because sometimes songs say it best...

i can almost see it
that dream i'm dreaming
but there's a voice inside my head
sayin' you'll never reach it
every step i'm taking
every move i make feels
lost with no direction
my faith is shakin' but i
i gotta keep trying
gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

the struggles i'm facing
the chances i'm taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no i'm not breaking
i may not now it but these are the moments
that i'm going to remember most, yeah
just gotta keep going
and i gotta be strong
just keep pushing on, 'cause...

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes i'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about whats waitin' on the other side
its the climb

twenty-somethingness

i feel like a moody pre-teen.
one minute everything is great... the next i feel like my world is about to end...or wish it was about to end...

apparently i'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently this is the time of life when people go all cuckoo-existential trying to figure out who they are and where they belong in the world.
apparently 22-25 is a "pivotal time" when really big things happen.
apparently being a 20-something is like being in that awkward middle school stage all over again.

right so let's just cover the basics here...
i'm living paycheck to paycheck.
i have no idea what i want to do with my life...now OR whenever i finally graduate.
i'm an emotional train wreck... or maybe rollercoaster... or maybe a glass elevator...
i'm completely indecisive. about anything.
my life is boring... but overwhelming at the same time.
at least once a day i feel like crying and saying "i want my mommy."

but thank god for friends.
the miracles are in the details.

amy winehouse speaks my mind...

" We coulda never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,

I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not f*ck myself in the head with stupid men.

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And it's OK,
In this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own."

HOW. FREAKIN. SWEET.

ok ok ok ... so. this is so cool.
kayla and i were looking for a house on craigslist... we found the CUTEST green four-plex for rent. 3 br, 1 bath, washer and dryer, kitchen with a stove, fridge, and a little fireplace, and a little yard. . . 800 dollars a month. SO. if we end up with a 3rd roommate, it's only 266 a month for each of us!! omg AWESOME! then we found out... it's in the 9th ward. we were like oh crap. well... that won't work. but THEN, my friend, Stephen, came in to work and... long story short, he not only knows the guy who's renting the house, he knows everyone who lives in the rest of the four-plex! He said pretty much that whole block goes to church where he interns, at St. Roch's Community Church, and that God is really moving in that neighborhood. AHHHHHH! i freaked out. HOW awesome is that??
the story is actually way more entertaining if you hear me tell it... because i get really excited and i start flailing my arms and going nuts... but you get the gist. super cool.

so me and kayla and margy (probable 3rd roommie) are meeting ben (renter) at the AWESOME green house on friday to give him our applications and see the place. . . yaaaaay!

it never stops...

i have returned to a season of insecurity.
i'm taking this semester off from school, against my better judgement. something inside tells me that ultimately, it's probably not the best idea... but after talking it through with my mother, i've realized that it is what is best for me right now. i'm mentally, emotionally, and financially drained. i need some rest. although i will (hopefully) be working full time, it's a different application of my energies.
part of me even wonders if i'm just not meant to get a degree... maybe i'm one of those people who will never finish school, but will be happy and be able to get by... the truth is, i'm an artist. i don't need a degree to make me what i already am. Everybody keeps asking me, condescendingly, "you don't want to work at Starbucks your whole life, do you?" and i'm like well... i dunno. what if i do? what if i want to make your coffee and paint for the rest of my life? is that a crime? i enjoy the simpler things in life...and i wish my life, in general, were simpler.
which brings me to my housing situation... my lease is up next month, and my roommates are disbursing. so i either need to find people to take their places, or i need to find a place to live. As i'm looking for a place to live, i keep thinking... i need to downsize. i need to get rid of my excessive material possession that keeps me from being able to just pick up and move. Yes, i want to have what i need... my easel included...but i also don't want to have excess. it's time to throw stuff away. keeping things for sentimental purposes is almost unnecessary... i have those memories embedded in my heart, i don't need to hold onto a ticket stub or a scrap of paper to remember. With my newfound free time, i'm going to explore the world of simplicity.
simplicity, and the Lord. i've not fully left him...just tried to hide from him in my circumstantial happiness. but when those circumstances start to change, i remember the most important aspect of my life that never changes. God has always provided for me. financially, emotionally, spiritually... i'm a wanderer. it's not that i don't know what's right for me... i just have a hard time staying on track. i need to realign every now and then.

anyhow. so, once again, i'm in a place where nothing is secure or certain...but once again God has given me a peace about it. I'm not worried. Even if it comes down to the wire and i still haven't found a place to live, i know enough people that love me and will house me until an opportunity opens up.

how i almost burnt my grandparents' house down

yes, you read right... and let me just say ahead of time, it's really NOT my fault. Last night when i took my jewelry off i hung my spoon necklace and big hoop earrings from the nightlight in the bathroom. i do it all the time at my friends' house, and it's no big deal so i didn't think anything of it. i went to bed. i slept AMAZING. i woke up, went in the bathroom and was like "god what's that smell... smells like something BURNED in here..." i look at the wall, it's like CHARRED right around the outlet and my necklace and earrings are GONE. i'm freaking out. my grandma informed me that when she went in the bathroom earlier and switched the light on, the nightlight and outlet started sparking and then there were big flames. she screamed for my grandpa. and i was asleep the whole time.
needless to say my earrings and necklace are no more... at least the spoon charm on my necklace was salvaged-- i only lost the chain. but geeze. what an eventful first day of vaca, huh?

but seriously... did that sound like it was my fault?? i mean, i was asleep the whole time!

so i suck at blogging...

Between the hellish fall semester (which is FINALLY over, thank GOD), work, and my developing social life, it's been hard to find time to blog.

i mean, seriously ya'll, i didn't know being 21 was so fun! don't get me wrong-- the fact that i barely made rent this month was stressful. but it's better than the stress of playing Mom to two kids. I do not regret anything.

so right... i LOVE my job. Let me go ahead and risk sounding like a nerd and let you know that 90% of the time work is like a part of my social life. We're all pretty much like one big dysfunctional family. seriously. i love it. i love my coworkers...some more than others, but hey...what's a dysfunctional family without playing favorites?? lol
not to mention i spend a lot of my time off at work too... i mean, who can turn down free coffee and good company?

So yeah.
job = good. (job+more hours= even better...lol)
friends = awesome.
semester over = BEST THING EVER. hahaha...

ok. well. i'm out to arizona for christmas. sorry to you STL ppl who were hoping i'd be there for the holidays... i might head up that way before classes start in january if i can afford it.