...

my cousin Jeremy is dying.

any time now i could get a phone call... it may be cliche, but it really is like waiting for the axe to fall. i'm anxious and sad and hate that there's nothing i can do to make a difference. i can't even imagine what my aunt and uncle and his twin Jason are going through... not to mention his wife and kids.

i wish i could be there with the family. i want to be with all of them. i want to say goodbye to him. i want to tell him that i wish we would've talked more. i want to tell him that i love him...

i hate this. i hate feeling like there's never enough time... but it's true. there's never ever enough time with the people we love. i need to stop thinking that people will always be there... start loving people as fully as i can.

i know that death isn't the end... but i'm so scared of losing people i love. i am absolutely terrified.

Thoughts from the hallways.

I recently added a bumpersticker on facebook (yes, i'm "one of those") that says "i know when one door closes another always opens... but man, these hallways are a bitch!" I remember when i first saw it i immediately connected with it-- that's absolutely where my life is right now: a hallway.

I am currently "taking a break" from college... i have yet to determine a length of time to associate with "break," but that is beside the point. Since my newfound freedom from collegiate responsibility in January, i've discovered that there really is life outside of gpa's, final exams, and student numbers; for a perpetual student, it really was hard to grasp.

The past five months have definitely been a time of self-discovery, and even more of a reality check. For the first few months I enjoyed working a few days a week, lounging around the house, and creating artwork at my leisure, while my roommate was off taking hurried notes, struggling to listen to lectures, and cramming for tests. However, i quickly grew restless. I wasn't bored-- don't get me wrong, I can watch reruns of Law and Order SVU for weeks at a time with ease. No, this wasn't boredom... it was a feeling of uselessness: i felt empty, purposeless, and worthless. (Needless to say, it was a very "-less" time).

When i looked at myself i began to see labels: drop-out, failure, lazy, waste of talent. Then i started comparing myself to others-- which is always a mistake. All of my friends had packed schedules-- work, classes, church, volunteering, social events... always busy. I told myself that my life was obviously not good enough because my day planner was full of doodles and the occasional "Work 1-close," instead of being packed full of obligations. As someone who has always lead a busy life, i put value and purpose in "doing."

So, i started praying that God would lead me-- to tell me what i'm supposed to be doing. Constantly praying "God, what's next? What now? Should i do this? How about this??" And i've been so incredibly frustrated i cannot even express it in words.

Until last night.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, and she reminded me that "God talks when we least expect it." Well, DUH. I mean, i've learned by now that God is all about the unexpected... but something about the way in which she said it, or maybe the placement in the conversation made it stick with me. Immediately after our phone conversation i felt more at peace than i have in months.

Today after work i busied myself with nonsensical tasks around the house: putting away found treasures from a thrift store (nothing better than second hand junk), cleaning the ceiling fan in the kitchen (horrifyingly disgusting), laundry (the true-life never ending story)...and i stopped to look at myself in the mirror.

"my cup runneth over." (Psalm 23.5) i teared up. it hit me: maybe-- just MAYBE-- i'm not supposed to be DOING anything.

"be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46.10) it's so redundant in Christian sermons that it's nearly cliche... but it is absolute truth, and cannot be ignored.

"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress...in whom i trust." (Psalm 91.2) sometimes when you're taking refuge it's best to lie low and let someone else keep a lookout.

i am just completely in awe. i suddenly feel full of purpose... no, i'm not burning the candle at both ends or have involvement in everything under the sun, but i realize that DOING is not what life is all about. Sometimes God calls us to slow our roll; In these quiet hallways it's easier to hear the slightest whisper, and to take note of the small things that are less visible otherwise. In the words of Erwin McManus: "If Jesus' encounter with the unnamed adulterous woman tells us anything, it reveals the unexpected truth that the safest place for a sinful person to go is to God. [...] God wanted her. God was her place to belong, and this reality became the beginning of new things." (Soul Cravings, entry #13)

Instead of bitching about the hallways, I'm going to start thanking God for giving me a hall-pass, and continue to pray that i enjoy life in Him.

Force Like This

by Out of Eden

Ever since I saw you smile, and talk to you on the phone,
I feel like I could sprint for miles, and new lands I could roam.
Could this be God sending you my way.
If the same faith we're believing, I want this feeling to stay
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

Chorus
Cause I've never known a force like this.
That could bring these two hearts together.
It's amazing and I hope we don't miss,
the mark, 'Cause I'd like to be with you forever.

It seems like you could be the one, the one right for me in time.
I need direction from God above, I need to know that I'm in line.
Cause at love I'm new, and I'm falling for you.
And I don't want to get hurt by the things that you might do.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone could tell me if this love is for real.

Bridge
You bring me joy and put a smile on my face.
When I'm alone with you all my sadness is erased.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

"Let Go and Let God"

it's burning it's burning on fire she cries

for love and affection that passed and has died
the hurt and pain you could see in her eyes
it engulfs her soul, and tortures her mind
in a fight for her life i stretch out my hand
for the pain i know she no longer can stand
"let go and let God" i say out of fear
for the girl that cries dark, lonely tears
now the fire departs, compelled to subside
left no record of joyful thoughts behind
you can't tell with a look, a peek or a glance
but that fire now burns and still burns in her eyes.
By Reuben Foster

(photo taken at NYCAMS 2008)