from Manfred by Lord Byron

" MANFRED
The lamp must be replenish'd, but even then
It will not burn so long as I must watch.
My slumbers-- if I slumber-- are not sleep,
But a continuance of enduring thought,
Which then I can resist not: in my heart
There is a vigil, and these eyes but close
To look within; and yet I live, and bear
The aspect and the form of breathing men.
But grief should be the instructor of the wise;
Sorrow is knowledge: they who know the most     10
Must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth,
The Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life.
Philosophy and science, and the springs
Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world,
I have essay'd, and in my mind there is
A power to make these subject to itself--
But they avail not: I have done men good,
And I have met with good even among men--
But this avail'd not: I have had my foes,
And none have baffled, many fallen before me--     20
But this avail'd not: Good, or evil, life,
Powers, passions, all I see in other beings,
Have been to me as rain unto the sands,
Since that all-nameless hour. I have no dread,
And feel the curse to have no natural fear
Nor fluttering throb, that beats with hopes or wishes
Or lurking love of something on the earth. "

[i find myself seeping through the cracks of 18th C. /early 19th C.
British literature...

maybe it's because that, along with Art history, are currently my
only literary intake,
but i cannot help but linger upon my keen desire for Gothic literature.
Not the depressing,
suicidal screams for help as most people associate with the word "Gothic,"
but rather it's
actual meaning, and it's actual influence on art, both visual and written.
Not a scream, but a whisper--
A Dark corner in a vibrant landscape of sublimity--
a battle of God, spirituality, and self.]

[I am in everything I read. I am in every piece of artwork I view,
thus, the wonderful result of being blessed with a creative soul. ]

my two cents...

thanks to Andy i have something to appease my boredom and inability sleep...


Two names you go by… Desiree and Miss Desi :)

Two things you are wearing right now… yoga pants and a tshirt with my initials on it.

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship… trust and respect sound pretty good to me!

Two of your favorite things to do… paint and be outside in the sun

Two things you want very badly at the moment… to be done with gen-ed classes and to hug my mamma.

Two pets you have or have had… Louie and Fleck / Phoebe and Peanut

Two things that you did last night… ate at Juan's Flying Burrito and watched the Italian Job

Two people you think will fill this out... nobody.

Two things you ate today… leftover Juan's for breakfast and eggs for dinner :)

Two people you last talked to… Nick and Casie

Two things you’re doing tomorrow… Finishing a painting and CRU prayer meeting

Two longest car rides… Detroit and West Palm Beach

Two favorite holidays… Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two favorite beverages… Coffee and water

Two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to… Jesus and Marilyn Monroe... we'd all three have coffee together, for sure.

"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

..."Let the Good Times Roll"...


(me and casie)

so, i was selfishly upset because i wanted to go to a ton of parades the last few weeks, but couldn't because i had the boys. well, monday night the boys' grandpa watched them and i went with Merri Kay and Jane to Krewe of Proteus and Orpheus uptown on St. Charles and it was AMAZING. First of all, it's an awesome community event-- seeing a ton of people out doing the same thing you are, waiting to see the same parades... it's hard to explain, but there's such a sense of unity. It's pretty easy to just strike up a conversation with complete strangers here in New Orleans anyway, but at parades it's even easier. We were camped out in front of Jane's friends' house, so we not only had access to a clean bathroom, but free food and drinks! We had some red beans and rice, grabbed a couple beers, and stood for 3 hours with our arms in the air screaming for beads. I ended up with a BUNCH. it was so so so so fun! Not to mention the floats are BEAUTIFUL. I was going to take pictures, but i was too excited to stop and pick up my camera.
THEN on Mardi Gras day the boys and i went over to their aunt and uncle's house, which is blocks away from the main parade route in Metairie (more "family-friendly" parades). It was a blast. Their cousin, Casie, Aunt Arlene, and I all got new orleans' famous daiquiris, and just had a great time with the family. The parades went from noon until about 5. . . it was crazy but SO fun. I caught a lot of beads (including some really cool ones), a stuffed animal, a garter, a foam "captain morgan" hat, and a purple, green and gold feather boa. It was such an amazing experience!!! I cannot wait until next year. I mean, i've always read and heard that Mardi Gras is an awesome time to live in New Orleans, but i didn't realize just how much until i was a part of it.
Needless to say, though, it was rough getting to class this morning. Mardi Gras recovery is the worst part... and the fact that UNO is the ONLY school down here that actually had classes today. I showed up for my first class... but i totally didn't make it to my second one. I went home to eat lunch during my break and ended up falling asleep. Oh well. it's the first class i've skipped since i've been at UNO, i don't think it'll kill me.

on a different note, i'm ready for my two weeks off. Bill is supposed to be home tomorrow (please, God), and i am absolutely beyond ready. i feel like i've been working for more than two weeks... i guess it's because the boys have been acting out more. And Mitchell's been sick. and Will's been deaf... excuse me, i believe a better term would be "selective hearing." *rolls eyes*
count it all joy. count it all joy. count it all joy...

i'll be back in st. louis in 8 days! ya'll better warm it up for me... i can't handle any more of that cold nonsense.

i. need. a. break. NOW.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED I CANNOT EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

Today started off ok... i got to go back to bed after i took the boys to school and slept for a couple hours before heading to class. I even finished my computer science lab super early and headed over to the UC for lunch with my friend Jessica. It was all really great until after lunch... i headed to the grocery store close to campus to get a bunch of stuff we needed at the house. Halfway thru my shopping, Bill calls me, and asks me if i can go get Will. Apparently Will had an early release day today, but did not inform me, and instead called his dad and told him I wasn't there to pick him up. Wow, that looks really good, huh? I just told him, I was sorry, that Will didn't tell me, etc... so i guess that went over fine.
But the boys have been pretty disobedient all day, the dog is annoying me, i can't go to a parade tonight with my friends because i don't have anyone to watch the kids, and to top it all off, i baked chicken for dinner-- a whole chicken with cornbread stuffing (i didn't do it myself-- i bought it like that, lol). I baked it for about an hour and a half, spent time making mashed potatoes and green beans, and then... the boys don't want what i made. I AM SO MAD. I had to practically force Mitchell to eat it, and Will won't. There's nothing more frustrating than spending time on a meal for someone, only for them to tell me it's gross and they don't like it and they don't want it. I told them too bad, so sad. Eat what i made or don't eat at all, kapische?

i need to paint. i'm gonna turn on a movie for the heathen children, lock myself in the back, and exert some internalized aggression.

from past pages of my prayer journal

dated 01/13/07
God, you are awesome. Even when it feels like everything is wrong and my world is dark and depressed, you reach through and give me strength--even if it's just enough to get through the day.
i'm tired.
i'm depressed.
i'm bored with life
and you know that.
Thank you in advance for the help you're sending my way-- and thank you for the hope and faith that gives me strength. i love you.

dated 01/16/07
Take my anxiety, my depression, my worries, my fears-- EVERYTHING. I can't handle them, but i know you can.
Take my talents, my desires, my dreams-- use them for your glory. Give my thoughts and words and art-- use it for what you want--fulfill my purpose.
Where do you want me to go? Guide me, God, i'm longing to hear your voice and feel your hand of guidance.

What do you want me to do? Speak to me--inspire me--motivate me to move with your will.

Provide only as you can-- take my mind away from worry about what i'll eat or wear or how i'll pay for school-- you take care of all of creation without a cent of payment and i know i am more precious to you than a flower or a bird. Console me: i do not fear because you are with me. Please strengthen and help me.
Help me to offer every part of my life as a sacrifice to you--not to work and exist for the purpose of others, but to do everything to bring you honor. I pray for the courage to follow through.
Grant me a serenity that only you provide. Amidst a storm within my daily life, you know the outcome. As your child EVERYTHING WORKS OUT as long as i trust and believe in you. Remove my worries and replace them with reassurance that you ARE there looking after me and working everything for the best.
You are incredible, God. Your power and glory are completely unfathomable-- even more so, your mercy and grace and patience. Thank you for listening and responding--for being a God that communicates.

i love you.

dated 02/08/07
Thank you, God for the good days.
Thank you for reminding me that even amid overwhelming problems, you grant a grounded, sustaining peace.
Thank you for giving me humbling moments-- and the attitude it takes to accept and learn from those moments.
Thank you for those "fate" moments when someone is in the right place at the right time.
Thank you for being the only original artist, and granting us, as your work, appreciation and inspiration to create. Thank your for giving me your fantastic trait of creativity.
Thank you for holding me when it seems like no one else will.
Thank you for renewing me each day-- Help me to live accordingly.
Thank you for your immense, everlasting, unconditional love.
Help me to show that love to others.

dated 05/06/07
(quote from the Barbarian Way by McManus, p 90)
"We civilize our children rather than guide them to the Barbarian Way. I am concerned that there are many who have grown up in church and have been effectively Christianized but have never genuinely met Christ.

Our goal must not be to populate the Christian religion, but to bring people into a genuine relationship with God."

dated 08/29/07

Psalm 63:6-8
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

1 Peter 4:12- 13, 19
"Dear friend, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

dated 09/16/07
Let your words flow from me
put the words in my mouth
and
the love in my heart
and
your utter glory in my life.

You continually humble me
with your abounding faithfulness
which i do not understand.

Hold me still in your arms,
remind me who i am
and to whom i belong.
Place your hand on my heart
and your life in my lungs.
i run free without fear of
tomorrow.

Love me, Jesus,
in the way only you can.
I am hurting--
but you are my healer
and friend in every season.

01/21/08

i have been inspired by my own encounters with the Lord.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for God-incidents,
for reminders,
for fulfilling your promises,
and most of all, your love.
I pray i continue to walk with you through your strength.

a list for my troubles, a penny for my thoughts

1. my anxiety and depression is rearing its ugly head... and all i want to do is not feel like i'm bipolar. one minute i feel happy as a hippo and the next i'm stressed and just feel like crying and lying in my bed for a week. or two. or ten.

2. i'm a failure. i bought a pack of cigarettes. but it made me ill so i guess that's a good thing.

3. the boys are NOT LISTENING TO ME and it's driving me absolutely INSANE. Every time i asked Mitchell to do something today, i had to say it at least 5 times... not to mention a couple of times he just stood there, sighed, and said, "AWW COME ONNNN" in a whiny voice that makes me want to scream. Seriously now... this has GOT to stop.

4. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. I wish i could've known about a fourth of this last week when i was doing nothing but being bored out of my skull. I'm trying to just get into the swing of things, because usually once i get going i start loving the business and the adrenaline rush of being overwhelmed... but right now it just sucks. The anxiety of it is making me shut down. I don't know how on earth i'm going to get homework done this semester; i have 3 academic classes instead of just 2-- which means a lot more reading/writing homework. I'm usually helping the boys with their homework until about 5:30 or 6, then i make dinner, do dishes, make sure the kids get their baths, and try (TRY TRY TRY) to get them in bed by 9 (but that NEVER happens because they are so bad about stalling bedtime). But then by 9 i have to go around and pick up the house, take the dog out, do my own homework, do yoga (it HAS to be a permanent piece of my schedule), and take a shower. By the time all that's done it's like... 5am. lol. i don't know how this is going to work.

5. And to top it all off... i'm having like NO quiet times. My schedule is chaotic and even though quiet time is what i need the most right now, it's like the last thing on my to do list... which is probably why i feel like everything is going wrong... i'm too focused on myself and not enough on the Lord.

((God, please take this dark cloud away from my life. Keep me focused. Help me to notice the moments you give me to read your word and spend more time with you.))

"Louie Louie, oh no me gotta go, Aye-yi-yi-yi!"

This is Louie.

Louie was one of Will and Mitchell's Christmas presents.
Louie is only a few months old.
Louie is small enough to fit in my purse.
Louie is absolutely adorable.

but...

Louie is not house trained.
Louie does not know when it is ok to bark and when to stop.
Louie does not even know his own name.
and nobody asked me if i was ok with Louie.

I guess that's what it all boils down to ... i mean, i LOVE animals-- anyone who knows me at all knows that i am a sucker for a cute fuzzy something. But here's my big problem: I am the caretaker for this family 50% of the time. When decisions about changes in lifestyle arise, i would like to have at least 50% of a voice in the matter, whether my opinion changes the outcome or not. It's not about me having my way, it's about being recognized for who i am in the family-- essentially, a mother figure. Since the beginning i have been accepted as family, let in on family secrets and stories and the works... but not being asked but TOLD about this change in my living and working environment is a little painful. i'm really just hurt that, in the instant when Bill made this decision, i was no longer family, but the nanny who lives here and makes sure stuff gets done. That probably wasn't the thought process at all-- but that's kind of how i feel. I mean, essentially, he's just given me another child to care for, only this one's a BABY: make sure he makes it outside to potty, clean up his messes when he doesn't, make sure he stays out of trouble... i've got to establish feeding and potty schedules, discipline him, and make sure the boys aren't reversing my disciplinary actions... Not to mention he's a HUGE distraction to Will. I mean, it's hard to get that kid focused ANYWAY-- and now all he wants to do is play with Louie...

Geeze i sound like my mother. Now i know how she felt all those times i asked for dogs and fish and hamsters and whatevers...
This is God showing his sense of humor is what it is: placing me in a motherly position for two children that are very similar to my sisters, and then giving me all these little parental trials, saying "this is for giving your mom a hard time...THIS is for thinking you knew how to be a better parent than your mother... oh, and this one is just funny."

i'm trying so hard just to enjoy it. Hopefully we'll have some kind of something worked out before Bill leaves a week from Tuesday. And i need to not think about myself... i'm probably just being selfish. *count it all joy, count it all joy, count it all joy...*

[[we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor]]

Are you tired of dreaming about your ex-boyfriend every night? Sick of waking up thinking you're pregnant--again? Wish you could just have dreams of watching yourself sleep?

...yeah, me too. Just don't watch Harry Potter before you go to bed-- that definitely doesn't help.

[[and now back to our feature presentation]]

Classes start tomorrow. Which means i should actually be asleep already, but... too bad so sad. When Bill's home he normally puts the boys to bed, but he had to run out to the boys' grandparents' house (an hour away) to pick up Will's medicine, which he accidentally left there over the weekend-- so i had to make sure the kids were showered and in bed, etc. Well, after an arduous bath/shower time, i read a devotion to the boys, prayed, and tucked them in. Then i did yoga, took a shower, and the next thing i know it was 12. baaaaaa. oh well.

i'm excited to start class tomorrow, though. i know it'll be all the preliminary meet-your-teacher-get-your-syllabus-do-stupid-paperwork-and-surveys classes for the first few days, but, i'm still excited to get back into the swing of things. i'm supposed to meet with the two other Campus Crusade leaders this week to figure out when we're gonna do weekly prayer meetings and bible studies and on-campus events this semester... not to mention i need to get to work on 2 paintings that i've commissioned myself to do (and would like to have done before i'm back in STL again in February so that they can tag along and find good little homes). It's a good thing i had a long, fun, sleep-filled break... because tomorrow is the beginning of a jam-packed-no-sleep-lots-of-work-at-home-and-at-school-all-the-time couple of months.

i gotta start reading my bible more: i'm gonna need it.
i'm out like a light.

PS. i've been thinking... i haven't been on a date since this summer. i haven't been on a date with someone other than a pervert or a stalker since way before that. i haven't really dated in 2 years and some months. and i've decided... i really want to go on a date!
... or at least have a date to emily's wedding.
something.