real yet. i just have this... unexplainable funk. a fog that won't seem to leave, but isn't really serving any more of a purpose other than delaying the grieving process.
i know it seems i shouldn't be this distraught, this... odd feeling over a teacher that i haven't seen in a few years: but i am. The truth is, she was way more than a teacher. She encouraged me to grow in every aspect of the word... she provided the "safe haven" of her office before, during, and after school hours, whether it be to sit and talk or take a nap during study hall when i obviously had other things i was supposed to be doing... she put in more hours than any teacher i know, and always had the time and love (whether she felt like it or not) to stay to help you work on a solo/ensemble piece, or to get down that one part of a song that you were too embarrassed to ask about in class, and not forgetting, of course, her work in the school musicals.
I cannot say enough about who she is and what she did...

i don't know what to feel. rather... i know what i feel but i'm not feeling it... does that make sense?? i'm just... numb. it's all going to come crashing down on me when i get to her visitation wednesday evening. Lucy and I have been talking about it the last two days, and we both feel the same: for some strange reason we're scared- anxious- like something isn't right. Which, Flasch being dead ISN'T right. It goes against everything we've ever known. it's all just so weird.
speaking of weird... friday, the day before i knew anything about Flasch's death, i thought about emailing her. I was listening to a song from the musical "Wicked" -- the one tara and I sang at the talent show our senior year-- and i thought about all the time and help from Flasch, and i thought, i should definitely email her! tell her where i'm at, see how she's doing... and then...

it's just too much.

but i try to keep in mind that she's with Jesus; it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I guess God thought she had done enough here on earth, and he needed a new director for the heavenly choirs. Who would've thought, though, the very thing i've been talking to my kids about i would need to remind myself: God has a plan-- even though we don't always understand it, it is perfect.

as much as i'm not looking forward to the brutality of St. Louis weather, I am excited to go back for a longer, more relaxed visit... as long as i can get through this funeral. i miss my mom, i need hugs from my best friends, and i need some good snuggles from my kitter.


... and now i'm watching The Bourne Identity... because my friend Jane got me the entire Jason Bourne Collection in a super-cool box set. If anybody wants to have a marathon while i'm home, i am TOTALLY game: you better believe Jason's comin' back to St. Louis with me ;)