YAY!

I had a truly amazing day today... PRAISE. THE. LORD. i've been stuck in a rut, in case you haven't noticed. life has been so blah and frustrating... but today was so good.
I took the kids to their family's boat-house on the bayou so they could play with their younger cousin and i could relax with their aunt and older cousin. It was so great. just hangin' out, watching Law & Order, lettin' the day go by.
Then i took them home to get ready for their grandma to take them to mass... after they left i got ready to go to Pivot. (for those who don't know, Pivot is a young adult group that meets one sunday a month for, essentially, a church service. they also have small groups that meet during the week and random events, etc...)
I cannot express just how incredibly elated i was to be able to go. I could feel my spirit revived the moment i pulled into the parking lot. As soon as i walked in i saw people i haven't seen since May-- and it was great. There were tons of hugs (YAAAAAY!), excited conversations, and i got to meet new people. The Lord totally blessed me today. I have been craving-- aching--DYING for a sense of community, for physical affection, to have people to interact with... it was so great. SO GREAT. I honestly cannot even express into words just how i feel right now-- the happiest i've been in weeks.
My friends were all really excited about my job-change, too. They are SO looking forward to me being at Pivot more and being able to get involved with small groups and go on trips and stuff. I was so excited i even signed up to go canoing at the end of August.

update on the job front: nothing yet. lol. but, two job-opps came my way today... Brandi told me that her mom is friends with her manager at Curves, and would put a word in for me. They are looking for someone to work a few evening shifts. It wouldn't pay the bills, but it would definitely supplement my income. then my other friend, Bekah, told me that the restaurant she works at, Olive Branch, is opening a new location in mid-city at the end of the month. She, too, is good friends with her manager, and gave me her number to call about a job. SO... i'm hoping between the two of these, maybe something will happen-- a ball will start rolling.

on the unfortunate side... the family hasn't found anyone to replace me yet. It's ok, i told them September, so they still have time... i just hope they find someone soon so we can start transitioning the boys.
Speaking of the boys... i'm so worried about how they are going to take this. They still don't know. But i know that they are going to feel so... freaked out. totally upset. and i know i can't do anything but pray about it. I just keep praying that God will smooth it over- make them calm about it- help them to realize that they are not losing me... because i'll definitely be around, just not every day 24/7. On top of everything, the 1-year anniversary of their mother's death is this friday. Again, another situation that i don't even know how to deal with. They haven't said anything about it... but i know they know. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. lots. lots lots.

my "novel" revelation ... *rolls eyes*

so i'm madly obsessed with the Twilight series. i tried to avoid it-- actively avoided reading the novels like the plague, and wouldn't even allow myself to swoon over Robert Pattinson (the amazingly beautiful guy who is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming movie). alas, however, my friend told me to suck it up and at least read the first book. so i did. and i've been hooked since. i just started the third book, Eclipse, and it is almost disturbing to me how genuinely engrossed i am in this series.
it's not just "oh, this is a great book, i can't wait to see what happens." it's more like "i want to be in this book. i want this to be my life. i love edward." i know, i know, you're rolling your eyes, because EVERYBODY and their MOTHER is gabbing on and on about how they are in love with Edward Cullen. But tonight (while i was bordering having an anxiety attack for no known reason,) i realized WHY i love Edward Cullen, and why i am so strongly consumed by these books:

1. i am deprived of physical affection. (and anyone who knows me any kind of well knows that I NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION.) And in the Twilight books, Bella is always receiving affection. Even in the second book, when Edward is gone (sorry, spoiler), Jacob gives her affection in a platonic way.
2. i want-- SO BADLY-- for someone to love me the way that Edward loves Bella. I mean... he doesn't just LOVE her, his whole life centers around her well being. Yes, he hurts her-- it's impossible to have a love relationship without some emotional pain-- but he is always there to keep her safe, to hold her, and love her. hello, what woman DOESN'T want that?? lol

right. so i sound like every other girl in the world...and incredibly cheesy and worthy of many eye-rolls and laughs, i'm sure, but it's true.

Life's a Beach...with my mom & sisters in Biloxi.

oh, right...

this morning i was at the chiropractor's office, laying on the massage table, reading Battlefield of the Mind. i stumbled across a page i had folded over while i was in New York, and started to read it again. and once again, God slammed me on my ass and told me to get my priorities straight.

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Trust God, Not Human Reason

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion. I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, "Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused." I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.

The human mind likes logic and order and reason. It likes to deal with what it understands. Therefore, we have a tendency to put things into neat little bins in the compartments of our mind, thinking, "This must be the way it is because it fits so nicely here." We can find something our minds are comfortable with and still be totally wrong.

...I don't know about you, but I want God to reveal things to me in such a way that i KNOW in my spirit that what has been revealed to my mind is correct. I don't want to reason, to figure and to be logical, rotating my mind around and around an issue until I am worn out and confused. I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.

...I realize now that I felt more secure if I had things figured out. I did not want any loose ends in my life. I wanted to be in control--and when I did not understand things, I felt out of control--frightened. But I was lacking something. I had no peace of mind and was physically worn out. . . Reasoning is not the normal condition in which God wants our mind to reside.
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close book. put it down.
"shit. i forgot. i always forget. i'm sorry."

i am a wreck.

i miss people.
i'm stressed about these big life-changes. i know i shouldn't be, i know i need to trust the Lord...but the truth is, there are seasons of stress in life-- and i'm in one right now.
i'm worried about money. again, i know that God will take care of it...but that doesn't make the worry go away.
i'm sad that my family had to put my dog, Phoebe, to sleep. i knew it was coming-- she's been sick for quite a while-- but that doesn't make it any better. i didn't even get to say goodbye.
i feel deprived of affection. i have friends here that i've seen regularly since i've been back to reality are not touchy-feely-let's-hug-and-snuggle type people. physical touch is my number one love language...and nobody around me speaks it.
everything is up in the air... i just wish there was something i could hold onto.
i can't seem to find time to do anything...but i feel like i'm never doing anything.
i'm hardly ever truly alone...but i feel lonely. but, ironically, i just want some time alone.
time with God. i feel dehydrated and disoriented.
and sometimes i feel like i'd rather be dead.
sad but true.

i'm moving! ...again!

Sorry i've been slow on updating on my job situation...my family just left town this morning and i haven't really had any free time until now.

First of all, I was praying a few weeks ago... ya know, asking God to reveal his will to me about my job situation, etc... and "Jeremiah 7:2" kept popping into my head, so i figured i'd look it up. i was expecting to read a verse that said something about "go! you have my blessing!" or whatever... instead, i read a call to worship. oh yeah... worship. my bad, God. i forgot.
so i spent about a half-hour in prayer, just worshiping and thanking God for all that he is, and right as i'm about to wrap it up, my phone rings. Carin (my best friend in St Louis) called me to catch up, and by the end was encouraging me to take a leap of faith-- if God's will is for me to move out and find a new job, he will honor and affirm my act of faith.
So, i talked to my boss (last week)...told him that i was looking for a new job, and explained that i felt i was missing out on community and relationships with people my age, and i wanted to be more involved on my campus-- and that just wasn't possible while working for him. I also told him that i was very appreciative of the experience and that i love my job... i just need something more compatible with college life. He was COMPLETELY understanding about the whole situation; he told me he knew it would only be a temporary thing, and that he agreed that i need to follow what i feel is right in my heart. PTL! I told him i would stay until September, so hopefully he'll find someone to replace me by then.
With that out of the way, i went to dinner that night with one of my friends, Brandy, that i hadn't seen since april or may. i caught her up to speed, including me quitting my job--in complete faith that God would provide a new place to live and a job. Then Brandy told me her and her sister were looking for a 3rd roommate in their apartment...they have an extra bedroom, and the rent would be easier on everyone if there was a 3rd person. She told me to pray about it...but i was like "uh, i'm pretty sure this is a total God thing."
I'm so excited about moving in with them. it's only about 450-500 a month (including utilities), which will be hard, but at least i'll be living a "normal" college life. So now i'm trying to find a job... if all else fails, i'm almost positive i can work at Antoine's in the French Quarter. The family i nanny for owns and runs it, and one of my friends, Casie (the boys' cousin), said she was almost positive they would hire me as a hostess. It only pays 9.50/hr, but it could work. For now i'm applying just about everywhere, though.
...the only down side: i have to down-size to a twin bed. maybe full, but that's pushing it. it's a pretty small bedroom. but... i made a twin work my first year of college, i think i can manage. just gotta get my memory-foam mattress topper from home. and hopefully i'll find a good mattress somewhat inexpensive somewhere. and some bed-side tables. and lamps. and a rug. and sheets. it'll be an investment...but i'm so excited.

umm. yeah. i went to the beach last week...but i haven't uploaded my pictures yet. they'll be up soon :)