I am currently "taking a break" from college... i have yet to determine a length of time to associate with "break," but that is beside the point. Since my newfound freedom from collegiate responsibility in January, i've discovered that there really is life outside of gpa's, final exams, and student numbers; for a perpetual student, it really was hard to grasp.
The past five months have definitely been a time of self-discovery, and even more of a reality check. For the first few months I enjoyed working a few days a week, lounging around the house, and creating artwork at my leisure, while my roommate was off taking hurried notes, struggling to listen to lectures, and cramming for tests. However, i quickly grew restless. I wasn't bored-- don't get me wrong, I can watch reruns of Law and Order SVU for weeks at a time with ease. No, this wasn't boredom... it was a feeling of uselessness: i felt empty, purposeless, and worthless. (Needless to say, it was a very "-less" time).
When i looked at myself i began to see labels: drop-out, failure, lazy, waste of talent. Then i started comparing myself to others-- which is always a mistake. All of my friends had packed schedules-- work, classes, church, volunteering, social events... always busy. I told myself that my life was obviously not good enough because my day planner was full of doodles and the occasional "Work 1-close," instead of being packed full of obligations. As someone who has always lead a busy life, i put value and purpose in "doing."
So, i started praying that God would lead me-- to tell me what i'm supposed to be doing. Constantly praying "God, what's next? What now? Should i do this? How about this??" And i've been so incredibly frustrated i cannot even express it in words.
Until last night.
I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, and she reminded me that "God talks when we least expect it." Well, DUH. I mean, i've learned by now that God is all about the unexpected... but something about the way in which she said it, or maybe the placement in the conversation made it stick with me. Immediately after our phone conversation i felt more at peace than i have in months.
Today after work i busied myself with nonsensical tasks around the house: putting away found treasures from a thrift store (nothing better than second hand junk), cleaning the ceiling fan in the kitchen (horrifyingly disgusting), laundry (the true-life never ending story)...and i stopped to look at myself in the mirror.
"my cup runneth over." (Psalm 23.5) i teared up. it hit me: maybe-- just MAYBE-- i'm not supposed to be DOING anything.
"be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46.10) it's so redundant in Christian sermons that it's nearly cliche... but it is absolute truth, and cannot be ignored.
"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress...in whom i trust." (Psalm 91.2) sometimes when you're taking refuge it's best to lie low and let someone else keep a lookout.
i am just completely in awe. i suddenly feel full of purpose... no, i'm not burning the candle at both ends or have involvement in everything under the sun, but i realize that DOING is not what life is all about. Sometimes God calls us to slow our roll; In these quiet hallways it's easier to hear the slightest whisper, and to take note of the small things that are less visible otherwise. In the words of Erwin McManus: "If Jesus' encounter with the unnamed adulterous woman tells us anything, it reveals the unexpected truth that the safest place for a sinful person to go is to God. [...] God wanted her. God was her place to belong, and this reality became the beginning of new things." (Soul Cravings, entry #13)
Instead of bitching about the hallways, I'm going to start thanking God for giving me a hall-pass, and continue to pray that i enjoy life in Him.
1 comment:
This could be a sermon... if you were a boy and you were saying it from a pulpit....lol
Beautiful words. I am so glad you were able to listen for God's voice! Your words encouraged me. Love you
Post a Comment