on another note... this kids are driving me f-ing crazy. i haven't even been their primary caretaker the last week, and i still can't even tolerate them. ok, so that's a lie... Mitchell (the younger one) doesn't bother me at all... but Will is driving me up the wall. he doesn't listen, he is completely inconsiderate of everyone around him, selfish, and is constantly trying to control everything-- including his younger brother. I don't want to have this job anymore... but even if i quit it's going to be like 3 months before i get out. God's going to have to change my heart more than ever.
On the upside, being down and out with less than regular mobility has allowed me to think through the whole New York trip... and i've finally been able to grab onto a few concrete ideas in the sea of everything i experienced... I learned that God has the ability to meet all of my emotional needs just as much as my physical needs. I've seen him provide in abundance when it comes to money, a job, a place to live, etc... but this summer he showed me that he can meet my emotional needs too-- like having guy friends, having close girl friends, and being able to supply my every day life with enough holy spirit to get me through. The truth is, i learned that i need Him everyday-- which is a DUH things, but project
really helped bring that to light. Every day i would pray in the morning that i would not only remember my need for Him, but that I would be filled with the holy spirit... and i really felt a difference in my life. When i was getting frustrated with people or situations, or just needing a cigarette, i would pray that god would fill that need, fill that frustration with the holy spirit-- and change my heart in a way that only He can... and it was awesome to see him transform my heart and attitude within a matter of minutes. GAH! he's so awesome.On a spiritual level, i find myself already creeping back into my apathy. I think part of it is i'm back in the "same old" location, so i just fell back into
old patterns, but i really want to be more active in my relationship with God. It was awesome to be so consistent with my quiet times -- even though they were never "scheduled," i always spent time in the word everyday, and i loved that. I'm hoping that once i get myself back in a groove here, prayer and readingi'll pick that back up. No, i'm not hoping-- it IS going to happen. I would really love to start being more conscious about engaging in spiritual conversation. For me it's always been "taboo," but project tought me that with enough effort, it can become less of a "touchy" subject... i think i'm more comfortable now than ever before with using soularium, and it's my hope that i'll more actively use it on campus...or anywhere, really.i'm really looking forward to Stephen being down here too... with his help, and one of our staffers down here, i'm hoping to get some kind of arts ministry rolling... something like project, but long term. There's a girl on staff here that is by no means an artist (she even says so herself,) but she's very supportive of art ministries, and would probably love to help with logistical sides of the ministry, which is awesome.
...right. well. i need to try to get up and walk around a little bit so my back doesn't get super-stiff again. more to come.
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