how i almost burnt my grandparents' house down

yes, you read right... and let me just say ahead of time, it's really NOT my fault. Last night when i took my jewelry off i hung my spoon necklace and big hoop earrings from the nightlight in the bathroom. i do it all the time at my friends' house, and it's no big deal so i didn't think anything of it. i went to bed. i slept AMAZING. i woke up, went in the bathroom and was like "god what's that smell... smells like something BURNED in here..." i look at the wall, it's like CHARRED right around the outlet and my necklace and earrings are GONE. i'm freaking out. my grandma informed me that when she went in the bathroom earlier and switched the light on, the nightlight and outlet started sparking and then there were big flames. she screamed for my grandpa. and i was asleep the whole time.
needless to say my earrings and necklace are no more... at least the spoon charm on my necklace was salvaged-- i only lost the chain. but geeze. what an eventful first day of vaca, huh?

but seriously... did that sound like it was my fault?? i mean, i was asleep the whole time!

so i suck at blogging...

Between the hellish fall semester (which is FINALLY over, thank GOD), work, and my developing social life, it's been hard to find time to blog.

i mean, seriously ya'll, i didn't know being 21 was so fun! don't get me wrong-- the fact that i barely made rent this month was stressful. but it's better than the stress of playing Mom to two kids. I do not regret anything.

so right... i LOVE my job. Let me go ahead and risk sounding like a nerd and let you know that 90% of the time work is like a part of my social life. We're all pretty much like one big dysfunctional family. seriously. i love it. i love my coworkers...some more than others, but hey...what's a dysfunctional family without playing favorites?? lol
not to mention i spend a lot of my time off at work too... i mean, who can turn down free coffee and good company?

So yeah.
job = good. (job+more hours= even better...lol)
friends = awesome.
semester over = BEST THING EVER. hahaha...

ok. well. i'm out to arizona for christmas. sorry to you STL ppl who were hoping i'd be there for the holidays... i might head up that way before classes start in january if i can afford it.

this semester sucks.

I. HATE. SCHOOL.

seriously

...what the hell is wrong with me?

nevermind. i already know the answer.





i just don't want to talk about it.

more than once upon a time

sometimes it's good.
sometimes it's so bad.

sometimes i'm just trying to get through the day...
sometimes i wish i could just die and leave it all behind.

sometimes i feel too alive.
sometimes i feel slightly dead inside.

sometimes i do stupid shit and then wonder why it backfires.
sometimes i don't do anything and wonder why nothing happens.

sometimes i just want to be 5 years old again...
but most days i wish i was old, married, and retired already.

but more than sometimes i just want to be held. loved. taken care of.
more than sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life, and who i really am.

let's cut to the chase:

I'M NOT A NANNY ANYMORE!! WOOHOO! PRAISE THE LORD!
i mean... i will miss the job and the children terribly...

truth is, i do kinda miss the kids. and i miss having a job that i already know the ins-and-outs of. but in all honesty, i am completely glad to be moving on.

i spent my first official night at my new place last saturday...so it's almost been a week. and i love it. my bed will be much more comfortable once i pick up my mattress tomorrow (right now i'm sleeping on a 4" slab of foam... not so nice). and my room is small...but it's mine. i bought the bed (loft bed with a desk underneath), i bought the mattress, and i will eventually buy a dresser to put all of my clothes in. (next paycheck??) i love living with Brandy, Kristy, and Sarah (and Dot and Fifi, of course), and I love being responsible for only me, myself, and i.
then i started my new job at Starbucks (by Lakeside Mall) this past wednesday!! It's awesome. I really like my manager, and i really like most of the employees i've met so far. My first day i met Ansley, who is training too. . . she's a Christian!! She goes to the Baptist Seminary here. We crammed as much talking as we could into our 10 minute break, when i found out she's involved with BCM on Tulane's campus, she's done a few semester mission trips, and her getting the job at SBUX was a total "God thing." Which, of course, got me all excited... i was like "ME TOO! OH MY GOSH I AM SO EXCITED!!" Then she tells me Kayla, whom i still haven't met, goes to the seminary too! PTL i am working with Christians... it's so exciting!! I just keep praying that God will continue to encourage me... i got kind of upset tonight because the training isn't really going the way i'd like it to... i don't really feel like i'm learning anything. I'd like to either be really rigorously trained or just thrown into the mix to figure it out, but standing around is just annoying and boring. Plus there's a girl that works there that i kinda know from UNO...and she's sort of intimidating. she has a very outgoing personality, and she just kind of dominates when she's there... but it's whatever. i need to just get over it. (oh, side note: the guy that delivers the milk is hot as HELL. seriously. it should be illegal for the milkman to be that stinkin' beautiful.)

anyway so yeah... that's my life in a nutshell right now. of course there's the little things... school is crazy-stressful. i have a test coming up in World History and i'm pretty sure i haven't learned a darn thing in that class... i couldn't even begin to tell you what one of the lectures were about, b/c they never stay on topic. i gotta bust a painting out in about a week (do-able). my psych class seems more like a biology class (UGH). Human Sexuality is a required class for anyone wanting to progress in psych classes... which is fine with me. but for right now it's basically like a sex-ed class: anatomy, diseases, procedures, birth control, blah blah blahhhh... i hate it so much. my friend Casie and i spend the entire lecture coloring and doing crossword puzzles. my english class is good... i love that i can totally b.s. my way through english classes. it's pretty much awesome. but shh! don' tell nobodies!

oh! ok, so i didn't buy a parking decal this semester b/c it's almost pointless... you pay 90 bucks, stick it permanently on your car, and spend 20 minutes looking for a parking place every morning, and you end up about a mile or two away from where you need to be. so, really, you might as well park off campus for free, right? Well, someone told me that you could park on the street that runs in front of the UC w/o a parking decal... well, they were WRONG. i definitely got a $50 ticket today. GRRRRRR. just one more thing i have to spend money on. great. fantastic. thank you, UNO! no, no, thank you, really, because i haven't given you enough of my non-existent money already...

aaaaaand on that extremely sarcastic and bitter note, i will bid you all adieu as i head up (yes, 5 feet up, to be exact) to bed.

what does it mean to abide?

((John 15: 1-11))

a·bide /əˈbaɪd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[uh-bahyd] a·bode or a·bid·ed, a·bid·ing.
–verb (used without object) ((it's an action))

1.	to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.

2.	to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.

3.	to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; to last.

–verb (used with object)

4.	to put up with; tolerate; stand: I can't abide dishonesty!

5.	to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting: to abide a vigorous onslaught.

6.	to wait for; await: to abide the coming of the Lord.

7.	to accept without opposition or question: to abide the verdict of the judges.

8.	to pay the price or penalty of; suffer for.

—Verb phrase

9.	abide by, a. to act in accord with. b. to submit to; agree to: to abide by the court's decision. c. to remain steadfast or faithful to; keep: If you make a promise, abide by it.

"This Is Not"

by the Benjamin Gate

I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy

oh oh
This is not what I need to be
oh oh
This is not what you mean to me

I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery

I tried to be so perfect

sorry.

it's not enough;
it will never be enough.

it's too much;
always too much.

not right;
never right.

wrong, so wrong;
always wrong.

never ever good enough;
never ever strong enough.

Everything i want is wrong.
my heart, mind, and soul can't reach an agreement.
The Id always wins;
damn you, Freud, and your ridiculous psychobabble.
damn you, primitive body, and your animalistic, self-destructive desires.
It's all so shoddy, dark, and empty;
why do i so long for its hollow gratification?

it makes absolutely no
________ sense.

Evacua/Vaca - tion

So i've been in St. Louis for almost a week... had to evacuate New Orleans b/c of Gustav. Yeah, good times. Lemme just fill you in on how that whole deal went down...
Michael (friend from UNO) and I left NOLA friday afternoon. We made it about 2 hours away, to Macomb, Mississippi where i got a flat tire. Had to pull over to the side of the highway and freak out a bit b/c i've never gotten a flat tire before... Michael changed to my spare (which was just about as flat as the regular tire) and we drove into town. Macomb, MS = bumpkinville USA. I am SO glad it was still daylight when we had to get the flat, b/c this small little town looked like a horror flick waiting to happen. We pull into Tire City, where they sell new and used tires. Thank God. I was able to replace both rear tires for 77 bucks. That's pretty awesome. They were used tires, but good. Ok, so we get the tires replaced (it's only like 400 degrees outside, btw), and then drive down the street to fill up the tank. Within the block we drove the tire went flat again. wtf. so we drive BACK to the tire place, and they found a tiny itty bitty pin hole... so they patched it and all is well. (aside from me freaking out, nervous as hell that something else is going to go wrong.)
sooooo we drive. drive drive drive drive. lots of driving. The nice thing is, we drove with the windows down and saved a ton of gas by not using the AC. In fact, we only stopped one other time on the way to STL. hollerrrr. We got into town at 1:30 am... thankfully, in a few collective pieces.
Saturday was fun... Michael and I walked to downtown Kirkwood to go to the winery, alendale microbrewery, farmers market, kaldi's... just walked around. it was great. until we started walking home and michael was getting on my LAST nerve. Now, people who know me well know that i generally don't display my aggravation directly toward people. I guess it's because i was really stressed by having to evacuate, still not sure what Gustav was going to do to New Orleans, and overwhelmed by what happened the day before... a combination of everything... Michael just kept bugging me, and i flipped the EFF out on Kirkwood Road. By the time we got home I closed myself up in my room for a few hours to cool off. But, unfortunately, i just kept being snippy at him all weekend. I tried not to-- really--he was just so irritating. but i digress...
During my visit here in St. Louis i saw my girls that I hung out with my first year of college (Maggie, my old roommate; Molly, and Melissa) It was awesome. Then i saw some friends who were in town from Atlanta, and THEN i got to drive to Lawrence to see my bff Lucy... on the way i got to drive through Columbia and see Kaitlin-- my friend from the New York trip this summer. AHHHH! It was so incredible. seeing all these people i LOVE. YAAAAY!
...and now Gustav is mauling St. Louis. It's been uber-rainy and windy all day. and chilly. good times, really. it's kinda enjoyable. (i've been wanting a cool, rainy fall day for a while-- and we all know fall doesn't start in New Orleans for at least a few more months.) I went to see both of my sisters at school today...took coffee to Lizz and then drove over to Sami's school to have lunch. it was fun. Then michael and I went to the Loop. YAY! I got a few CD's at Vintage Vinyl (Jamiroquai-- Traveling Without Moving, and the Duhks-- fast paced world), browsed at Rag-O-Rama, and got an ash tray for my friend at the Phoenix (it has a picture of Jesus and says "Jesus Hates it When You Smoke." i thought it was hilarious.) Then we got a cup of coffee and drove around so i could show him where I used to work and go to school and stuff... good times.

So yeah. it's been fun. we're supposed to drive back tomorrow, but i'm thinking about calling my boss and seeing if i can drive back later in the weekend since Michael can't get back into his apartment until Sunday evening. Because honestly-- i do NOT want him living in the same house as me anymore. lol. mean but true. we could never be married. i'd kill him. he's such a good friend though... i keep apologizing to him for being a bitch, and he's like "don't worry about it. i'm annoying. i understand." and he doesn't hold it against me. what a good guy.

can't wait to move in with my friends. especially after seeing Lucy's place in Lawrence... it's gotten me even more excited about decorating my room and living with people my age. Bill (the boys' dad) said he thinks he found someone to replace me and i should be able to move out by mid-september. that's soon. yay!!
so i've found myself saying "baller" a lot. and i think it's hilarious. i crack myself up. i'll be like 'that is so baller.' and then giggle in my head. enjoying life is fun.

YAY!

I had a truly amazing day today... PRAISE. THE. LORD. i've been stuck in a rut, in case you haven't noticed. life has been so blah and frustrating... but today was so good.
I took the kids to their family's boat-house on the bayou so they could play with their younger cousin and i could relax with their aunt and older cousin. It was so great. just hangin' out, watching Law & Order, lettin' the day go by.
Then i took them home to get ready for their grandma to take them to mass... after they left i got ready to go to Pivot. (for those who don't know, Pivot is a young adult group that meets one sunday a month for, essentially, a church service. they also have small groups that meet during the week and random events, etc...)
I cannot express just how incredibly elated i was to be able to go. I could feel my spirit revived the moment i pulled into the parking lot. As soon as i walked in i saw people i haven't seen since May-- and it was great. There were tons of hugs (YAAAAAY!), excited conversations, and i got to meet new people. The Lord totally blessed me today. I have been craving-- aching--DYING for a sense of community, for physical affection, to have people to interact with... it was so great. SO GREAT. I honestly cannot even express into words just how i feel right now-- the happiest i've been in weeks.
My friends were all really excited about my job-change, too. They are SO looking forward to me being at Pivot more and being able to get involved with small groups and go on trips and stuff. I was so excited i even signed up to go canoing at the end of August.

update on the job front: nothing yet. lol. but, two job-opps came my way today... Brandi told me that her mom is friends with her manager at Curves, and would put a word in for me. They are looking for someone to work a few evening shifts. It wouldn't pay the bills, but it would definitely supplement my income. then my other friend, Bekah, told me that the restaurant she works at, Olive Branch, is opening a new location in mid-city at the end of the month. She, too, is good friends with her manager, and gave me her number to call about a job. SO... i'm hoping between the two of these, maybe something will happen-- a ball will start rolling.

on the unfortunate side... the family hasn't found anyone to replace me yet. It's ok, i told them September, so they still have time... i just hope they find someone soon so we can start transitioning the boys.
Speaking of the boys... i'm so worried about how they are going to take this. They still don't know. But i know that they are going to feel so... freaked out. totally upset. and i know i can't do anything but pray about it. I just keep praying that God will smooth it over- make them calm about it- help them to realize that they are not losing me... because i'll definitely be around, just not every day 24/7. On top of everything, the 1-year anniversary of their mother's death is this friday. Again, another situation that i don't even know how to deal with. They haven't said anything about it... but i know they know. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. lots. lots lots.

my "novel" revelation ... *rolls eyes*

so i'm madly obsessed with the Twilight series. i tried to avoid it-- actively avoided reading the novels like the plague, and wouldn't even allow myself to swoon over Robert Pattinson (the amazingly beautiful guy who is playing Edward Cullen in the upcoming movie). alas, however, my friend told me to suck it up and at least read the first book. so i did. and i've been hooked since. i just started the third book, Eclipse, and it is almost disturbing to me how genuinely engrossed i am in this series.
it's not just "oh, this is a great book, i can't wait to see what happens." it's more like "i want to be in this book. i want this to be my life. i love edward." i know, i know, you're rolling your eyes, because EVERYBODY and their MOTHER is gabbing on and on about how they are in love with Edward Cullen. But tonight (while i was bordering having an anxiety attack for no known reason,) i realized WHY i love Edward Cullen, and why i am so strongly consumed by these books:

1. i am deprived of physical affection. (and anyone who knows me any kind of well knows that I NEED PHYSICAL AFFECTION.) And in the Twilight books, Bella is always receiving affection. Even in the second book, when Edward is gone (sorry, spoiler), Jacob gives her affection in a platonic way.
2. i want-- SO BADLY-- for someone to love me the way that Edward loves Bella. I mean... he doesn't just LOVE her, his whole life centers around her well being. Yes, he hurts her-- it's impossible to have a love relationship without some emotional pain-- but he is always there to keep her safe, to hold her, and love her. hello, what woman DOESN'T want that?? lol

right. so i sound like every other girl in the world...and incredibly cheesy and worthy of many eye-rolls and laughs, i'm sure, but it's true.

Life's a Beach...with my mom & sisters in Biloxi.

oh, right...

this morning i was at the chiropractor's office, laying on the massage table, reading Battlefield of the Mind. i stumbled across a page i had folded over while i was in New York, and started to read it again. and once again, God slammed me on my ass and told me to get my priorities straight.

____________________________________________________________________

Trust God, Not Human Reason

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding." Proverbs 3:5

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion. I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, "Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused." I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.

The human mind likes logic and order and reason. It likes to deal with what it understands. Therefore, we have a tendency to put things into neat little bins in the compartments of our mind, thinking, "This must be the way it is because it fits so nicely here." We can find something our minds are comfortable with and still be totally wrong.

...I don't know about you, but I want God to reveal things to me in such a way that i KNOW in my spirit that what has been revealed to my mind is correct. I don't want to reason, to figure and to be logical, rotating my mind around and around an issue until I am worn out and confused. I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.

...I realize now that I felt more secure if I had things figured out. I did not want any loose ends in my life. I wanted to be in control--and when I did not understand things, I felt out of control--frightened. But I was lacking something. I had no peace of mind and was physically worn out. . . Reasoning is not the normal condition in which God wants our mind to reside.
____________________________________________________________________

close book. put it down.
"shit. i forgot. i always forget. i'm sorry."

i am a wreck.

i miss people.
i'm stressed about these big life-changes. i know i shouldn't be, i know i need to trust the Lord...but the truth is, there are seasons of stress in life-- and i'm in one right now.
i'm worried about money. again, i know that God will take care of it...but that doesn't make the worry go away.
i'm sad that my family had to put my dog, Phoebe, to sleep. i knew it was coming-- she's been sick for quite a while-- but that doesn't make it any better. i didn't even get to say goodbye.
i feel deprived of affection. i have friends here that i've seen regularly since i've been back to reality are not touchy-feely-let's-hug-and-snuggle type people. physical touch is my number one love language...and nobody around me speaks it.
everything is up in the air... i just wish there was something i could hold onto.
i can't seem to find time to do anything...but i feel like i'm never doing anything.
i'm hardly ever truly alone...but i feel lonely. but, ironically, i just want some time alone.
time with God. i feel dehydrated and disoriented.
and sometimes i feel like i'd rather be dead.
sad but true.

i'm moving! ...again!

Sorry i've been slow on updating on my job situation...my family just left town this morning and i haven't really had any free time until now.

First of all, I was praying a few weeks ago... ya know, asking God to reveal his will to me about my job situation, etc... and "Jeremiah 7:2" kept popping into my head, so i figured i'd look it up. i was expecting to read a verse that said something about "go! you have my blessing!" or whatever... instead, i read a call to worship. oh yeah... worship. my bad, God. i forgot.
so i spent about a half-hour in prayer, just worshiping and thanking God for all that he is, and right as i'm about to wrap it up, my phone rings. Carin (my best friend in St Louis) called me to catch up, and by the end was encouraging me to take a leap of faith-- if God's will is for me to move out and find a new job, he will honor and affirm my act of faith.
So, i talked to my boss (last week)...told him that i was looking for a new job, and explained that i felt i was missing out on community and relationships with people my age, and i wanted to be more involved on my campus-- and that just wasn't possible while working for him. I also told him that i was very appreciative of the experience and that i love my job... i just need something more compatible with college life. He was COMPLETELY understanding about the whole situation; he told me he knew it would only be a temporary thing, and that he agreed that i need to follow what i feel is right in my heart. PTL! I told him i would stay until September, so hopefully he'll find someone to replace me by then.
With that out of the way, i went to dinner that night with one of my friends, Brandy, that i hadn't seen since april or may. i caught her up to speed, including me quitting my job--in complete faith that God would provide a new place to live and a job. Then Brandy told me her and her sister were looking for a 3rd roommate in their apartment...they have an extra bedroom, and the rent would be easier on everyone if there was a 3rd person. She told me to pray about it...but i was like "uh, i'm pretty sure this is a total God thing."
I'm so excited about moving in with them. it's only about 450-500 a month (including utilities), which will be hard, but at least i'll be living a "normal" college life. So now i'm trying to find a job... if all else fails, i'm almost positive i can work at Antoine's in the French Quarter. The family i nanny for owns and runs it, and one of my friends, Casie (the boys' cousin), said she was almost positive they would hire me as a hostess. It only pays 9.50/hr, but it could work. For now i'm applying just about everywhere, though.
...the only down side: i have to down-size to a twin bed. maybe full, but that's pushing it. it's a pretty small bedroom. but... i made a twin work my first year of college, i think i can manage. just gotta get my memory-foam mattress topper from home. and hopefully i'll find a good mattress somewhat inexpensive somewhere. and some bed-side tables. and lamps. and a rug. and sheets. it'll be an investment...but i'm so excited.

umm. yeah. i went to the beach last week...but i haven't uploaded my pictures yet. they'll be up soon :)

Violet Hill, by Coldplay

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow

Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze
Down below

When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And the fog
Became God

Priests clutched onto bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And the cross was held aloft

Bury me in honor
When I'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

...i can't stop listening to this song.
i love it so much.
actually, their whole new CD, Viva la Vida, is REALLY good.
it's just so beautiful.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning for no particular reason.
i really wanted it to be a cold, foggy day...
maybe it's because i've been watching a British sit-com.

well, crap...

i've done it this time... a few nights ago i threw my lower back out-- to the point that i couldn't even get up. my mom had to help me roll out of bed and crawl to the living room so i could be in a more convenient part of the house. She and my sisters left for Arizona tuesday morning, so the boys and their family have been gracious in helping me through this. i've been to the chiropractor twice now and had therapy-- and now i'm at least able to get up and move around on my own. But i'm still in a lot of pain. Honestly, i think it's God's way of telling me to slow down and take some time to just BE... that and i went from walking miles a day (in New York) to not walking at all-- and apparently that's not so good for me, lol. so yeah... OW. on the plus side, one of the boys' aunts gave me some muscle relaxers. PTL.

on another note... this kids are driving me f-ing crazy. i haven't even been their primary caretaker the last week, and i still can't even tolerate them. ok, so that's a lie... Mitchell (the younger one) doesn't bother me at all... but Will is driving me up the wall. he doesn't listen, he is completely inconsiderate of everyone around him, selfish, and is constantly trying to control everything-- including his younger brother. I don't want to have this job anymore... but even if i quit it's going to be like 3 months before i get out. God's going to have to change my heart more than ever.

On the upside, being down and out with less than regular mobility has allowed me to think through the whole New York trip... and i've finally been able to grab onto a few concrete ideas in the sea of everything i experienced... I learned that God has the ability to meet all of my emotional needs just as much as my physical needs. I've seen him provide in abundance when it comes to money, a job, a place to live, etc... but this summer he showed me that he can meet my emotional needs too-- like having guy friends, having close girl friends, and being able to supply my every day life with enough holy spirit to get me through. The truth is, i learned that i need Him everyday-- which is a DUH things, but project really helped bring that to light. Every day i would pray in the morning that i would not only remember my need for Him, but that I would be filled with the holy spirit... and i really felt a difference in my life. When i was getting frustrated with people or situations, or just needing a cigarette, i would pray that god would fill that need, fill that frustration with the holy spirit-- and change my heart in a way that only He can... and it was awesome to see him transform my heart and attitude within a matter of minutes. GAH! he's so awesome.

On a spiritual level, i find myself already creeping back into my apathy. I think part of it is i'm back in the "same old" location, so i just fell back into old patterns, but i really want to be more active in my relationship with God. It was awesome to be so consistent with my quiet times -- even though they were never "scheduled," i always spent time in the word everyday, and i loved that. I'm hoping that once i get myself back in a groove here, prayer and readingi'll pick that back up. No, i'm not hoping-- it IS going to happen. I would really love to start being more conscious about engaging in spiritual conversation. For me it's always been "taboo," but project tought me that with enough effort, it can become less of a "touchy" subject... i think i'm more comfortable now than ever before with using soularium, and it's my hope that i'll more actively use it on campus...or anywhere, really.
i'm really looking forward to Stephen being down here too... with his help, and one of our staffers down here, i'm hoping to get some kind of arts ministry rolling... something like project, but long term. There's a girl on staff here that is by no means an artist (she even says so herself,) but she's very supportive of art ministries, and would probably love to help with logistical sides of the ministry, which is awesome.

...right. well. i need to try to get up and walk around a little bit so my back doesn't get super-stiff again. more to come.

transition is getting... better?

i still find my mind wandering back to new york... everything reminds me of everyone i miss. and i find myself physically wandering around, not sure where i'm supposed to be. i guess i'll get over this eventually. but right now, disoriented is the best word to explain my state of being.

so, everyone on project knows this, but the few others who read my blog don't yet... i want to quit my job. after spending 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people in my age group, i realized i'm totally lacking that in my daily life-- which isn't good. I realize it even more now, coming home from project, that i don't really have a lot of friends here. The few i have are amazing-- don't get me wrong-- but i just really want to have a community of people here that i can hang out with and get to know and love. more than just 4 or 5. and i realized that one of the biggest inhibitors of this peer-community situation is my job. spending 2 weeks straight with a 7 and 11 year old is not conducive to my 21 year old soul. i need to be 21. not a 42 year old mom with 2 kids. i'm not there yet-- i'm sick of playing that role.
but then Mother Logic (literally, my mother) fights back with:
*you're not going to find a job that pays this well (true-- but i'm not even making a fair wage for what i'm doing for this job)
*you're not paying for rent or your own groceries right now-- don't you REALIZE how much that costs? (no, really?)
*you need to reevaluate your role to this family, and think about why God put you here. (...because i hadn't even considered that...?)

...i mean, really, does my mom think i'm retarded and i haven't thought of those things?? i'm not completely naive. my question, though, is-- how do other college students manage to work, go to school, have a healthy social life, and still pay their rent and utilities? i'm pretty sure it's possible... anyway. i don't know what to do about this right now. and thinking about it just stresses me out. so. yeah. prayer-- lots of it.

anyway... thought i'd share the two major art pieces i worked on while i was in New York (there were 5 total, but these were the two "assignments"). the whole theme of the exhibit was "reHumanize"... essentially, we were focusing on what it means to be human, what God intended humanity to look like, how we've become dehumanized and how to fix it, etc...

#1: "Looking for Love" mirror, acrylic paint, plaster cast

this is my first piece in response to the theme. I wanted to zoom in on the aspect of physical touch-- i think it is a vital piece of being human, and is an important love language. however, society has warped it in such a way that negative touch is over used, and positive touch is lacking. this piece is intended to draw in the viewer, but as they lean over to look down at this girl who is reaching up, they are forced to look at themselves... however, it is an obstructed view of themselves, because from certain angles the viewer will see the girl blocking their reflection. in short 1. We are the same as those we look down upon, and 2. we're all longing for connection.


#2: "Undone," a collaboration piece by myself and Brian Dang. Acrylic on unstretched canvas. (9'x5')
Obviously, i live in New Orleans, and Brian has done a lot of volunteer relief work. We both agreed that the rebuilding of New Orleans has been a great example of rehumanizing-- not only the citizens of New Orleans, but the millions of volunteers who have helped, as well as people all over the nation and the world watching it happen. We tried to capture the drastic difference between the physical destruction of the storm and the emotional (and physical) renewal that has taken place since Katrina. We left it somewhat gestural and "unfinished," however, to reiterate the fact that the restoration of New Orleans is still a work in progress.

so yeah... those were the two pieces i had in the show. i only kept the hand part of the first piece, and the mural is rolled up in a box in the living room waiting to find a home somewhere in a New Orleans gallery, hopefully... eventually.

...eventually.

this is what i'm calling "P.P.S.D." -- Post Project Stress Disorder.

well, project is over and i feel... lost.
i mean, i just spent 5 weeks surrounded by a community of people who i've come to love, spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with them... it just doesn't feel right. i feel so lonely. it's nice to have down time to sleep and just do nothing, but...
i'm not only an emotional wreck, but i physically feel awful. I started a full-body cleansing program yesterday because i think the funk of the city, lack of sleep, excess stress, and emotional exhaustion has just put my body through the wringer.
it feels like someone removed my brain, shook it up, and put it in backwards... then completely sucked the life out of my heart. so basically it feels like someone just broke up with me... but instead of just one person it's like 40 people.
i know it'll get better-- after a couple more days of excessive sleeping and mentally debriefing... but... right now i really hate it.
even worse, the people i felt were going to be the most supportive of my job-changing decisions haven't voiced anything more than doubt. so i've decided not to have any deep, important conversations for a few days.
i can't think any more right now... more to come later.

i have failed you,

and i'm sorry.

i have hurt you
yet again.

i can't fix these
broken pieces,

but with you
i know we can.

this secret, though
is tempting,

i want to hide,
far...dark...away.

that primitive beast
inside my mind

wants nothing but
to play.

it lurks amid the water,
its sharp edges press in hard,

cuts through thickness,
seals out weakness,

in hopes it will
leave a scar.

i want not to
feel allured

into this damp
and devilish place.

do something Lord,
i'm crying out,

just let me see
your face.

p'sha.

i never have time to blog.


nobody reads it anyway.


but yeah... drivin home may 31st, i'll be home the whole first week of may...
boys are comin' with me :)

should be an interesting drive, but i can't wait to be in STL. i'm sure i'll get over it within the first few days, but this Louisiana Lady needs some St Louis Lovin'.

an artist's confessional

i don't even know what to say.
i don't even LIKE you-- there's no question in my mind that i hate you.
But there's nothing i can do about it--
i have to see you everyday, live every moment of my life with you scowling down at me--
sometimes peering up at me--
either way you can never manage to leave me alone for more than a fraction of a moment.
i find myself warring with you, shoving you away,
painting over your appalling grotesque features of pain and agony;
smothering pigments shape your face,
thick, liquid-life mixing and blending and layering
with breath of its own
creating a new being.
i find myself seeping into the pores of the canvas,
a part of me moving through the flowing tones and shades;
the brush shuttering with electricity and individual personality within my grasp.

time paints a portrait.
an image.
a living representation of interpretation that portrays this haunting--
the receiver of my hatred, the source of my apathy--

my self portrait, leaning deviously yet innocently on the easel--
still, but moving.
alive, but so very dead.

i'm a mess

but it's ok.
i'm detached and despondent,
but tomorrow is a new day.
it's hard to see past this wall of pain,
but i know something better is on its way

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need

looking for something i'll never find,
a futile search
within my stubborn mind.
remind me again of who i am,
where i'm going,
and what's left behind.

i fear my failure will only get worse--
this is a play that i've yet to rehearse;
i stutter and stammer and butcher my lines
this tired, broken speech instead of beautiful verse...

just have to believe
just have to see
have to know
you're all i need.

my first critique

although i am frequently critiqued by fellow art students and professors, tonight was the first critique i've received from an unbiased third party . . .ok, so not totally unbiased-- it was written by a friend-- but it's still incredibly eloquent and insightful.

Self Portrait, September 2007; charcoal on paper

I absolutely love [this] piece. It has so much in common with the Mona Lisa. Bisect the image straight down the center and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The audience’s right side, the face’s left side, is slightly arched. Its eye is looking directly at the viewer, holding them in place with a stare that seems to follow. It’s a beauty carved out of absolutes.

To the untrained eye, its merely shading under the eye, but upon careful inspection, and in contrast to the face’s other half, its scar. Probably not intentional, but look at it again. The face’s left side (feminine in classical art) has the softer shading, denoting a delicate nature, but the scar shows the pain of being considered a “softer creature.” The scar/shadow cuts across the cheek and meets the jaw line, where on the left side is more pronounced. Follow the jaw, into the right side of the face, the audience’s left, and you see the harsher shading overall, though a softer jaw line. Its not just lighting reflected here. It’s the conflict between the oppositional forces of the passive Yin and the ever creating Yang.

The “male” side of the face, our left, has darker shading, probably in an effort to show a sort of “covering up” of that aspect of the woman’s face. This isn’t merely a portrait, it’s a microcosm. The right eye doesn’t focus in on the viewer like its counterpart does. It drifts, as if shy, as if it wants so badly to be ignored.

The hair is wild, but has characteristics of straw. It drifts only slightly, and holds in place despite its disheveled nature. It’s a reference to the careless beauty that the woman possesses. She doesn’t dress herself up to impress you, but even with messy hair, she’s a vision.

The lips follow the trend of slanting, with the advantage going to the feminine side. That half of the face knows something we don’t. Woman’s intuition, perhaps? Maybe just a secret, just a small one, but one strong enough to break your heart. The mouth makes no effort to purse, nor smile. It just waits, not to be kissed, not to be admired, not to be addressed, but to assert. It has something to say, and its waiting for you to shut up and listen. This isn’t merely a girl’s face, it’s the face of every woman in American society for the last 50 years. Shut up and listen to her.

~ K. Sartor 3/29/08

untitled

i think it's the adrenaline rush
that accompanies the pain
that makes me do this to myself
over and over again.

it's not about the broken heart
the wounded soul
the broken skin;
it's about an opportunity just to
feel again.

because when it hurts it isn't numb
and that, at least, is
good.

blech.

so i've had a really sore throat for a few days... i went to the dr. yesterday, they did a strep-test, and it came back negative. good... i guess. instead, i have a bad sinus infection. apparently it's been percolating since that cold got on the way home from STL a few weeks ago. SO... they gave me a shot and a prescription for antibiotics. great, that's exciting-- we all know how well i get along with antibiotics, lol.
so i was hoping to feel better this morning... no such luck. i woke up with a vicious sinus headache-- i thought my eyes were going to pop out and it felt like there was cement in my sinuses, and let's not even get into my issue with light sensitivity today. *rolls eyes* my headache got a little better after i took some mucinex and advil, but it came back... and i hate it. it's so hard to tolerate children when all you want to do is blow your own head off.

...the coffee diet?

so i was out of pants yesterday... i needed to do laundry really bad. i was down to sweat pants or pants i haven't been able to fit into since the beginning of the summer. well, i was feeling adventurous, so i tried the pants that probably weren't going to fit, except...
THEY DID! i was really shocked.
so then i thought... i'm gonna weigh myself, just for the heck of it...
I LOST 5 LBS -- THIS WEEK. that's INSANE.
the funny part of it is, i'm not really doing anything to lose weight... i mean, i've been eating less and drinking a LOT of coffee (iced, with a splash of milk, no sugar), but still...

anyway. i'm excited. i hope i keep losing 5 lbs a week, that'd be nice :)

yeah, and here's the best part...

it's february and i'm wearing tank tops, flip flops, and we had to turn the AC on. It's like summer, no joke.

don't be too jealous, though-- we've got a cold front moving in...
the high is only going to be about 65 for the next few days :)

Playground by Sia

Come with me to a place of fantasy
I’ll take you on a sea-saw
Come with me to a place that’s by the sea
I’ll take you on a board walk
Take my hand I’ll take you to the sand
You and me will build a castle
Ready set go I’ll race you to the wall
I will win I am the fastest

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

I’ll be sure to write you from the war
Put your guns away it’s tea time
Water bombs and tea towel tired mums
Looking for a little me time
Close your eyes and count to thirty five
You may never ever find me
Close my eyes and then I realize
You are never far behind me

I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime
I don’t wanna grow old
Bring me all the toys you can find
You don’t wanna grow up
You can be my partner in crime

Let’s have fun, let’s play out under the sun
Will you take me by the hand
Let’s see how far we can run, yeah
Let’s play chase let’s put make up on our face
You can catch me if you can
We can make a secret place

from Manfred by Lord Byron

" MANFRED
The lamp must be replenish'd, but even then
It will not burn so long as I must watch.
My slumbers-- if I slumber-- are not sleep,
But a continuance of enduring thought,
Which then I can resist not: in my heart
There is a vigil, and these eyes but close
To look within; and yet I live, and bear
The aspect and the form of breathing men.
But grief should be the instructor of the wise;
Sorrow is knowledge: they who know the most     10
Must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth,
The Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life.
Philosophy and science, and the springs
Of wonder, and the wisdom of the world,
I have essay'd, and in my mind there is
A power to make these subject to itself--
But they avail not: I have done men good,
And I have met with good even among men--
But this avail'd not: I have had my foes,
And none have baffled, many fallen before me--     20
But this avail'd not: Good, or evil, life,
Powers, passions, all I see in other beings,
Have been to me as rain unto the sands,
Since that all-nameless hour. I have no dread,
And feel the curse to have no natural fear
Nor fluttering throb, that beats with hopes or wishes
Or lurking love of something on the earth. "

[i find myself seeping through the cracks of 18th C. /early 19th C.
British literature...

maybe it's because that, along with Art history, are currently my
only literary intake,
but i cannot help but linger upon my keen desire for Gothic literature.
Not the depressing,
suicidal screams for help as most people associate with the word "Gothic,"
but rather it's
actual meaning, and it's actual influence on art, both visual and written.
Not a scream, but a whisper--
A Dark corner in a vibrant landscape of sublimity--
a battle of God, spirituality, and self.]

[I am in everything I read. I am in every piece of artwork I view,
thus, the wonderful result of being blessed with a creative soul. ]

my two cents...

thanks to Andy i have something to appease my boredom and inability sleep...


Two names you go by… Desiree and Miss Desi :)

Two things you are wearing right now… yoga pants and a tshirt with my initials on it.

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship… trust and respect sound pretty good to me!

Two of your favorite things to do… paint and be outside in the sun

Two things you want very badly at the moment… to be done with gen-ed classes and to hug my mamma.

Two pets you have or have had… Louie and Fleck / Phoebe and Peanut

Two things that you did last night… ate at Juan's Flying Burrito and watched the Italian Job

Two people you think will fill this out... nobody.

Two things you ate today… leftover Juan's for breakfast and eggs for dinner :)

Two people you last talked to… Nick and Casie

Two things you’re doing tomorrow… Finishing a painting and CRU prayer meeting

Two longest car rides… Detroit and West Palm Beach

Two favorite holidays… Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two favorite beverages… Coffee and water

Two people no longer alive who you’d like to talk to… Jesus and Marilyn Monroe... we'd all three have coffee together, for sure.

"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"

..."Let the Good Times Roll"...


(me and casie)

so, i was selfishly upset because i wanted to go to a ton of parades the last few weeks, but couldn't because i had the boys. well, monday night the boys' grandpa watched them and i went with Merri Kay and Jane to Krewe of Proteus and Orpheus uptown on St. Charles and it was AMAZING. First of all, it's an awesome community event-- seeing a ton of people out doing the same thing you are, waiting to see the same parades... it's hard to explain, but there's such a sense of unity. It's pretty easy to just strike up a conversation with complete strangers here in New Orleans anyway, but at parades it's even easier. We were camped out in front of Jane's friends' house, so we not only had access to a clean bathroom, but free food and drinks! We had some red beans and rice, grabbed a couple beers, and stood for 3 hours with our arms in the air screaming for beads. I ended up with a BUNCH. it was so so so so fun! Not to mention the floats are BEAUTIFUL. I was going to take pictures, but i was too excited to stop and pick up my camera.
THEN on Mardi Gras day the boys and i went over to their aunt and uncle's house, which is blocks away from the main parade route in Metairie (more "family-friendly" parades). It was a blast. Their cousin, Casie, Aunt Arlene, and I all got new orleans' famous daiquiris, and just had a great time with the family. The parades went from noon until about 5. . . it was crazy but SO fun. I caught a lot of beads (including some really cool ones), a stuffed animal, a garter, a foam "captain morgan" hat, and a purple, green and gold feather boa. It was such an amazing experience!!! I cannot wait until next year. I mean, i've always read and heard that Mardi Gras is an awesome time to live in New Orleans, but i didn't realize just how much until i was a part of it.
Needless to say, though, it was rough getting to class this morning. Mardi Gras recovery is the worst part... and the fact that UNO is the ONLY school down here that actually had classes today. I showed up for my first class... but i totally didn't make it to my second one. I went home to eat lunch during my break and ended up falling asleep. Oh well. it's the first class i've skipped since i've been at UNO, i don't think it'll kill me.

on a different note, i'm ready for my two weeks off. Bill is supposed to be home tomorrow (please, God), and i am absolutely beyond ready. i feel like i've been working for more than two weeks... i guess it's because the boys have been acting out more. And Mitchell's been sick. and Will's been deaf... excuse me, i believe a better term would be "selective hearing." *rolls eyes*
count it all joy. count it all joy. count it all joy...

i'll be back in st. louis in 8 days! ya'll better warm it up for me... i can't handle any more of that cold nonsense.

i. need. a. break. NOW.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED I CANNOT EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

Today started off ok... i got to go back to bed after i took the boys to school and slept for a couple hours before heading to class. I even finished my computer science lab super early and headed over to the UC for lunch with my friend Jessica. It was all really great until after lunch... i headed to the grocery store close to campus to get a bunch of stuff we needed at the house. Halfway thru my shopping, Bill calls me, and asks me if i can go get Will. Apparently Will had an early release day today, but did not inform me, and instead called his dad and told him I wasn't there to pick him up. Wow, that looks really good, huh? I just told him, I was sorry, that Will didn't tell me, etc... so i guess that went over fine.
But the boys have been pretty disobedient all day, the dog is annoying me, i can't go to a parade tonight with my friends because i don't have anyone to watch the kids, and to top it all off, i baked chicken for dinner-- a whole chicken with cornbread stuffing (i didn't do it myself-- i bought it like that, lol). I baked it for about an hour and a half, spent time making mashed potatoes and green beans, and then... the boys don't want what i made. I AM SO MAD. I had to practically force Mitchell to eat it, and Will won't. There's nothing more frustrating than spending time on a meal for someone, only for them to tell me it's gross and they don't like it and they don't want it. I told them too bad, so sad. Eat what i made or don't eat at all, kapische?

i need to paint. i'm gonna turn on a movie for the heathen children, lock myself in the back, and exert some internalized aggression.

from past pages of my prayer journal

dated 01/13/07
God, you are awesome. Even when it feels like everything is wrong and my world is dark and depressed, you reach through and give me strength--even if it's just enough to get through the day.
i'm tired.
i'm depressed.
i'm bored with life
and you know that.
Thank you in advance for the help you're sending my way-- and thank you for the hope and faith that gives me strength. i love you.

dated 01/16/07
Take my anxiety, my depression, my worries, my fears-- EVERYTHING. I can't handle them, but i know you can.
Take my talents, my desires, my dreams-- use them for your glory. Give my thoughts and words and art-- use it for what you want--fulfill my purpose.
Where do you want me to go? Guide me, God, i'm longing to hear your voice and feel your hand of guidance.

What do you want me to do? Speak to me--inspire me--motivate me to move with your will.

Provide only as you can-- take my mind away from worry about what i'll eat or wear or how i'll pay for school-- you take care of all of creation without a cent of payment and i know i am more precious to you than a flower or a bird. Console me: i do not fear because you are with me. Please strengthen and help me.
Help me to offer every part of my life as a sacrifice to you--not to work and exist for the purpose of others, but to do everything to bring you honor. I pray for the courage to follow through.
Grant me a serenity that only you provide. Amidst a storm within my daily life, you know the outcome. As your child EVERYTHING WORKS OUT as long as i trust and believe in you. Remove my worries and replace them with reassurance that you ARE there looking after me and working everything for the best.
You are incredible, God. Your power and glory are completely unfathomable-- even more so, your mercy and grace and patience. Thank you for listening and responding--for being a God that communicates.

i love you.

dated 02/08/07
Thank you, God for the good days.
Thank you for reminding me that even amid overwhelming problems, you grant a grounded, sustaining peace.
Thank you for giving me humbling moments-- and the attitude it takes to accept and learn from those moments.
Thank you for those "fate" moments when someone is in the right place at the right time.
Thank you for being the only original artist, and granting us, as your work, appreciation and inspiration to create. Thank your for giving me your fantastic trait of creativity.
Thank you for holding me when it seems like no one else will.
Thank you for renewing me each day-- Help me to live accordingly.
Thank you for your immense, everlasting, unconditional love.
Help me to show that love to others.

dated 05/06/07
(quote from the Barbarian Way by McManus, p 90)
"We civilize our children rather than guide them to the Barbarian Way. I am concerned that there are many who have grown up in church and have been effectively Christianized but have never genuinely met Christ.

Our goal must not be to populate the Christian religion, but to bring people into a genuine relationship with God."

dated 08/29/07

Psalm 63:6-8
"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

1 Peter 4:12- 13, 19
"Dear friend, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ... So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

dated 09/16/07
Let your words flow from me
put the words in my mouth
and
the love in my heart
and
your utter glory in my life.

You continually humble me
with your abounding faithfulness
which i do not understand.

Hold me still in your arms,
remind me who i am
and to whom i belong.
Place your hand on my heart
and your life in my lungs.
i run free without fear of
tomorrow.

Love me, Jesus,
in the way only you can.
I am hurting--
but you are my healer
and friend in every season.

01/21/08

i have been inspired by my own encounters with the Lord.
Thank you, God.
Thank you for God-incidents,
for reminders,
for fulfilling your promises,
and most of all, your love.
I pray i continue to walk with you through your strength.

a list for my troubles, a penny for my thoughts

1. my anxiety and depression is rearing its ugly head... and all i want to do is not feel like i'm bipolar. one minute i feel happy as a hippo and the next i'm stressed and just feel like crying and lying in my bed for a week. or two. or ten.

2. i'm a failure. i bought a pack of cigarettes. but it made me ill so i guess that's a good thing.

3. the boys are NOT LISTENING TO ME and it's driving me absolutely INSANE. Every time i asked Mitchell to do something today, i had to say it at least 5 times... not to mention a couple of times he just stood there, sighed, and said, "AWW COME ONNNN" in a whiny voice that makes me want to scream. Seriously now... this has GOT to stop.

4. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO. I wish i could've known about a fourth of this last week when i was doing nothing but being bored out of my skull. I'm trying to just get into the swing of things, because usually once i get going i start loving the business and the adrenaline rush of being overwhelmed... but right now it just sucks. The anxiety of it is making me shut down. I don't know how on earth i'm going to get homework done this semester; i have 3 academic classes instead of just 2-- which means a lot more reading/writing homework. I'm usually helping the boys with their homework until about 5:30 or 6, then i make dinner, do dishes, make sure the kids get their baths, and try (TRY TRY TRY) to get them in bed by 9 (but that NEVER happens because they are so bad about stalling bedtime). But then by 9 i have to go around and pick up the house, take the dog out, do my own homework, do yoga (it HAS to be a permanent piece of my schedule), and take a shower. By the time all that's done it's like... 5am. lol. i don't know how this is going to work.

5. And to top it all off... i'm having like NO quiet times. My schedule is chaotic and even though quiet time is what i need the most right now, it's like the last thing on my to do list... which is probably why i feel like everything is going wrong... i'm too focused on myself and not enough on the Lord.

((God, please take this dark cloud away from my life. Keep me focused. Help me to notice the moments you give me to read your word and spend more time with you.))

"Louie Louie, oh no me gotta go, Aye-yi-yi-yi!"

This is Louie.

Louie was one of Will and Mitchell's Christmas presents.
Louie is only a few months old.
Louie is small enough to fit in my purse.
Louie is absolutely adorable.

but...

Louie is not house trained.
Louie does not know when it is ok to bark and when to stop.
Louie does not even know his own name.
and nobody asked me if i was ok with Louie.

I guess that's what it all boils down to ... i mean, i LOVE animals-- anyone who knows me at all knows that i am a sucker for a cute fuzzy something. But here's my big problem: I am the caretaker for this family 50% of the time. When decisions about changes in lifestyle arise, i would like to have at least 50% of a voice in the matter, whether my opinion changes the outcome or not. It's not about me having my way, it's about being recognized for who i am in the family-- essentially, a mother figure. Since the beginning i have been accepted as family, let in on family secrets and stories and the works... but not being asked but TOLD about this change in my living and working environment is a little painful. i'm really just hurt that, in the instant when Bill made this decision, i was no longer family, but the nanny who lives here and makes sure stuff gets done. That probably wasn't the thought process at all-- but that's kind of how i feel. I mean, essentially, he's just given me another child to care for, only this one's a BABY: make sure he makes it outside to potty, clean up his messes when he doesn't, make sure he stays out of trouble... i've got to establish feeding and potty schedules, discipline him, and make sure the boys aren't reversing my disciplinary actions... Not to mention he's a HUGE distraction to Will. I mean, it's hard to get that kid focused ANYWAY-- and now all he wants to do is play with Louie...

Geeze i sound like my mother. Now i know how she felt all those times i asked for dogs and fish and hamsters and whatevers...
This is God showing his sense of humor is what it is: placing me in a motherly position for two children that are very similar to my sisters, and then giving me all these little parental trials, saying "this is for giving your mom a hard time...THIS is for thinking you knew how to be a better parent than your mother... oh, and this one is just funny."

i'm trying so hard just to enjoy it. Hopefully we'll have some kind of something worked out before Bill leaves a week from Tuesday. And i need to not think about myself... i'm probably just being selfish. *count it all joy, count it all joy, count it all joy...*

[[we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor]]

Are you tired of dreaming about your ex-boyfriend every night? Sick of waking up thinking you're pregnant--again? Wish you could just have dreams of watching yourself sleep?

...yeah, me too. Just don't watch Harry Potter before you go to bed-- that definitely doesn't help.

[[and now back to our feature presentation]]

Classes start tomorrow. Which means i should actually be asleep already, but... too bad so sad. When Bill's home he normally puts the boys to bed, but he had to run out to the boys' grandparents' house (an hour away) to pick up Will's medicine, which he accidentally left there over the weekend-- so i had to make sure the kids were showered and in bed, etc. Well, after an arduous bath/shower time, i read a devotion to the boys, prayed, and tucked them in. Then i did yoga, took a shower, and the next thing i know it was 12. baaaaaa. oh well.

i'm excited to start class tomorrow, though. i know it'll be all the preliminary meet-your-teacher-get-your-syllabus-do-stupid-paperwork-and-surveys classes for the first few days, but, i'm still excited to get back into the swing of things. i'm supposed to meet with the two other Campus Crusade leaders this week to figure out when we're gonna do weekly prayer meetings and bible studies and on-campus events this semester... not to mention i need to get to work on 2 paintings that i've commissioned myself to do (and would like to have done before i'm back in STL again in February so that they can tag along and find good little homes). It's a good thing i had a long, fun, sleep-filled break... because tomorrow is the beginning of a jam-packed-no-sleep-lots-of-work-at-home-and-at-school-all-the-time couple of months.

i gotta start reading my bible more: i'm gonna need it.
i'm out like a light.

PS. i've been thinking... i haven't been on a date since this summer. i haven't been on a date with someone other than a pervert or a stalker since way before that. i haven't really dated in 2 years and some months. and i've decided... i really want to go on a date!
... or at least have a date to emily's wedding.
something.

i'm bored and i can't sleep.

we had a thunderstorm today. i love thunderstorms. i spent my afternoon lying on the couch at the Beacon finishing my current read (the Oath by Frank Peretti).

then, on my way home i had to stop at the grocery store to get some milk, so i went to the new Robert's Market (pronounced RoBEARs...silly french...) up the street; and lo and behold while i was in St. Louis they opened a brand new Goodwill, mere BLOCKS away from my house. I LOVE GOODWILL, and i have yet to find one close by since i moved here. Now i DEFINITELY know this is where God wants me: a Starbucks a few blocks in one direction and a Goodwill a few blocks the other direction. Hallelujah.

i've felt pretty good the last few days: i've started doing yoga in the evenings, eating healthier snacks, and drinking a lot more water during the day. plus i'm still goin' strong with quitting smoking. it's been hard, though... sometimes i feel like i don't even want to quit-- but i know i need to. i wish the cravings would just completely go away-- that'd make it way easier, lol.
ya know what else would make it easier?? if my face would clear up. i came to the conclusion that smoking is what was causing my acne... but i haven't smoked in a little over a week, and it's not looking any better. needless to say, that stifles my motivation a bit. not to mention now i'm just stumped, and trying to figure out why the heck my skin won't quit being ridiculous.
it's whatever.

ya know what else won't quit being ridiculous? my subconscious. ever since i've moved to NOLA i've had crazy-weird dreams. (interestingly, i didn't have any overly strange dreams while i was back in St. Louis, tho.) I keep having very vivid, detail-oriented dreams about all kinds of crazy stuff... selling alligators on the black market with Chelsea, living in a hut that was actually a college dorm, having a baby and my brother getting mad & trying to kill her, not to mention endless dreams about doing all kinds of drugs and/or getting back together with exboyfriends.
i swear, if Alex shows up in one more dream i'm going to scream... i never dreamed about him when we were dating, and we've been broken up for more than 2 years now. I don't have any feelings left for him, bad or good, and he's not even remotely a part of my life, but when i have these dreams i end up thinking about him off and on through the whole following day, and, frankly, i don't like it. When the dreams first started i thought, well, maybe i'm supposed to talk to him-- witness to him, even! But i don't have any of his newer contact information, and apparently he's blocked me on facebook (whatever that's supposed to mean...). So i nixed that idea. Then i thought, ok, so maybe i'm just supposed to pray for him... so i do. Whenever i have a dream about him i say a short prayer for him the next day. But i mean, SERIOUSLY... if God wants me to pray for him, is there any other way he could tell me? Because, honestly, dreams about us getting back together only freak me out. a lot.

well anyway... i guess i should try to sleep.
i hope my subconscious takes the night off tonight.

whoa.

i think i just created the most emotional piece of artwork ever. and it looks pretty amazing if i do say so myself.
i'm going to have to let Pauly know that i put literally EVERY emotion into his painting. thanks to the thought processes and emotional ups and downs i experienced during the making, i think this painting inhabits more emotional and artistic expression than all of my previous works combined. It's amazing what happens when you release every ounce of overwhelming frustration and sadness that has built up over three weeks.

new song this sunday!

Create Again
By Aaron Shust

VERSE 1:

Separated from night

You spoke and then there was light

They point to You.

Divided water from land

Bowing to Your command

They point to You.

VERSE 2:

The sun that’s blazing at noon

And every phase of the moon

They point to You.

A baby’s cry and the way

A sunset closes the day

They point to You.

BRIDGE 1:

For You’re the only One worth praising

More radiant than earth and sky

And everyday that I survey Your creation

I see why, I see why.

CHORUS:

God of everything I see,

Come create again in me

You were yesterday

You will always be

So take each breath that I breathe

And be the life that I bleed

Create again in me

VERSE 3:

(this is my favorite verse)

The storm that’s raging at sea

Little child on her knees

They point to You.

Your grace that’s poured out on me

The sacrifice on a tree

They point to You.

BRIDGE 2:

Your Word vaults across the sky

From sunrise to sunset

Melting the ice, scorching the desert

Warm our hearts to faith

Warm out hearts to faith