we had a thunderstorm today. i love thunderstorms. i spent my afternoon lying on the couch at the Beacon finishing my current read (the Oath by Frank Peretti).
then, on my way home i had to stop at the grocery store to get some milk, so i went to the new Robert's Market (pronounced RoBEARs...silly french...) up the street; and lo and behold while i was in St. Louis they opened a brand new Goodwill, mere BLOCKS away from my house. I LOVE GOODWILL, and i have yet to find one close by since i moved here. Now i DEFINITELY know this is where God wants me: a Starbucks a few blocks in one direction and a Goodwill a few blocks the other direction. Hallelujah.
i've felt pretty good the last few days: i've started doing yoga in the evenings, eating healthier snacks, and drinking a lot more water during the day. plus i'm still goin' strong with quitting smoking. it's been hard, though... sometimes i feel like i don't even want to quit-- but i know i need to. i wish the cravings would just completely go away-- that'd make it way easier, lol.
ya know what else would make it easier?? if my face would clear up. i came to the conclusion that smoking is what was causing my acne... but i haven't smoked in a little over a week, and it's not looking any better. needless to say, that stifles my motivation a bit. not to mention now i'm just stumped, and trying to figure out why the heck my skin won't quit being ridiculous.
it's whatever.
ya know what else won't quit being ridiculous? my subconscious. ever since i've moved to NOLA i've had crazy-weird dreams. (interestingly, i didn't have any overly strange dreams while i was back in St. Louis, tho.) I keep having very vivid, detail-oriented dreams about all kinds of crazy stuff... selling alligators on the black market with Chelsea, living in a hut that was actually a college dorm, having a baby and my brother getting mad & trying to kill her, not to mention endless dreams about doing all kinds of drugs and/or getting back together with exboyfriends.
i swear, if Alex shows up in one more dream i'm going to scream... i never dreamed about him when we were dating, and we've been broken up for more than 2 years now. I don't have any feelings left for him, bad or good, and he's not even remotely a part of my life, but when i have these dreams i end up thinking about him off and on through the whole following day, and, frankly, i don't like it. When the dreams first started i thought, well, maybe i'm supposed to talk to him-- witness to him, even! But i don't have any of his newer contact information, and apparently he's blocked me on facebook (whatever that's supposed to mean...). So i nixed that idea. Then i thought, ok, so maybe i'm just supposed to pray for him... so i do. Whenever i have a dream about him i say a short prayer for him the next day. But i mean, SERIOUSLY... if God wants me to pray for him, is there any other way he could tell me? Because, honestly, dreams about us getting back together only freak me out. a lot.
well anyway... i guess i should try to sleep.
i hope my subconscious takes the night off tonight.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
whoa.
i think i just created the most emotional piece of artwork ever. and it looks pretty amazing if i do say so myself.
i'm going to have to let Pauly know that i put literally EVERY emotion into his painting. thanks to the thought processes and emotional ups and downs i experienced during the making, i think this painting inhabits more emotional and artistic expression than all of my previous works combined. It's amazing what happens when you release every ounce of overwhelming frustration and sadness that has built up over three weeks.
new song this sunday!
Create Again
By Aaron Shust
VERSE 1:
They point to You.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
i don't do new years' resolutions.
The fact of the matter is, everyday i am new in Christ-- just because it's a new year doesn't make a whole lot of difference. Truth be told, though, it does encourage thoughts of change, growth, and new beginnings.
that being said, i have a goal for myself: an oldie but a goody, i guess...
i have to quit smoking. i didn't want to start again anyway-- lack of self control, however, caused me to slide back down the slippery slope of nicotine addiction. Other than the obvious reasons (health risks and such), i have a few others...
1. the number one reason in the forefront of my mind: it's preventing me from having a relationship. granted, there are many other things too, but i started thinking about it: i don't want to date a smoker, so i can't expect a non-smoker to be interested in me if i'm still smoking. the particular individual i have in mind has never voiced an opinion of my habit (or of ME for that matter...), so i don't know where he stands-- but i figure it can't hurt to get rid of an unattractive attribute, right??
2. i have children. no, they're not mine, but they do idolize me and look to me for guidance. They don't know i smoke, but that's beside the point: i don't want to do anything that i wouldn't want them to do. (did that make sense?) plus, i think my sisters know i'm smoking again, and they don't need their older sister being a bad influence.
3. it's gross. 90% of the time when i'm smoking i'm disgusted with myself. But like all of my other previous addictions, it's just gotten to a point that i do it because i "need" to-- because it's just part of the routine, part of what i do.
bottom line: i'm going to quit smoking. *cringe* it's not going to be easy. it wasn't the first time. but it has to be done. i've decided i'm going to put post-its up (in my car, room, etc) with my top 3 reasons, try to start running again (that helped tremendously the last time), and hope that all of my friends will do what they can to encourage me.
i'm really torn about going back to New Orleans. I mean... it's home to me now, there's no doubt about that. but my heart is tied to a few things here in St. Louis, and i recollect these ties when i come back to visit.
not to mention, i'm less than excited about classes starting on the 14th. i'm only in 1 studio art class this semester, and those are the classes that keep me sane. let's see what's on the menu for spring... intermediate painting, art history I, english: Brit. Lit 1, and intro to computer science (blech.)
Painting: yay.
Art History: hard, but i love it.
English: tedious-- pretty sure i took the equivalent of this class in high school.
Comp Sci: i probably know enough to test out of this class... but that's not an option.
whatever. i gotta quit worrying about 2 weeks from now when i don't even know what's in store tomorrow.
tomorrow... dentist, yearly checkup with my pcp, and taking Peanut to the vet. all fun things.
love new chucks :)
that being said, i have a goal for myself: an oldie but a goody, i guess...
i have to quit smoking. i didn't want to start again anyway-- lack of self control, however, caused me to slide back down the slippery slope of nicotine addiction. Other than the obvious reasons (health risks and such), i have a few others...
1. the number one reason in the forefront of my mind: it's preventing me from having a relationship. granted, there are many other things too, but i started thinking about it: i don't want to date a smoker, so i can't expect a non-smoker to be interested in me if i'm still smoking. the particular individual i have in mind has never voiced an opinion of my habit (or of ME for that matter...), so i don't know where he stands-- but i figure it can't hurt to get rid of an unattractive attribute, right??
2. i have children. no, they're not mine, but they do idolize me and look to me for guidance. They don't know i smoke, but that's beside the point: i don't want to do anything that i wouldn't want them to do. (did that make sense?) plus, i think my sisters know i'm smoking again, and they don't need their older sister being a bad influence.
3. it's gross. 90% of the time when i'm smoking i'm disgusted with myself. But like all of my other previous addictions, it's just gotten to a point that i do it because i "need" to-- because it's just part of the routine, part of what i do.
bottom line: i'm going to quit smoking. *cringe* it's not going to be easy. it wasn't the first time. but it has to be done. i've decided i'm going to put post-its up (in my car, room, etc) with my top 3 reasons, try to start running again (that helped tremendously the last time), and hope that all of my friends will do what they can to encourage me.
i'm really torn about going back to New Orleans. I mean... it's home to me now, there's no doubt about that. but my heart is tied to a few things here in St. Louis, and i recollect these ties when i come back to visit.
not to mention, i'm less than excited about classes starting on the 14th. i'm only in 1 studio art class this semester, and those are the classes that keep me sane. let's see what's on the menu for spring... intermediate painting, art history I, english: Brit. Lit 1, and intro to computer science (blech.)
Painting: yay.
Art History: hard, but i love it.
English: tedious-- pretty sure i took the equivalent of this class in high school.
Comp Sci: i probably know enough to test out of this class... but that's not an option.
whatever. i gotta quit worrying about 2 weeks from now when i don't even know what's in store tomorrow.
tomorrow... dentist, yearly checkup with my pcp, and taking Peanut to the vet. all fun things.
love new chucks :)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
uhh... merry christmas... and stuff.
Today is the first day i've been able to just lay around. i was awoken at 9 to open presents... but soon after, and a few cinnamon rolls later, i decided to take a nap. for like 3 hours. it was GLORIOUS. i was all snuggled up in the blanket Carin and Michael gave me, and i just totally crashed. Now i'm wondering where the day has gone... but alas, i do not care.
although i am a bit perturbed... by a few things.
1. Certain people in our church being ridiculous to the point that i want to slap him/her and ask him/her what their problem is exactly. i cannot expand on this without getting angry... so i won't.
2. found out today that this girl i go to church with back in New Orleans is engaged. Exciting, right? yeah, except she's 2 years younger than me, engaged to a guy that's 3 years older than me... i don't know i just think it's kind of ridiculous. Not that there's a big age gap-- i could care less about that-- i just mean that someone as young as she shouldn't be getting married. I mean, she's barely into college... what the heck.
3. I can't stand my family... i mean... Sami's become a royal witch (for lack of a better word), Lizzie's loud and obnoxious (ok, so nothing changed there), and my dad is totally self centered (again, no change...) I feel so bad for my mom. Not to say that she's the perfect wife and mother and never does anything wrong, but the truth is... i don't think she's happy with her life and that makes me sad. I wish my sisters would just listen to her and obey, and my dad would quit being a jerk (again, for lack of a better word) and actually do something good for our family. But i suppose i'm being critical.
anyway. i hate to break it to my st. louis friends, but i really just want to go back to New Orleans, because it really feels more like home than St. Louis does. I mean, i totally miss some of my St. Louis friends and my family (sometimes) when i'm in New Orleans, but being in St. Louis just doesn't even feel right anymore.
right. well. i gotta go have christmas dinner. wOOt.
although i am a bit perturbed... by a few things.
1. Certain people in our church being ridiculous to the point that i want to slap him/her and ask him/her what their problem is exactly. i cannot expand on this without getting angry... so i won't.
2. found out today that this girl i go to church with back in New Orleans is engaged. Exciting, right? yeah, except she's 2 years younger than me, engaged to a guy that's 3 years older than me... i don't know i just think it's kind of ridiculous. Not that there's a big age gap-- i could care less about that-- i just mean that someone as young as she shouldn't be getting married. I mean, she's barely into college... what the heck.
3. I can't stand my family... i mean... Sami's become a royal witch (for lack of a better word), Lizzie's loud and obnoxious (ok, so nothing changed there), and my dad is totally self centered (again, no change...) I feel so bad for my mom. Not to say that she's the perfect wife and mother and never does anything wrong, but the truth is... i don't think she's happy with her life and that makes me sad. I wish my sisters would just listen to her and obey, and my dad would quit being a jerk (again, for lack of a better word) and actually do something good for our family. But i suppose i'm being critical.
anyway. i hate to break it to my st. louis friends, but i really just want to go back to New Orleans, because it really feels more like home than St. Louis does. I mean, i totally miss some of my St. Louis friends and my family (sometimes) when i'm in New Orleans, but being in St. Louis just doesn't even feel right anymore.
right. well. i gotta go have christmas dinner. wOOt.
Monday, December 17, 2007
I miss you, Flasch-Dance
(L-R, Karen Flaschar, daughter Katie , and son Daniel)
51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."
55 "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
55 "Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
I received a text message saturday evening, just as I was walking out the door to go to the Beacon of Hope Christmas party. I opened it thinking it was Merri Kay, telling me to hurry up. Unfortunately, it was not Merri Kay. It was Drew Schmidt, a friend from high school, letting me know that Flasch (Karen Flaschar, our high school choir director and all around at-school "mom") died; apparently she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her neck. Needless to say i felt... i can't really explain. i don't know if i actually felt. i still haven't let myself cry. it's not real yet. i just have this... unexplainable funk. a fog that won't seem to leave, but isn't really serving any more of a purpose other than delaying the grieving process.
i know it seems i shouldn't be this distraught, this... odd feeling over a teacher that i haven't seen in a few years: but i am. The truth is, she was way more than a teacher. She encouraged me to grow in every aspect of the word... she provided the "safe haven" of her office before, during, and after school hours, whether it be to sit and talk or take a nap during study hall when i obviously had other things i was supposed to be doing... she put in more hours than any teacher i know, and always had the time and love (whether she felt like it or not) to stay to help you work on a solo/ensemble piece, or to get down that one part of a song that you were too embarrassed to ask about in class, and not forgetting, of course, her work in the school musicals.
I cannot say enough about who she is and what she did...
i don't know what to feel. rather... i know what i feel but i'm not feeling it... does that make sense?? i'm just... numb. it's all going to come crashing down on me when i get to her visitation wednesday evening. Lucy and I have been talking about it the last two days, and we both feel the same: for some strange reason we're scared- anxious- like something isn't right. Which, Flasch being dead ISN'T right. It goes against everything we've ever known. it's all just so weird.
speaking of weird... friday, the day before i knew anything about Flasch's death, i thought about emailing her. I was listening to a song from the musical "Wicked" -- the one tara and I sang at the talent show our senior year-- and i thought about all the time and help from Flasch, and i thought, i should definitely email her! tell her where i'm at, see how she's doing... and then...
it's just too much.
but i try to keep in mind that she's with Jesus; it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I guess God thought she had done enough here on earth, and he needed a new director for the heavenly choirs. Who would've thought, though, the very thing i've been talking to my kids about i would need to remind myself: God has a plan-- even though we don't always understand it, it is perfect.
as much as i'm not looking forward to the brutality of St. Louis weather, I am excited to go back for a longer, more relaxed visit... as long as i can get through this funeral. i miss my mom, i need hugs from my best friends, and i need some good snuggles from my kitter.
... and now i'm watching The Bourne Identity... because my friend Jane got me the entire Jason Bourne Collection in a super-cool box set. If anybody wants to have a marathon while i'm home, i am TOTALLY game: you better believe Jason's comin' back to St. Louis with me ;)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
sense-lacking-fragmented-brain-fries
i never blog. sorry for those of you who actually check (carin).
i think i would blog more if i could just draw pictures. by the end of the day, i just don't have the words left.
December Harrison Ave. Marketplace was tonight. it went really well... my volunteers have overrun my kids corner booth, and i seriously did nothing during the event. Granted i spent most of the afternoon setting up, but didn't have to stay and paint faces or make ornaments or deal with spoiled children who want their entire body painted and want to make 75 zillion ornaments. anyway. i walked around with merri kay, bought some christmas presents, and enjoyed some eats and drinks. it was actually really nice-- not nearly as stressful as past Marketplaces.
i got all A's this semester. i'm pretty stoked, i won't lie. my drawing teacher said i have a lot of talent and she really enjoys my work, my painting teacher said the same thing in addition to telling me that two of my paintings were the best in the class (and that he expected to see me and my work in advanced painting classes), myenglish teacher told me i didn't even need to take his class because i was obviously already beyond the curriculum (but UNO required me to take it), and my women's studies teacher said she really liked my writing and artwork on our last group project. I mean, i impressed everybody this semester... and to think i was worried about my grades.
well... i was going to include pictures of my artwork, but i keep clicking on the "add image" button and nothing is happening. good. great. wonderous. whatever. nobody actually cares.
what other worthless information can i pass on...
oh, let's talk about the fact that my face looks like a warzone. talk about acne... i mean, i've always had acne. but it's suddenly gone out of control. like, painfully out of control-- and i don't just mean emotionally. i keep getting these clusters of acne on my jawline and it HURTS really bad. i hate it. i want to rip my skin off. there are some mornings i don't even want to get out of bed. as much as i want to meet a guy, i don't even look because my skin is horrible and nobody wants to look at that.
i mean, i've gotten over the fact that i've gained 35 pounds since i've moved here: whatever. i'm going to start going to a pilates studio down the street when i get back from my St. Louis furlough. but i'm not going to diet, i'll tell ya that right now. dieting is for the birds. there's too much freakin' delicious food here to diet.
but my FACE! MY FACE IS DAMAGING MY SOUL. Merri Kay says she doesn't even notice it... i say hello? do you have EYES? i mean... maybe it's not as bad as i think it is... but it is bad. what can i do?? i know i should drink more water, that's one thing. but i'm taking a skin and hair vitamin, i wash my face twice a day, and i use a good skin care system. i mean... what the heck??
does smoking cause acne?
maybe i should quit smoking. again.
but i'm not up for that. again.
i thought about cutting myself the other night. for no particular reason. i thought, i should try it... just once... see what it feels like now. yeah, wow. haven't had a thought like that in years. YEARS. satan is attacking me so bad in so many ways. all of my former addictions are haunting me. satan, you're a punk! don't you know jesus lives in this heart? GET. OUT.
my love for the band Cursive has totally been revived.
i'm reading Prophet by Frank Peretti.
i have the biggest stash of chocolate i've ever had. and i keep forgetting about it.
i don't really want to stay in St. Louis for almost 3 weeks.
my mom told me somehow she might have 1700 dollars for my spring tuition, but wouldn't tell me how or where it came from. that's bothersome.
i love new orleans so much. i'm so glad God brought me here. He totally knows what He's doing... thank goodness, because i sure as heck don't.
i think i would blog more if i could just draw pictures. by the end of the day, i just don't have the words left.
December Harrison Ave. Marketplace was tonight. it went really well... my volunteers have overrun my kids corner booth, and i seriously did nothing during the event. Granted i spent most of the afternoon setting up, but didn't have to stay and paint faces or make ornaments or deal with spoiled children who want their entire body painted and want to make 75 zillion ornaments. anyway. i walked around with merri kay, bought some christmas presents, and enjoyed some eats and drinks. it was actually really nice-- not nearly as stressful as past Marketplaces.
i got all A's this semester. i'm pretty stoked, i won't lie. my drawing teacher said i have a lot of talent and she really enjoys my work, my painting teacher said the same thing in addition to telling me that two of my paintings were the best in the class (and that he expected to see me and my work in advanced painting classes), myenglish teacher told me i didn't even need to take his class because i was obviously already beyond the curriculum (but UNO required me to take it), and my women's studies teacher said she really liked my writing and artwork on our last group project. I mean, i impressed everybody this semester... and to think i was worried about my grades.
well... i was going to include pictures of my artwork, but i keep clicking on the "add image" button and nothing is happening. good. great. wonderous. whatever. nobody actually cares.
what other worthless information can i pass on...
oh, let's talk about the fact that my face looks like a warzone. talk about acne... i mean, i've always had acne. but it's suddenly gone out of control. like, painfully out of control-- and i don't just mean emotionally. i keep getting these clusters of acne on my jawline and it HURTS really bad. i hate it. i want to rip my skin off. there are some mornings i don't even want to get out of bed. as much as i want to meet a guy, i don't even look because my skin is horrible and nobody wants to look at that.
i mean, i've gotten over the fact that i've gained 35 pounds since i've moved here: whatever. i'm going to start going to a pilates studio down the street when i get back from my St. Louis furlough. but i'm not going to diet, i'll tell ya that right now. dieting is for the birds. there's too much freakin' delicious food here to diet.
but my FACE! MY FACE IS DAMAGING MY SOUL. Merri Kay says she doesn't even notice it... i say hello? do you have EYES? i mean... maybe it's not as bad as i think it is... but it is bad. what can i do?? i know i should drink more water, that's one thing. but i'm taking a skin and hair vitamin, i wash my face twice a day, and i use a good skin care system. i mean... what the heck??
does smoking cause acne?
maybe i should quit smoking. again.
but i'm not up for that. again.
i thought about cutting myself the other night. for no particular reason. i thought, i should try it... just once... see what it feels like now. yeah, wow. haven't had a thought like that in years. YEARS. satan is attacking me so bad in so many ways. all of my former addictions are haunting me. satan, you're a punk! don't you know jesus lives in this heart? GET. OUT.
my love for the band Cursive has totally been revived.
i'm reading Prophet by Frank Peretti.
i have the biggest stash of chocolate i've ever had. and i keep forgetting about it.
i don't really want to stay in St. Louis for almost 3 weeks.
my mom told me somehow she might have 1700 dollars for my spring tuition, but wouldn't tell me how or where it came from. that's bothersome.
i love new orleans so much. i'm so glad God brought me here. He totally knows what He's doing... thank goodness, because i sure as heck don't.
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