let's cut to the chase:

I'M NOT A NANNY ANYMORE!! WOOHOO! PRAISE THE LORD!
i mean... i will miss the job and the children terribly...

truth is, i do kinda miss the kids. and i miss having a job that i already know the ins-and-outs of. but in all honesty, i am completely glad to be moving on.

i spent my first official night at my new place last saturday...so it's almost been a week. and i love it. my bed will be much more comfortable once i pick up my mattress tomorrow (right now i'm sleeping on a 4" slab of foam... not so nice). and my room is small...but it's mine. i bought the bed (loft bed with a desk underneath), i bought the mattress, and i will eventually buy a dresser to put all of my clothes in. (next paycheck??) i love living with Brandy, Kristy, and Sarah (and Dot and Fifi, of course), and I love being responsible for only me, myself, and i.
then i started my new job at Starbucks (by Lakeside Mall) this past wednesday!! It's awesome. I really like my manager, and i really like most of the employees i've met so far. My first day i met Ansley, who is training too. . . she's a Christian!! She goes to the Baptist Seminary here. We crammed as much talking as we could into our 10 minute break, when i found out she's involved with BCM on Tulane's campus, she's done a few semester mission trips, and her getting the job at SBUX was a total "God thing." Which, of course, got me all excited... i was like "ME TOO! OH MY GOSH I AM SO EXCITED!!" Then she tells me Kayla, whom i still haven't met, goes to the seminary too! PTL i am working with Christians... it's so exciting!! I just keep praying that God will continue to encourage me... i got kind of upset tonight because the training isn't really going the way i'd like it to... i don't really feel like i'm learning anything. I'd like to either be really rigorously trained or just thrown into the mix to figure it out, but standing around is just annoying and boring. Plus there's a girl that works there that i kinda know from UNO...and she's sort of intimidating. she has a very outgoing personality, and she just kind of dominates when she's there... but it's whatever. i need to just get over it. (oh, side note: the guy that delivers the milk is hot as HELL. seriously. it should be illegal for the milkman to be that stinkin' beautiful.)

anyway so yeah... that's my life in a nutshell right now. of course there's the little things... school is crazy-stressful. i have a test coming up in World History and i'm pretty sure i haven't learned a darn thing in that class... i couldn't even begin to tell you what one of the lectures were about, b/c they never stay on topic. i gotta bust a painting out in about a week (do-able). my psych class seems more like a biology class (UGH). Human Sexuality is a required class for anyone wanting to progress in psych classes... which is fine with me. but for right now it's basically like a sex-ed class: anatomy, diseases, procedures, birth control, blah blah blahhhh... i hate it so much. my friend Casie and i spend the entire lecture coloring and doing crossword puzzles. my english class is good... i love that i can totally b.s. my way through english classes. it's pretty much awesome. but shh! don' tell nobodies!

oh! ok, so i didn't buy a parking decal this semester b/c it's almost pointless... you pay 90 bucks, stick it permanently on your car, and spend 20 minutes looking for a parking place every morning, and you end up about a mile or two away from where you need to be. so, really, you might as well park off campus for free, right? Well, someone told me that you could park on the street that runs in front of the UC w/o a parking decal... well, they were WRONG. i definitely got a $50 ticket today. GRRRRRR. just one more thing i have to spend money on. great. fantastic. thank you, UNO! no, no, thank you, really, because i haven't given you enough of my non-existent money already...

aaaaaand on that extremely sarcastic and bitter note, i will bid you all adieu as i head up (yes, 5 feet up, to be exact) to bed.

what does it mean to abide?

((John 15: 1-11))

a·bide /əˈbaɪd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[uh-bahyd] a·bode or a·bid·ed, a·bid·ing.
–verb (used without object) ((it's an action))

1.	to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.

2.	to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.

3.	to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; to last.

–verb (used with object)

4.	to put up with; tolerate; stand: I can't abide dishonesty!

5.	to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting: to abide a vigorous onslaught.

6.	to wait for; await: to abide the coming of the Lord.

7.	to accept without opposition or question: to abide the verdict of the judges.

8.	to pay the price or penalty of; suffer for.

—Verb phrase

9.	abide by, a. to act in accord with. b. to submit to; agree to: to abide by the court's decision. c. to remain steadfast or faithful to; keep: If you make a promise, abide by it.

"This Is Not"

by the Benjamin Gate

I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy

oh oh
This is not what I need to be
oh oh
This is not what you mean to me

I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery

I tried to be so perfect

sorry.

it's not enough;
it will never be enough.

it's too much;
always too much.

not right;
never right.

wrong, so wrong;
always wrong.

never ever good enough;
never ever strong enough.

Everything i want is wrong.
my heart, mind, and soul can't reach an agreement.
The Id always wins;
damn you, Freud, and your ridiculous psychobabble.
damn you, primitive body, and your animalistic, self-destructive desires.
It's all so shoddy, dark, and empty;
why do i so long for its hollow gratification?

it makes absolutely no
________ sense.

Evacua/Vaca - tion

So i've been in St. Louis for almost a week... had to evacuate New Orleans b/c of Gustav. Yeah, good times. Lemme just fill you in on how that whole deal went down...
Michael (friend from UNO) and I left NOLA friday afternoon. We made it about 2 hours away, to Macomb, Mississippi where i got a flat tire. Had to pull over to the side of the highway and freak out a bit b/c i've never gotten a flat tire before... Michael changed to my spare (which was just about as flat as the regular tire) and we drove into town. Macomb, MS = bumpkinville USA. I am SO glad it was still daylight when we had to get the flat, b/c this small little town looked like a horror flick waiting to happen. We pull into Tire City, where they sell new and used tires. Thank God. I was able to replace both rear tires for 77 bucks. That's pretty awesome. They were used tires, but good. Ok, so we get the tires replaced (it's only like 400 degrees outside, btw), and then drive down the street to fill up the tank. Within the block we drove the tire went flat again. wtf. so we drive BACK to the tire place, and they found a tiny itty bitty pin hole... so they patched it and all is well. (aside from me freaking out, nervous as hell that something else is going to go wrong.)
sooooo we drive. drive drive drive drive. lots of driving. The nice thing is, we drove with the windows down and saved a ton of gas by not using the AC. In fact, we only stopped one other time on the way to STL. hollerrrr. We got into town at 1:30 am... thankfully, in a few collective pieces.
Saturday was fun... Michael and I walked to downtown Kirkwood to go to the winery, alendale microbrewery, farmers market, kaldi's... just walked around. it was great. until we started walking home and michael was getting on my LAST nerve. Now, people who know me well know that i generally don't display my aggravation directly toward people. I guess it's because i was really stressed by having to evacuate, still not sure what Gustav was going to do to New Orleans, and overwhelmed by what happened the day before... a combination of everything... Michael just kept bugging me, and i flipped the EFF out on Kirkwood Road. By the time we got home I closed myself up in my room for a few hours to cool off. But, unfortunately, i just kept being snippy at him all weekend. I tried not to-- really--he was just so irritating. but i digress...
During my visit here in St. Louis i saw my girls that I hung out with my first year of college (Maggie, my old roommate; Molly, and Melissa) It was awesome. Then i saw some friends who were in town from Atlanta, and THEN i got to drive to Lawrence to see my bff Lucy... on the way i got to drive through Columbia and see Kaitlin-- my friend from the New York trip this summer. AHHHH! It was so incredible. seeing all these people i LOVE. YAAAAY!
...and now Gustav is mauling St. Louis. It's been uber-rainy and windy all day. and chilly. good times, really. it's kinda enjoyable. (i've been wanting a cool, rainy fall day for a while-- and we all know fall doesn't start in New Orleans for at least a few more months.) I went to see both of my sisters at school today...took coffee to Lizz and then drove over to Sami's school to have lunch. it was fun. Then michael and I went to the Loop. YAY! I got a few CD's at Vintage Vinyl (Jamiroquai-- Traveling Without Moving, and the Duhks-- fast paced world), browsed at Rag-O-Rama, and got an ash tray for my friend at the Phoenix (it has a picture of Jesus and says "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke." i thought it was hilarious.) Then we got a cup of coffee and drove around so i could show him where I used to work and go to school and stuff... good times.

So yeah. it's been fun. we're supposed to drive back tomorrow, but i'm thinking about calling my boss and seeing if i can drive back later in the weekend since Michael can't get back into his apartment until Sunday evening. Because honestly-- i do NOT want him living in the same house as me anymore. lol. mean but true. we could never be married. i'd kill him. he's such a good friend though... i keep apologizing to him for being a bitch, and he's like "don't worry about it. i'm annoying. i understand." and he doesn't hold it against me. what a good guy.

can't wait to move in with my friends. especially after seeing Lucy's place in Lawrence... it's gotten me even more excited about decorating my room and living with people my age. Bill (the boys' dad) said he thinks he found someone to replace me and i should be able to move out by mid-september. that's soon. yay!!
so i've found myself saying "baller" a lot. and i think it's hilarious. i crack myself up. i'll be like 'that is so baller.' and then giggle in my head. enjoying life is fun.

YAY!

I had a truly amazing day today... PRAISE. THE. LORD. i've been stuck in a rut, in case you haven't noticed. life has been so blah and frustrating... but today was so good.
I took the kids to their family's boat-house on the bayou so they could play with their younger cousin and i could relax with their aunt and older cousin. It was so great. just hangin' out, watching Law & Order, lettin' the day go by.
Then i took them home to get ready for their grandma to take them to mass... after they left i got ready to go to Pivot. (for those who don't know, Pivot is a young adult group that meets one sunday a month for, essentially, a church service. they also have small groups that meet during the week and random events, etc...)
I cannot express just how incredibly elated i was to be able to go. I could feel my spirit revived the moment i pulled into the parking lot. As soon as i walked in i saw people i haven't seen since May-- and it was great. There were tons of hugs (YAAAAAY!), excited conversations, and i got to meet new people. The Lord totally blessed me today. I have been craving-- aching--DYING for a sense of community, for physical affection, to have people to interact with... it was so great. SO GREAT. I honestly cannot even express into words just how i feel right now-- the happiest i've been in weeks.
My friends were all really excited about my job-change, too. They are SO looking forward to me being at Pivot more and being able to get involved with small groups and go on trips and stuff. I was so excited i even signed up to go canoing at the end of August.

update on the job front: nothing yet. lol. but, two job-opps came my way today... Brandi told me that her mom is friends with her manager at Curves, and would put a word in for me. They are looking for someone to work a few evening shifts. It wouldn't pay the bills, but it would definitely supplement my income. then my other friend, Bekah, told me that the restaurant she works at, Olive Branch, is opening a new location in mid-city at the end of the month. She, too, is good friends with her manager, and gave me her number to call about a job. SO... i'm hoping between the two of these, maybe something will happen-- a ball will start rolling.

on the unfortunate side... the family hasn't found anyone to replace me yet. It's ok, i told them September, so they still have time... i just hope they find someone soon so we can start transitioning the boys.
Speaking of the boys... i'm so worried about how they are going to take this. They still don't know. But i know that they are going to feel so... freaked out. totally upset. and i know i can't do anything but pray about it. I just keep praying that God will smooth it over- make them calm about it- help them to realize that they are not losing me... because i'll definitely be around, just not every day 24/7. On top of everything, the 1-year anniversary of their mother's death is this friday. Again, another situation that i don't even know how to deal with. They haven't said anything about it... but i know they know. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. lots. lots lots.

my "novel" revelation ... *rolls eyes*

so i'm madly obsessed with the Twilight series. i tried to avoid it-- actively avoided reading the novels like the plague, and wouldn't even allow myself to swoon over Robert Pattinson (the amazingly beautiful guy who is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming movie). alas, however, my friend told me to suck it up and at least read the first book. so i did. and i've been hooked since. i just started the third book, Eclipse, and it is almost disturbing to me how genuinely engrossed i am in this series.
it's not just "oh, this is a great book, i can't wait to see what happens." it's more like "i want to be in this book. i want this to be my life. i love edward." i know, i know, you're rolling your eyes, because EVERYBODY and their MOTHER is gabbing on and on about how they are in love with Edward Cullen. But tonight (while i was bordering having an anxiety attack for no known reason,) i realized WHY i love Edward Cullen, and why i am so strongly consumed by these books:

1. i am deprived of physical affection. (and anyone who knows me any kind of well knows that I NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION.) And in the Twilight books, Bella is always receiving affection. Even in the second book, when Edward is gone (sorry, spoiler), Jacob gives her affection in a platonic way.
2. i want-- SO BADLY-- for someone to love me the way that Edward loves Bella. I mean... he doesn't just LOVE her, his whole life centers around her well being. Yes, he hurts her-- it's impossible to have a love relationship without some emotional pain-- but he is always there to keep her safe, to hold her, and love her. hello, what woman DOESN'T want that?? lol

right. so i sound like every other girl in the world...and incredibly cheesy and worthy of many eye-rolls and laughs, i'm sure, but it's true.