from past pages of my prayer journal

dated 01/13/07
God, you are awesome. Even when it feels like everything is wrong and my world is dark and depressed, you reach through and give me strength--even if it's just enough to get through the day.
i'm tired.
i'm depressed.
i'm bored with life
and you know that.
Thank you in advance for the help you're sending my way-- and thank you for the hope and faith that gives me strength. i love you.

dated 01/16/07
Take my anxiety, my depression, my worries, my fears-- EVERYTHING. I can't handle them, but i know you can.
Take my talents, my desires, my dreams-- use them for your glory. Give my thoughts and words and art-- use it for what you want--fulfill my purpose.
Where do you want me to go? Guide me, God, i'm longing to hear your voice and feel your hand of guidance.

What do you want me to do? Speak to me--inspire me--motivate me to move with your will.

Provide only as you can-- take my mind away from worry about what i'll eat or wear or how i'll pay for school-- you take care of all of creation without a cent of payment and i know i am more precious to you than a flower or a bird. Console me: i do not fear because you are with me. Please strengthen and help me.
Help me to offer every part of my life as a sacrifice to you--not to work and exist for the purpose of others, but to do everything to bring you honor. I pray for the courage to follow through.
Grant me a serenity that only you provide. Amidst a storm within my daily life, you know the outcome. As your child EVERYTHING WORKS OUT as long as i trust and believe in you. Remove my worries and replace them with reassurance that you ARE there looking after me and working everything for the best.
You are incredible, God. Your power and glory are completely unfathomable-- even more so, your mercy and grace and patience. Thank you for listening and responding--for being a God that communicates.

i love you.

dated 02/08/07
Thank you, God for the good days.
Thank you for reminding me that even amid overwhelming problems, you grant a grounded, sustaining peace.
Thank you for giving me humbling moments-- and the attitude it takes to accept and learn from those moments.
Thank you for those "fate" moments when someone is in the right place at the right time.
Thank you for being the only original artist, and granting us, as your work, appreciation and inspiration to create. Thank your for giving me your fantastic trait of creativity.
Thank you for holding me when it seems like no one else will.
Thank you for renewing me each day-- Help me to live accordingly.
Thank you for your immense, everlasting, unconditional love.
Help me to show that love to others.

dated 05/06/07
(quote from the Barbarian Way by McManus, p 90)
"We civilize our children rather than guide them to the Barbarian Way. I am concerned that there are many who have grown up in church and have been effectively Christianized but have never genuinely met Christ.

Our goal must not be to populate the Christian religion, but to bring people into a genuine relationship with God."

dated 08/29/07

Psalm 63:6-8
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

1 Peter 4:12- 13, 19
"Dear friend, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

dated 09/16/07
Let your words flow from me
put the words in my mouth
and
the love in my heart
and
your utter glory in my life.

You continually humble me
with your abounding faithfulness
which i do not understand.

Hold me still in your arms,
remind me who i am
and to whom i belong.
Place your hand on my heart
and your life in my lungs.
i run free without fear of
tomorrow.

Love me, Jesus,
in the way only you can.
I am hurting--
but you are my healer
and friend in every season.

01/21/08

i have been inspired by my own encounters with the Lord.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for God-incidents,
for reminders,
for fulfilling your promises,
and most of all, your love.
I pray i continue to walk with you through your strength.

a list for my troubles, a penny for my thoughts

1. my anxiety and depression is rearing its ugly head... and all i want to do is not feel like i'm bipolar. one minute i feel happy as a hippo and the next i'm stressed and just feel like crying and lying in my bed for a week. or two. or ten.

2. i'm a failure. i bought a pack of cigarettes. but it made me ill so i guess that's a good thing.

3. the boys are NOT LISTENING TO ME and it's driving me absolutely INSANE. Every time i asked Mitchell to do something today, i had to say it at least 5 times... not to mention a couple of times he just stood there, sighed, and said, "AWW COME ONNNN" in a whiny voice that makes me want to scream. Seriously now... this has GOT to stop.

4. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. I wish i could've known about a fourth of this last week when i was doing nothing but being bored out of my skull. I'm trying to just get into the swing of things, because usually once i get going i start loving the business and the adrenaline rush of being overwhelmed... but right now it just sucks. The anxiety of it is making me shut down. I don't know how on earth i'm going to get homework done this semester; i have 3 academic classes instead of just 2-- which means a lot more reading/writing homework. I'm usually helping the boys with their homework until about 5:30 or 6, then i make dinner, do dishes, make sure the kids get their baths, and try (TRY TRY TRY) to get them in bed by 9 (but that NEVER happens because they are so bad about stalling bedtime). But then by 9 i have to go around and pick up the house, take the dog out, do my own homework, do yoga (it HAS to be a permanent piece of my schedule), and take a shower. By the time all that's done it's like... 5am. lol. i don't know how this is going to work.

5. And to top it all off... i'm having like NO quiet times. My schedule is chaotic and even though quiet time is what i need the most right now, it's like the last thing on my to do list... which is probably why i feel like everything is going wrong... i'm too focused on myself and not enough on the Lord.

((God, please take this dark cloud away from my life. Keep me focused. Help me to notice the moments you give me to read your word and spend more time with you.))

"Louie Louie, oh no me gotta go, Aye-yi-yi-yi!"

This is Louie.

Louie was one of Will and Mitchell's Christmas presents.
Louie is only a few months old.
Louie is small enough to fit in my purse.
Louie is absolutely adorable.

but...

Louie is not house trained.
Louie does not know when it is ok to bark and when to stop.
Louie does not even know his own name.
and nobody asked me if i was ok with Louie.

I guess that's what it all boils down to ... i mean, i LOVE animals-- anyone who knows me at all knows that i am a sucker for a cute fuzzy something. But here's my big problem: I am the caretaker for this family 50% of the time. When decisions about changes in lifestyle arise, i would like to have at least 50% of a voice in the matter, whether my opinion changes the outcome or not. It's not about me having my way, it's about being recognized for who i am in the family-- essentially, a mother figure. Since the beginning i have been accepted as family, let in on family secrets and stories and the works... but not being asked but TOLD about this change in my living and working environment is a little painful. i'm really just hurt that, in the instant when Bill made this decision, i was no longer family, but the nanny who lives here and makes sure stuff gets done. That probably wasn't the thought process at all-- but that's kind of how i feel. I mean, essentially, he's just given me another child to care for, only this one's a BABY: make sure he makes it outside to potty, clean up his messes when he doesn't, make sure he stays out of trouble... i've got to establish feeding and potty schedules, discipline him, and make sure the boys aren't reversing my disciplinary actions... Not to mention he's a HUGE distraction to Will. I mean, it's hard to get that kid focused ANYWAY-- and now all he wants to do is play with Louie...

Geeze i sound like my mother. Now i know how she felt all those times i asked for dogs and fish and hamsters and whatevers...
This is God showing his sense of humor is what it is: placing me in a motherly position for two children that are very similar to my sisters, and then giving me all these little parental trials, saying "this is for giving your mom a hard time...THIS is for thinking you knew how to be a better parent than your mother... oh, and this one is just funny."

i'm trying so hard just to enjoy it. Hopefully we'll have some kind of something worked out before Bill leaves a week from Tuesday. And i need to not think about myself... i'm probably just being selfish. *count it all joy, count it all joy, count it all joy...*

[[we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor]]

Are you tired of dreaming about your ex-boyfriend every night? Sick of waking up thinking you're pregnant--again? Wish you could just have dreams of watching yourself sleep?

...yeah, me too. Just don't watch Harry Potter before you go to bed-- that definitely doesn't help.

[[and now back to our feature presentation]]

Classes start tomorrow. Which means i should actually be asleep already, but... too bad so sad. When Bill's home he normally puts the boys to bed, but he had to run out to the boys' grandparents' house (an hour away) to pick up Will's medicine, which he accidentally left there over the weekend-- so i had to make sure the kids were showered and in bed, etc. Well, after an arduous bath/shower time, i read a devotion to the boys, prayed, and tucked them in. Then i did yoga, took a shower, and the next thing i know it was 12. baaaaaa. oh well.

i'm excited to start class tomorrow, though. i know it'll be all the preliminary meet-your-teacher-get-your-syllabus-do-stupid-paperwork-and-surveys classes for the first few days, but, i'm still excited to get back into the swing of things. i'm supposed to meet with the two other Campus Crusade leaders this week to figure out when we're gonna do weekly prayer meetings and bible studies and on-campus events this semester... not to mention i need to get to work on 2 paintings that i've commissioned myself to do (and would like to have done before i'm back in STL again in February so that they can tag along and find good little homes). It's a good thing i had a long, fun, sleep-filled break... because tomorrow is the beginning of a jam-packed-no-sleep-lots-of-work-at-home-and-at-school-all-the-time couple of months.

i gotta start reading my bible more: i'm gonna need it.
i'm out like a light.

PS. i've been thinking... i haven't been on a date since this summer. i haven't been on a date with someone other than a pervert or a stalker since way before that. i haven't really dated in 2 years and some months. and i've decided... i really want to go on a date!
... or at least have a date to emily's wedding.
something.

i'm bored and i can't sleep.

we had a thunderstorm today. i love thunderstorms. i spent my afternoon lying on the couch at the Beacon finishing my current read (the Oath by Frank Peretti).

then, on my way home i had to stop at the grocery store to get some milk, so i went to the new Robert's Market (pronounced RoBEARs...silly french...) up the street; and lo and behold while i was in St. Louis they opened a brand new Goodwill, mere BLOCKS away from my house. I LOVE GOODWILL, and i have yet to find one close by since i moved here. Now i DEFINITELY know this is where God wants me: a Starbucks a few blocks in one direction and a Goodwill a few blocks the other direction. Hallelujah.

i've felt pretty good the last few days: i've started doing yoga in the evenings, eating healthier snacks, and drinking a lot more water during the day. plus i'm still goin' strong with quitting smoking. it's been hard, though... sometimes i feel like i don't even want to quit-- but i know i need to. i wish the cravings would just completely go away-- that'd make it way easier, lol.
ya know what else would make it easier?? if my face would clear up. i came to the conclusion that smoking is what was causing my acne... but i haven't smoked in a little over a week, and it's not looking any better. needless to say, that stifles my motivation a bit. not to mention now i'm just stumped, and trying to figure out why the heck my skin won't quit being ridiculous.
it's whatever.

ya know what else won't quit being ridiculous? my subconscious. ever since i've moved to NOLA i've had crazy-weird dreams. (interestingly, i didn't have any overly strange dreams while i was back in St. Louis, tho.) I keep having very vivid, detail-oriented dreams about all kinds of crazy stuff... selling alligators on the black market with Chelsea, living in a hut that was actually a college dorm, having a baby and my brother getting mad & trying to kill her, not to mention endless dreams about doing all kinds of drugs and/or getting back together with exboyfriends.
i swear, if Alex shows up in one more dream i'm going to scream... i never dreamed about him when we were dating, and we've been broken up for more than 2 years now. I don't have any feelings left for him, bad or good, and he's not even remotely a part of my life, but when i have these dreams i end up thinking about him off and on through the whole following day, and, frankly, i don't like it. When the dreams first started i thought, well, maybe i'm supposed to talk to him-- witness to him, even! But i don't have any of his newer contact information, and apparently he's blocked me on facebook (whatever that's supposed to mean...). So i nixed that idea. Then i thought, ok, so maybe i'm just supposed to pray for him... so i do. Whenever i have a dream about him i say a short prayer for him the next day. But i mean, SERIOUSLY... if God wants me to pray for him, is there any other way he could tell me? Because, honestly, dreams about us getting back together only freak me out. a lot.

well anyway... i guess i should try to sleep.
i hope my subconscious takes the night off tonight.

whoa.

i think i just created the most emotional piece of artwork ever. and it looks pretty amazing if i do say so myself.
i'm going to have to let Pauly know that i put literally EVERY emotion into his painting. thanks to the thought processes and emotional ups and downs i experienced during the making, i think this painting inhabits more emotional and artistic expression than all of my previous works combined. It's amazing what happens when you release every ounce of overwhelming frustration and sadness that has built up over three weeks.

new song this sunday!

Create Again
By Aaron Shust

VERSE 1:

Separated from night

You spoke and then there was light

They point to You.

Divided water from land

Bowing to Your command

They point to You.

VERSE 2:

The sun that’s blazing at noon

And every phase of the moon

They point to You.

A baby’s cry and the way

A sunset closes the day

They point to You.

BRIDGE 1:

For You’re the only One worth praising

More radiant than earth and sky

And everyday that I survey Your creation

I see why, I see why.

CHORUS:

God of everything I see,

Come create again in me

You were yesterday

You will always be

So take each breath that I breathe

And be the life that I bleed

Create again in me

VERSE 3:

(this is my favorite verse)

The storm that’s raging at sea

Little child on her knees

They point to You.

Your grace that’s poured out on me

The sacrifice on a tree

They point to You.

BRIDGE 2:

Your Word vaults across the sky

From sunrise to sunset

Melting the ice, scorching the desert

Warm our hearts to faith

Warm out hearts to faith

i don't do new years' resolutions.

The fact of the matter is, everyday i am new in Christ-- just because it's a new year doesn't make a whole lot of difference. Truth be told, though, it does encourage thoughts of change, growth, and new beginnings.

that being said, i have a goal for myself: an oldie but a goody, i guess...

i have to quit smoking. i didn't want to start again anyway-- lack of self control, however, caused me to slide back down the slippery slope of nicotine addiction. Other than the obvious reasons (health risks and such), i have a few others...

1. the number one reason in the forefront of my mind: it's preventing me from having a relationship. granted, there are many other things too, but i started thinking about it: i don't want to date a smoker, so i can't expect a non-smoker to be interested in me if i'm still smoking. the particular individual i have in mind has never voiced an opinion of my habit (or of ME for that matter...), so i don't know where he stands-- but i figure it can't hurt to get rid of an unattractive attribute, right??

2. i have children. no, they're not mine, but they do idolize me and look to me for guidance. They don't know i smoke, but that's beside the point: i don't want to do anything that i wouldn't want them to do. (did that make sense?) plus, i think my sisters know i'm smoking again, and they don't need their older sister being a bad influence.

3. it's gross. 90% of the time when i'm smoking i'm disgusted with myself. But like all of my other previous addictions, it's just gotten to a point that i do it because i "need" to-- because it's just part of the routine, part of what i do.

bottom line: i'm going to quit smoking. *cringe* it's not going to be easy. it wasn't the first time. but it has to be done. i've decided i'm going to put post-its up (in my car, room, etc) with my top 3 reasons, try to start running again (that helped tremendously the last time), and hope that all of my friends will do what they can to encourage me.


i'm really torn about going back to New Orleans. I mean... it's home to me now, there's no doubt about that. but my heart is tied to a few things here in St. Louis, and i recollect these ties when i come back to visit.
not to mention, i'm less than excited about classes starting on the 14th. i'm only in 1 studio art class this semester, and those are the classes that keep me sane. let's see what's on the menu for spring... intermediate painting, art history I, english: Brit. Lit 1, and intro to computer science (blech.)
Painting: yay.
Art History: hard, but i love it.
English: tedious-- pretty sure i took the equivalent of this class in high school.
Comp Sci: i probably know enough to test out of this class... but that's not an option.
whatever. i gotta quit worrying about 2 weeks from now when i don't even know what's in store tomorrow.

tomorrow... dentist, yearly checkup with my pcp, and taking Peanut to the vet. all fun things.

love new chucks :)