...

my cousin Jeremy is dying.

any time now i could get a phone call... it may be cliche, but it really is like waiting for the axe to fall. i'm anxious and sad and hate that there's nothing i can do to make a difference. i can't even imagine what my aunt and uncle and his twin Jason are going through... not to mention his wife and kids.

i wish i could be there with the family. i want to be with all of them. i want to say goodbye to him. i want to tell him that i wish we would've talked more. i want to tell him that i love him...

i hate this. i hate feeling like there's never enough time... but it's true. there's never ever enough time with the people we love. i need to stop thinking that people will always be there... start loving people as fully as i can.

i know that death isn't the end... but i'm so scared of losing people i love. i am absolutely terrified.

Thoughts from the hallways.

I recently added a bumpersticker on facebook (yes, i'm "one of those") that says "i know when one door closes another always opens... but man, these hallways are a bitch!" I remember when i first saw it i immediately connected with it-- that's absolutely where my life is right now: a hallway.

I am currently "taking a break" from college... i have yet to determine a length of time to associate with "break," but that is beside the point. Since my newfound freedom from collegiate responsibility in January, i've discovered that there really is life outside of gpa's, final exams, and student numbers; for a perpetual student, it really was hard to grasp.

The past five months have definitely been a time of self-discovery, and even more of a reality check. For the first few months I enjoyed working a few days a week, lounging around the house, and creating artwork at my leisure, while my roommate was off taking hurried notes, struggling to listen to lectures, and cramming for tests. However, i quickly grew restless. I wasn't bored-- don't get me wrong, I can watch reruns of Law and Order SVU for weeks at a time with ease. No, this wasn't boredom... it was a feeling of uselessness: i felt empty, purposeless, and worthless. (Needless to say, it was a very "-less" time).

When i looked at myself i began to see labels: drop-out, failure, lazy, waste of talent. Then i started comparing myself to others-- which is always a mistake. All of my friends had packed schedules-- work, classes, church, volunteering, social events... always busy. I told myself that my life was obviously not good enough because my day planner was full of doodles and the occasional "Work 1-close," instead of being packed full of obligations. As someone who has always lead a busy life, i put value and purpose in "doing."

So, i started praying that God would lead me-- to tell me what i'm supposed to be doing. Constantly praying "God, what's next? What now? Should i do this? How about this??" And i've been so incredibly frustrated i cannot even express it in words.

Until last night.

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone, and she reminded me that "God talks when we least expect it." Well, DUH. I mean, i've learned by now that God is all about the unexpected... but something about the way in which she said it, or maybe the placement in the conversation made it stick with me. Immediately after our phone conversation i felt more at peace than i have in months.

Today after work i busied myself with nonsensical tasks around the house: putting away found treasures from a thrift store (nothing better than second hand junk), cleaning the ceiling fan in the kitchen (horrifyingly disgusting), laundry (the true-life never ending story)...and i stopped to look at myself in the mirror.

"my cup runneth over." (Psalm 23.5) i teared up. it hit me: maybe-- just MAYBE-- i'm not supposed to be DOING anything.

"be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46.10) it's so redundant in Christian sermons that it's nearly cliche... but it is absolute truth, and cannot be ignored.

"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress...in whom i trust." (Psalm 91.2) sometimes when you're taking refuge it's best to lie low and let someone else keep a lookout.

i am just completely in awe. i suddenly feel full of purpose... no, i'm not burning the candle at both ends or have involvement in everything under the sun, but i realize that DOING is not what life is all about. Sometimes God calls us to slow our roll; In these quiet hallways it's easier to hear the slightest whisper, and to take note of the small things that are less visible otherwise. In the words of Erwin McManus: "If Jesus' encounter with the unnamed adulterous woman tells us anything, it reveals the unexpected truth that the safest place for a sinful person to go is to God. [...] God wanted her. God was her place to belong, and this reality became the beginning of new things." (Soul Cravings, entry #13)

Instead of bitching about the hallways, I'm going to start thanking God for giving me a hall-pass, and continue to pray that i enjoy life in Him.

Force Like This

by Out of Eden

Ever since I saw you smile, and talk to you on the phone,
I feel like I could sprint for miles, and new lands I could roam.
Could this be God sending you my way.
If the same faith we're believing, I want this feeling to stay
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

Chorus
Cause I've never known a force like this.
That could bring these two hearts together.
It's amazing and I hope we don't miss,
the mark, 'Cause I'd like to be with you forever.

It seems like you could be the one, the one right for me in time.
I need direction from God above, I need to know that I'm in line.
Cause at love I'm new, and I'm falling for you.
And I don't want to get hurt by the things that you might do.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone could tell me if this love is for real.

Bridge
You bring me joy and put a smile on my face.
When I'm alone with you all my sadness is erased.
If only I could see how you feel.
I wish someone would tell me if this love is for real.

"Let Go and Let God"

it's burning it's burning on fire she cries

for love and affection that passed and has died
the hurt and pain you could see in her eyes
it engulfs her soul, and tortures her mind
in a fight for her life i stretch out my hand
for the pain i know she no longer can stand
"let go and let God" i say out of fear
for the girl that cries dark, lonely tears
now the fire departs, compelled to subside
left no record of joyful thoughts behind
you can't tell with a look, a peek or a glance
but that fire now burns and still burns in her eyes.
By Reuben Foster

(photo taken at NYCAMS 2008)

this love

this love i have for you is different than before.

it seems now i'm walking around

content living life for you

knowing that you're watching me love

loving me back even more.

the smile on my face

and the smile in my heart

can't begin to express my love

this love is more than i can fully understand,

its hard even to recieve

because i know i don't deserve it

i know i never earned it

i know i'll never be good enough

but all that matters to you is that

i'm yours.

it's so much more than just the feelings

it's knowing you have found me

you're in my heart and all around me

and my soul can't get enough

it's fiendish and screaming for you

this love is all i need

this love is how i breathe

it is every part of me

without i don't make sense

this love is who i am.

So... i'm writing a book.

Yes, you read correctly. I am writing a book. Apparently i don't have to have a degree in anything to feel called to write... thanks for believin' in me (and scaring the shit out of me), God.
Anyway, the book is titled "For the Artists' Wayward Soul." I haven't really developed anything that appears to be a book yet... just a lot of notes and journaled thoughts and such. But i thought i would post some of those random snip-its. I've definitely started looking up applicable scripture, but have yet to intertwine it.

So... here we go...

***
I browse row after row of books, wanting so badly to find exactly what I need. To find a book that says something about an Artists' soul. But it's never there.
The shelves are packed with plenty of books for mothers, single women, sports fanatics, teens... all directing the readers to their soul needs and purpose. There's even a small collection of books pertaining to the use of art as worship-- reiterating over and over that we as artists have been given "the gift of creativity," and only sometimes acknowledging the fact that it's not merely a "gift," but a dominant trait inherited 100% from God. And I absolutely cannot forget to mention the elite, radical few books that genuinely challenge the Christian artist to expand far beyond the small world of coined "Christian" art
It's not that I don't appreciate those authors' insights and time spent to further inspire fellow Christians… but I think it’s time for more. Time for complete honesty, vulnerability, and raw reality.

…


ARTISTS ARE PASSIONATE. Have you ever noticed that people are attracted to artists? Not just he college guys in hoodies and Birkenstocks with their guitars, strumming out the same three chords to woo the ladies… but the artists. The musician that composes music because there are no words to rightfully express his feelings. The painter who drops out of college to have more time for her art because it’s the only thing that really makes sense. The dancer who cries after hours of practicing, not out of pain, but from the overload of emotions she has just endured.
ARTISTS ARE PASSIONATE. It’s a blessing and a curse… while it is passion that drives us-- fuels our creativity, floods the brain with emotion, opinion, and ideas-- it is also the source of our spiritual downfall. As passionate people, we open the door for sin to come meandering.
The very definition of “passion” has a very widespread meaning. We use this singular word to describe intense and compelling feelings such as hate and love. Then there’s “passion” in the erotic sense: propensity toward sexual love, lust, and restless desire. But then Webster’s lists “passion” in a theological context as a general reference to the sufferings of Christ leading up to and on the cross. It almost seems as if somewhere along the way, they (whoever “they” are) could have made up a new word to separate the erotic “passion” from the Jesus -suffering “passion.” I mean, really. Those two topics should never cross paths. …or should they?
Think about the emotion that drives lust-- that fiery, intense desire toward another person. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s hard to express. It’s like someone has taken over your brain, and all you can think about is that person. But not just that person-- you and that person. It’s almost like a complete loss of mental control. The brain and the heart just take that fiery desire and run, leaving your moral being in the dust muttering something about how you shouldn’t and that… whatever. You stopped listening anyway.
So. Right. Think about that emotion-- that gripping, mind-altering, uncontainable, thriving THRILL.
And then think about the sufferings of Christ. I know, it’s probably insanely uncomfortable…but really. The two actually belong together. Not just because thinking of Jesus, bloody and dying on the cross, will halt your lustful self in its tracks, but because the same enthralling emotion is there in that suffering. Christ took a world full of sin to that cross. He not only felt the incessant temptation we feel in moments of erotic passion, but the painful, heart breaking endings to succumbing to lust. There were a hell of a lot of intense, overwhelming, and powerful emotions that followed him to that cross.

PASSION is Christ’s suffering.
PASSION is zeal, for whatever it is God has put in your heart.
PASSION is the propensity for LOVE.

…and artists are absolutely FULL of it.
***

That's all the comprehensible content i have at the moment... the rest are still only scribbled thoughts splattered across a half-dozen pages in an unlined journal.
But i'm SO excited about it. I really feel God with me when i'm writing... when i re-read some of my notes it almost feels like i'm reading the idea for the first time, instead of re-reading an idea of my own. It's so thrilling and encouraging to feel God working through me.

Please pray for me, though. I've already started to feel the effects of doing something for God... the unavoidable spiritual warfare. I've had moments of inexplicable, overwhelming fear and anxiety... and, of course, the endless temptation to fall into old habits. It's interesting writing about the Artists' Wayward Soul... but a little dangerous at the same time.

because sometimes songs say it best...

i can almost see it
that dream i'm dreaming
but there's a voice inside my head
sayin' you'll never reach it
every step i'm taking
every move i make feels
lost with no direction
my faith is shakin' but i
i gotta keep trying
gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

the struggles i'm facing
the chances i'm taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no i'm not breaking
i may not now it but these are the moments
that i'm going to remember most, yeah
just gotta keep going
and i gotta be strong
just keep pushing on, 'cause...

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

twenty-somethingness

i feel like a moody pre-teen.
one minute everything is great... the next i feel like my world is about to end...or wish it was about to end...

apparently i'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently this is the time of life when people go all cuckoo-existential trying to figure out who they are and where they belong in the world.
apparently 22-25 is a "pivotal time" when really big things happen.
apparently being a 20-something is like being in that awkward middle school stage all over again.

right so let's just cover the basics here...
i'm living paycheck to paycheck.
i have no idea what i want to do with my life...now OR whenever i finally graduate.
i'm an emotional train wreck... or maybe rollercoaster... or maybe a glass elevator...
i'm completely indecisive. about anything.
my life is boring... but overwhelming at the same time.
at least once a day i feel like crying and saying "i want my mommy."

but thank god for friends.
the miracles are in the details.

amy winehouse speaks my mind...

" We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not f*ck myself in the head with stupid men.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own."

HOW. FREAKIN. SWEET.

ok ok ok ... so. this is so cool.
kayla and i were looking for a house on craigslist... we found the CUTEST green four-plex for rent. 3 br, 1 bath, washer and dryer, kitchen with a stove, fridge, and a little fireplace, and a little yard. . . 800 dollars a month. SO. if we end up with a 3rd roommate, it's only 266 a month for each of us!! omg AWESOME! then we found out... it's in the 9th ward. we were like oh crap. well... that won't work. but THEN, my friend, Stephen, came in to work and... long story short, he not only knows the guy who's renting the house, he knows everyone who lives in the rest of the four-plex! He said pretty much that whole block goes to church where he interns, at St. Roch's Community Church, and that God is really moving in that neighborhood. AHHHHHH! i freaked out. HOW awesome is that??
the story is actually way more entertaining if you hear me tell it... because i get really excited and i start flailing my arms and going nuts... but you get the gist. super cool.

so me and kayla and margy (probable 3rd roommie) are meeting ben (renter) at the AWESOME green house on friday to give him our applications and see the place. . . yaaaaay!

it never stops...

i have returned to a season of insecurity.
i'm taking this semester off from school, against my better judgement. something inside tells me that ultimately, it's probably not the best idea... but after talking it through with my mother, i've realized that it is what is best for me right now. i'm mentally, emotionally, and financially drained. i need some rest. although i will (hopefully) be working full time, it's a different application of my energies.
part of me even wonders if i'm just not meant to get a degree... maybe i'm one of those people who will never finish school, but will be happy and be able to get by... the truth is, i'm an artist. i don't need a degree to make me what i already am. Everybody keeps asking me, condescendingly, "you don't want to work at Starbucks your whole life, do you?" and i'm like well... i dunno. what if i do? what if i want to make your coffee and paint for the rest of my life? is that a crime? i enjoy the simpler things in life...and i wish my life, in general, were simpler.
which brings me to my housing situation... my lease is up next month, and my roommates are disbursing. so i either need to find people to take their places, or i need to find a place to live. As i'm looking for a place to live, i keep thinking... i need to downsize. i need to get rid of my excessive material possession that keeps me from being able to just pick up and move. Yes, i want to have what i need... my easel included...but i also don't want to have excess. it's time to throw stuff away. keeping things for sentimental purposes is almost unnecessary... i have those memories embedded in my heart, i don't need to hold onto a ticket stub or a scrap of paper to remember. With my newfound free time, i'm going to explore the world of simplicity.
simplicity, and the Lord. i've not fully left him...just tried to hide from him in my circumstantial happiness. but when those circumstances start to change, i remember the most important aspect of my life that never changes. God has always provided for me. financially, emotionally, spiritually... i'm a wanderer. it's not that i don't know what's right for me... i just have a hard time staying on track. i need to realign every now and then.

anyhow. so, once again, i'm in a place where nothing is secure or certain...but once again God has given me a peace about it. I'm not worried. Even if it comes down to the wire and i still haven't found a place to live, i know enough people that love me and will house me until an opportunity opens up.