uhh... merry christmas... and stuff.

Today is the first day i've been able to just lay around. i was awoken at 9 to open presents... but soon after, and a few cinnamon rolls later, i decided to take a nap. for like 3 hours. it was GLORIOUS. i was all snuggled up in the blanket Carin and Michael gave me, and i just totally crashed. Now i'm wondering where the day has gone... but alas, i do not care.

although i am a bit perturbed... by a few things.
1. Certain people in our church being ridiculous to the point that i want to slap him/her and ask him/her what their problem is exactly. i cannot expand on this without getting angry... so i won't.

2. found out today that this girl i go to church with back in New Orleans is engaged. Exciting, right? yeah, except she's 2 years younger than me, engaged to a guy that's 3 years older than me... i don't know i just think it's kind of ridiculous. Not that there's a big age gap-- i could care less about that-- i just mean that someone as young as she shouldn't be getting married. I mean, she's barely into college... what the heck.

3. I can't stand my family... i mean... Sami's become a royal witch (for lack of a better word), Lizzie's loud and obnoxious (ok, so nothing changed there), and my dad is totally self centered (again, no change...) I feel so bad for my mom. Not to say that she's the perfect wife and mother and never does anything wrong, but the truth is... i don't think she's happy with her life and that makes me sad. I wish my sisters would just listen to her and obey, and my dad would quit being a jerk (again, for lack of a better word) and actually do something good for our family. But i suppose i'm being critical.

anyway. i hate to break it to my st. louis friends, but i really just want to go back to New Orleans, because it really feels more like home than St. Louis does. I mean, i totally miss some of my St. Louis friends and my family (sometimes) when i'm in New Orleans, but being in St. Louis just doesn't even feel right anymore.

right. well. i gotta go have christmas dinner. wOOt.

I miss you, Flasch-Dance

(L-R, Karen Flaschar, daughter Katie , and son Daniel)

51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
⁵⁵ "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

I received a text message saturday evening, just as I was walking out the door to go to the Beacon of Hope Christmas party. I opened it thinking it was Merri Kay, telling me to hurry up. Unfortunately, it was not Merri Kay. It was Drew Schmidt, a friend from high school, letting me know that Flasch (Karen Flaschar, our high school choir director and all around at-school "mom") died; apparently she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck. Needless to say i felt... i can't really explain. i don't know if i actually felt. i still haven't let myself cry. it's not real yet. i just have this... unexplainable funk. a fog that won't seem to leave, but isn't really serving any more of a purpose other than delaying the grieving process.
i know it seems i shouldn't be this distraught, this... odd feeling over a teacher that i haven't seen in a few years: but i am. The truth is, she was way more than a teacher. She encouraged me to grow in every aspect of the word... she provided the "safe haven" of her office before, during, and after school hours, whether it be to sit and talk or take a nap during study hall when i obviously had other things i was supposed to be doing... she put in more hours than any teacher i know, and always had the time and love (whether she felt like it or not) to stay to help you work on a solo/ensemble piece, or to get down that one part of a song that you were too embarrassed to ask about in class, and not forgetting, of course, her work in the school musicals.
I cannot say enough about who she is and what she did...

i don't know what to feel. rather... i know what i feel but i'm not feeling it... does that make sense?? i'm just... numb. it's all going to come crashing down on me when i get to her visitation wednesday evening. Lucy and I have been talking about it the last two days, and we both feel the same: for some strange reason we're scared- anxious- like something isn't right. Which, Flasch being dead ISN'T right. It goes against everything we've ever known. it's all just so weird.
speaking of weird... friday, the day before i knew anything about Flasch's death, i thought about emailing her. I was listening to a song from the musical "Wicked" -- the one tara and I sang at the talent show our senior year-- and i thought about all the time and help from Flasch, and i thought, i should definitely email her! tell her where i'm at, see how she's doing... and then...

it's just too much.

but i try to keep in mind that she's with Jesus; it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I guess God thought she had done enough here on earth, and he needed a new director for the heavenly choirs. Who would've thought, though, the very thing i've been talking to my kids about i would need to remind myself: God has a plan-- even though we don't always understand it, it is perfect.

as much as i'm not looking forward to the brutality of St. Louis weather, I am excited to go back for a longer, more relaxed visit... as long as i can get through this funeral. i miss my mom, i need hugs from my best friends, and i need some good snuggles from my kitter.


... and now i'm watching The Bourne Identity... because my friend Jane got me the entire Jason Bourne Collection in a super-cool box set. If anybody wants to have a marathon while i'm home, i am TOTALLY game: you better believe Jason's comin' back to St. Louis with me ;)

sense-lacking-fragmented-brain-fries

i never blog. sorry for those of you who actually check (carin).

i think i would blog more if i could just draw pictures. by the end of the day, i just don't have the words left.

December Harrison Ave. Marketplace was tonight. it went really well... my volunteers have overrun my kids corner booth, and i seriously did nothing during the event. Granted i spent most of the afternoon setting up, but didn't have to stay and paint faces or make ornaments or deal with spoiled children who want their entire body painted and want to make 75 zillion ornaments. anyway. i walked around with merri kay, bought some christmas presents, and enjoyed some eats and drinks. it was actually really nice-- not nearly as stressful as past Marketplaces.

i got all A's this semester. i'm pretty stoked, i won't lie. my drawing teacher said i have a lot of talent and she really enjoys my work, my painting teacher said the same thing in addition to telling me that two of my paintings were the best in the class (and that he expected to see me and my work in advanced painting classes), myenglish teacher told me i didn't even need to take his class because i was obviously already beyond the curriculum (but UNO required me to take it), and my women's studies teacher said she really liked my writing and artwork on our last group project. I mean, i impressed everybody this semester... and to think i was worried about my grades.

well... i was going to include pictures of my artwork, but i keep clicking on the "add image" button and nothing is happening. good. great. wonderous. whatever. nobody actually cares.

what other worthless information can i pass on...
oh, let's talk about the fact that my face looks like a warzone. talk about acne... i mean, i've always had acne. but it's suddenly gone out of control. like, painfully out of control-- and i don't just mean emotionally. i keep getting these clusters of acne on my jawline and it HURTS really bad. i hate it. i want to rip my skin off. there are some mornings i don't even want to get out of bed. as much as i want to meet a guy, i don't even look because my skin is horrible and nobody wants to look at that.
i mean, i've gotten over the fact that i've gained 35 pounds since i've moved here: whatever. i'm going to start going to a pilates studio down the street when i get back from my St. Louis furlough. but i'm not going to diet, i'll tell ya that right now. dieting is for the birds. there's too much freakin' delicious food here to diet.
but my FACE! MY FACE IS DAMAGING MY SOUL. Merri Kay says she doesn't even notice it... i say hello? do you have EYES? i mean... maybe it's not as bad as i think it is... but it is bad. what can i do?? i know i should drink more water, that's one thing. but i'm taking a skin and hair vitamin, i wash my face twice a day, and i use a good skin care system. i mean... what the heck??
does smoking cause acne?
maybe i should quit smoking. again.
but i'm not up for that. again.

i thought about cutting myself the other night. for no particular reason. i thought, i should try it... just once... see what it feels like now. yeah, wow. haven't had a thought like that in years. YEARS. satan is attacking me so bad in so many ways. all of my former addictions are haunting me. satan, you're a punk! don't you know jesus lives in this heart? GET. OUT.

my love for the band Cursive has totally been revived.

i'm reading Prophet by Frank Peretti.

i have the biggest stash of chocolate i've ever had. and i keep forgetting about it.

i don't really want to stay in St. Louis for almost 3 weeks.

my mom told me somehow she might have 1700 dollars for my spring tuition, but wouldn't tell me how or where it came from. that's bothersome.



i love new orleans so much. i'm so glad God brought me here. He totally knows what He's doing... thank goodness, because i sure as heck don't.

i miss theses peoples...

The Lord has blessed me fully, I cannot bid complaint
for He has given me all I need, and then more than I can say

a place to live, a bed in which to sleep,
the Spirit to guide my every step,
and friends who love and care for me.

He created us with hearts for love,
and to love like Him I strive

To praise Him with my every day

as long as I am alive.

Thank you God for your mercies grace,

for everything you've done:

for every time I trip and fall

and you're there to mend my wounds

for teaching me and guiding me

for providing for my every needs

and giving me the strength to see

who I am in You.

The Lord is good and His mercies will not fail us... they are new each day...

Half of my tuition was due today. If i didn't get it in today, my classes would be dropped.

As of this time yesterday I had made as many phone calls, sent as many emails, and tried every possible thing i could in order to get that money. By 7pm last night I completely laid myself before God and said, "Look-- you brought me here. If school is not where i'm supposed to be spending my time, then so be it! I'm here because of you, Lord. Provide and guide where you see fit." After that, i had a peace... that the Lord was going to do what was right for my life-- whether that meant a financial miracle, or taking a semester off.
I woke up early this morning even though i didn't have classes, made some coffee, and sat in the office wondering what God was going to do. It was really cool because i felt completely in the middle of his will... i had no idea whether i would still be enrolled by the end of today, or if i would be calling the Beacon's executive director about needing a full-time job. Even though I was consumed by this huge unknown, in my complete and total vulnerability, i knew God was at work. It is so awesome to feel God's work... i cannot even explain it.
I got a phone call from my mom this morning, asking if anything had worked out yet. After i told her no, she informed me that someone from KRCC offered to loan me the money i need until my student loan comes in. PRAISE JESUS. Seriously all i could say was thank you... God is so good. He continually reminds me to trust him even to the last minute, that he will not fail me; He reminds me that in my insecurities and fear he is my strength.

"Job said to the Lord: I know you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:1-2

i'm scared.

i have to keep reminding myself that with God on my side, no one or thing can be against me.

i have to keep reminding myself that God isn't going to say, "alright, i got you here... just chill i'll be back later."

i have to keep asking God to pull me out of this lonesome funk. I have friends here... i'm about to have more once school starts... but i'm so nervous about school.

i keep thinking maybe i shouldn't be at U.N.O. this semester... but then i remember that God wouldn't have opened the door if it wasn't supposed to be... right? i guess we'll find out when He provides (or doesn't provide) tuition...

i've never lived completely alone, and i get kinda scared at night. i can't wait for the next volunteer group to get here.


i'm so thankful that the Lord has put Brandy in my life. She says things to me that Carin would say... and that's a good thing. Even thought we just met, i feel like i can be honest with her and i know she'll call me out if necessary. She's like Carin, Pam, and Kim all put together. What a fun combo.

i went to church last night instead of this morning... most of the young adults go to the saturday night service, so Brandy and i went (since she already knows a lot of the group at Celebration, even though she doesn't go there). After the service i hooked up with Tony and Lindsay, the 20-something minister and his wife. Lindsay and I swapped stories (briefly) and she was really excited that i had decided to come back to Celebration and told me she'd be in touch b/c the girls were getting ready to have a "night in"... i think i've found a good group here. it's awesome being at a church that has a ministry group for people my age... no offense to KRCC... i guess you can't really have a 20-something ministry if there's not enough 20-somethings in the congregation. So yeah... i think i've found my church here-- which is exciting!
Exciting... right... as soon as i get out of this funk i'll be able to appreciate the excitement a little more, lol. i think i'm just PMSing. let's hope so anyway.

The best thing i've heard this week so far?? It rarely gets colder than the 40's here. SCORE.
Something else that's awesome: Pensacola, Florida is only 2.5-3 hours away from here. hmmm...

for some reason i have a strong desire to start smoking again...i'm about to have a nic-fit.
grrrr... get out of here, random cravings!